The Way You Make Me Feel [ J.J ]

12.

Caroline had never done that with me. She had never ever taken how I felt into account, and used everything about me to her advantage. She took control of me, made me believe things that weren't true- but at the time I thought they were. She got into my mind and screwed me up so much, to the point I didn't even know who I was anymore. I didn't know I was able to feel this way, and it scared me shitless that everything I was going through was so strong. I knew that JJ could tell something was off when it came to Caroline, and I hoped to God that she didn't push me to talk about it. I didn't want to scare her away with how bad I had gotten, or how rough everything was. But that was in the past. I needed to get past all of that bullshit and just confront my problems.

But the problem was, I didn't want to.

I knew we needed to talk about it and I knew that it would be beneficial to whatever it was that we were, but I just couldn't bring myself to even think about her. Every wound she had given me was still fresh, even though I hadn't seen her in two years. Everything she had done to me had been engraved so deep into my mind, that it had taken me this long to realize that I was good enough for this world and that I deserved to be happy. That I deserve the friends and family that I have. That I deserve to be loved. Part of me still didn't want to believe it, though. I had struggled so much after Caroline, to the point where it overtook my dreams. I couldn't get rid of her for the longest time.

"You okay, darling?"

"Um... yeah. Kinda tired."

"Do you want to go take a nap?"

"Please."

We excused ourselves to my bedroom, making sure to lock my door this time. I pulled my curtains closed and crawled under the covers, closing my eyes. JJ got in bed next to me, laying so she was close to me. She looked into my eyes and I saw a world of emotion, something that I knew I would never be able to fully enjoy until I got over my stupid trauma over some stupid girl.

"Do you want to talk about it?" her voice was soft, almost as if she was scared to break me.

"Honestly? No."

"Okay. We don't have to."

I snuggled closer to her, letting the silent tears fall down my face as she hugged me close. I don't know how long I cried, but I felt myself getting tired and gave into the feeling of needing sleep.

---

When I woke up again, it was dark and the bed was empty. I sat up, freaking out. Where did JJ go? Did I scare her? Was that all a dream?

Was I back to being truly alone?

The door pushed open and I saw David poke his head in, giving me a small smile.

"Hey. Mom says dinner is ready, if you want to eat."

"I'm uh.. I'm not really hungry, but thank you."

I was absolutely starving. But he didn't need to know that.

"Are you okay?" he came over and sat next to me on the edge of the bed. "You're sad."

"Yeah. Just some bad memories."

"Can I do anything?"

I smiled. "Just keep being yourself, David. That's all you need to do."

He leaned into my side before getting up as Kristy called for him, leaving me alone again. I grabbed Baby Yoda, pulling him close to my chest and trying to steady my breathing, knowing that thinking of her would do me no good. I was supposed to have fun this weekend. This was supposed to be a fun holiday weekend with my family, and yet here I was, hiding away in my room because I couldn't take the memories of my first girlfriend. I sat in my room for a little bit longer, scrolling through the endless amounts of texts I was getting from my friends, laughing at everyone's antics. We had all gone home to visit our families this weekend, which meant that Emily went back to Elle's place, and that her younger sisters were going to be giving Emily so many makeovers we wouldn't be able to recognize her when she got back.

The door pushed open again and Kristy came in, holding a small plate of food. I smiled at her, shifting so there was room for her to sit next to me as I took the plate from her.

"I figured you'd be hungry. David said you weren't but-"

"I need to eat, yeah I know the spchiel. Matt's given it to me too many times to count." I sighed. "I'm sorry, this weekend was supposed to be fun. And I'm over here being a depressed ass bitch."

"Don't be sorry." Kristy patted my leg. "I talked to Chloe, and she knows that you're still hurting. She was genuinely sorry when I said that you don't like to talk about her. She didn't know."

"She's four, Kristy. Of course she doesn't know." I chuckled. "And... you can tell JJ. If you want to, I mean. She deserves to know."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive. I'm still hurting, Kristy. I can't talk about it yet. The wounds cut deep. And I know talking about it makes things better but-"

"You're not ready. I get it. Everyone heals differently." she smiled at me. "I'll tell JJ, yeah?"

"Please."

She patted my arm. "Of course. Tomorrow we decided we're going to build a pillow fort in the living room and watch movies all day, can we expect you to be there?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world."