War Has Begun (War Series #1)

Chapter 16

"Ano ang balak n'yang gawin sa kursong 'yan?" Papa asked and I got offended. "Sayang at guwapo pa namang bata."

Naibaba ko ang kobyertos at tuluyan nang nawalan ng gana kumain. 

"Gandahan mo ang pagpili, Aiah. Matalino ka," si Papa at agad akong natigilan. "Pakinggan mo kami ng Mama mo. Dumaan na kami sa gan'yan kaya alam naming may mas mabuting desisyon para sa mga ganitong pagkakataon."

"Mahirap kung susundin mo lang 'yan," si Mama, itinuturo ang puso ko at bumigat ang nararamdaman ko sa dibdib ko. "Dapat, nag-iisip ka rin."

Hindi ako sumagot. Narinig ko ang bahagyang tawa ni Papa.

"Isipin mo kung nag-asawa na kayong dalawa. Sa panahong mangangailangan kayo at wala s'yang plano para sa inyo ng pamilya n'yong dalawa, ano ang gagawin n'yo?" Iling ni Papa, dismayado. "Hindi pa kayo nagkakapamilya kaya hindi n'yo pa naiintindihan."

Nagpatuloy ang mga gano'ng sinasabi nila sa sumunod na mga araw. Kinukuha ang bawat pagkakataon na mayroon para pangaralan ako tungkol kay Jadon. It's almost repetitive. Their words are the same and their judgment didn't change one bit. 

And whenever I would try to reason out, they'd tell me that I should listen. I should listen. I shouldn't argue back. I should just listen.

Ang iniisip ko ng mga panahong gano'n ang sinasabi nina Mama, hinding-hindi ko iisipin 'yon kay Jadon. He's not the person they think he is. The course he chose is a nice course. It is what he wants. It is what he thinks fits him best.

But words are like poison. Your body will try to resist it at first... but will eventually get damaged by it. 

Gusto kong sabihing matagal pa naman at hindi kailangang mag-alala nina Papa... pero ano nga ba ang alam ko? Paano kung damdamin ko nga lang 'to?

I grew up thinking that they always knew what was best for me. Kapag tumataliwas ako sa gusto nila, napapagtanto kong nahihirapan lang ako. Sa huli, iisipin kong tama naman talaga sila. May punto sila at mali ko ang hindi pakikinig.

This is reality. This isn't a fairytale. I can't just let my feelings decide for me. 

With all of what my parents said and with all the overthinking I had at night, I started drifting away from Jadon.

Hindi ko sinasadya. Hindi ko mapigilan ang kunsensyang nararamdaman ko sa tuwing nagkikita kaming dalawa. Hindi ko mapigilang paulit-ulit na marinig ang boses ni Papa sa isipan ko at ang mga pangaral nila ni Mama. Pati ang boses at panghuhusga ni Kuya Beno, hindi na maalis sa isipan ko.

I couldn't look straight at Jadon. Hindi ko na rin magawang makipag-usap sa kan'ya nang walang iniisip, hindi tulad ng dati.

I started feeling awkward whenever I talk to him... at kahit ano ang sinasabi n'ya, bumabalik ang isipan ko sa sinabi ni Papa; That Jadon has no future. That he's too easy-going. That he isn't the guy I should choose. That he isn't the guy who's best for me.

Their words had spread like a poison inside my mind. I couldn't even see Jadon clearly now. All I can see was my family's judgment on him and I couldn't help it. I think about it every night. I think about it even when I'm with Jadon.

I started hating the uneasiness I am feeling whenever I'm around him that I slowly declined his date offers. Unti-unti ko nang tinatanggihan ang pagkikita at dumalang na ang mga video calls.

Azariah:
Busy ako, eh. 
Studying. :)

Jadon:
You need help?

Azariah: 
Hindi na. 
Thank you!

I don't reply that fast to his messages anymore and would sometimes intentionally ignore them. Hindi ko kasi mapigilang makunsensya at makaramdam ng pakiramdam na may ginagawa akong mali. The guilt I was feeling was too intense.