i think i love you • matthew healy

25. violent

a week later, i had officially dropped out of university.

it had been surprisingly easy. i'd realised that i didn't care much about it at all. the only thing i was holding onto was my friendship with alex, even though i know completely it's too broken to be salvaged at this point.

still, i had sent him a text.

i know you hate me and thats okay. i'm a pretty shit person. but i just want to let you know i've completely stopped going to uni. going to figure myself out i suppose, i hope i do. take care alright?  x rhian

i sort of lied. i don't plan on figuring myself out. in fact, dropping out of college has given me more time, but all i have been doing is staying in bed, barely getting up on time for lunch, and getting shit faced every time alice throws intimate parties up at the rooftop.

one night i had cried too hard that my nose started bleeding, and alice accused me of doing coke. it was an awful argument that ended with ollie having to calm her down.

we both had noticed alice being more aggressive than ever before, actually, and i know it has something to do with me cutting ties with my sister and not answering her calls.

"i just think it's a stupid idea that you did that." she had confessed one time. "and to be frank, i'm really getting tired of your stupid ideas."

i can't blame her. alice had seen me go back and forth over awful decisions. i know i'd be exhausted too.

they always say shit about how challenges make you a better person.

that's pretty much shit advice, if you ask me.

in all honesty, i can only see myself getting worse. the intrusive thoughts continuously crawl under my skin, telling me to pack my things and leave. 

for some reason, i wish to live in this fear this time around. not escape. 

i don't want to be afraid anymore.

--

it's a thursday afternoon, i had just finished tidying up my mountain of unused clothes sitting on the foot of my bed, and ollie is knocking on my door.

"rhiannon." he sighs upon entering, closing the door behind him quietly. "hi. could i.... uhm, could i maybe talk to you about something?"

"yeah." i huff, neatly folding the thin grey sweater inside my tiny wardrobe.

"i think alice is cheating on me."

i drop my flimsy top to the floor. it barely makes a sound.

"is she?" i frown, my heart is racing twice as fast.

i know alice has cheated on her past boyfriends a bunch of times, but only because they were awful and shitty to begin with.

ollie is far from shitty. 

"yeah." ollie winces. "it's been... it's been months, i believe. i mean, i forgave her one time—"

"oh my god. ollie."

"she said she was real sorry and it wasn't really her intention." he nods, but his eyes look extremely unsure. "i believed her, rhian. i think i'm going mad, though—i think it's that bloke from the pub she always goes to, but i'm not quite sure..."

my eyes trace back to the scar on ollie's foot, right when alice had shoved him towards the shards of glass in the kitchen.

i sigh. "you can't keep doing this to yourself, ollie."

"i know." ollie looks at me, uncertainty clear in his face. "but, i'm afraid she'll fuck up her own life if i leave. and... uhm, i suppose i can't have her do that to herself, you know?"

i nod quietly.

"i don't think alice knows that i know." he says.

"tell her, then." i reply, like it's the easiest thing in the world.

but ollie looks at me like it's not. "you think that's a grand idea?" he tilts his head, like telling the brutal truth to his girlfriend is something he's never actually done before. "uhm, she's been unnecessarily violent lately, rhian. i think she's going through it at her job, but she never talks about it." ollie sighs. "we don't really... talk as much as before."

it's insane to me how alice could snag someone like ollie, and cheat on him like he's nothing.

"you could try." i feel dumb for not saying anything else.

"yeah..." he says quietly, looking down on his shoes. "yeah, i guess i could." he smiles sadly. "thanks, rhian."

knowing alice's past history with men, my stomach turns at the thought of ollie expecting things to get better with her.

"sure." i try to give him a supportive smile, but it ends up feeling forced, so i stop.

--

that afternoon i had nothing else to do, but i knew i had to give space for alice and ollie to talk things through.

so i took my coat and strolled around the busy streets of london, also hoping to knock some sense into myself over a lot of things.

i had dropped by tesco to pick up items like milk, beans, and other things, but by the time i was on queue for checkout i realised the amount of money i had, and returned half of the items from my cart back to the shelves.

still, i had kept the milk and beans. that would probably last me two more dinners.

unfortunately, right when i got outside, the rain had started to pour. it was too loud and too strong. i was already too far to run back to the flat.

george's flat, though, happened to be just right across the street.

i'd groaned to myself. so much for not having anyone else to call.

after about ten minutes of contemplation, i held my half-empty bag of groceries tightly and made a run for it.