Pros & Cons

16. The Astronomy Tower

As I reached the last step I was greeted with a comforting but unwanted image. Gardner was there however she was standing at the edge of the astronomy tower tightly gripping the railing with her head hung low, presumably staring at the ground below. Her hair was being blown around gently by the wind and I could tell from the dramatic rise and fall of her back that she was breathing heavily, laboured and shaking. I could only assume she was shivering from the draft in the tower, she was only wearing her uniform and didn't even have her robe on.

It was a hauntingly beautiful image; like she was a fragile porcelain doll seconds away from being cracked. I stood there and observed her for a few moments in this unusual state, deciding whether or not I should make myself known.

"I hope you weren't planning on jumping," I taunted, finally announcing myself.

Gardner raised her head, with her back still to me, taking in the landscape ahead. Her hands moved to her face and she roughly dragged her palm across her cheeks. Had she been crying?

"Why do you care?" her voice was hoarse and croaky.

She had been crying. Shit.

I felt my muscles stiffen because I'd never been good at dealing with emotions, whether it be my own or others.

"I don't care," I said sharply. Although I felt a flicker of regret at my abrasive tone but quickly suppressed the feeling when I remembered that she doesn't deserve my kindness.

"Lovely, really bloody gracious of you Malfoy"

"I just don't need your death on my conscience, so could you wait until after I've left" I was uncomfortable so I mocked, I couldn't help it.

"Can you just piss off and leave then?" she snapped, whipping her body round to face me. I could finally take in her whole appearance and what I saw made my chest ache in an inexplicable way that I had never felt before.

She looked like shit - her cheeks were red from rubbing them raw trying to remove the traces of tears that still lingered in the dampness of her eyelashes; her hair was dishevelled, knotty sprawled across her shoulders and back like a makeshift blanket trying feebly to keep her warm; her lips were bruised and misshapen, she must've been biting down on them; and she looked like she hadn't slept in a while with purple half crescents under her eyes, mimicking my own.

But the worst thing was her eyes, where I expected to find sadness or fear I found nothing. Her emotionless presence before me sent a chill down my spine. "I'm not sure if you can tell but I don't really want company right now"

"Wait, you're not actually thinking of doing it are you?" I hesitated, trying to cover the concern in my voice.

"I'm not sure, I haven't finished my pros and cons list yet" she scoffed, rolling her eyes - clearly agitated that I didn't seem to be leaving anytime soon, but it was clear she was deflecting - using sarcasm the same way I do. I felt unsettled as I struggled for the appropriate response.

"This isn't something to joke about" I took a cautious step closer to her.

"No I'm serious, listen to what I've got so far, pro: if I jump right now I don't have to take my N.E.W.T.s - I hear they're a right bitch and stressful too..."

"Gardner, this isn't fucking funny" I'd raised my voice now, not quite shouting but enough to startle her.

"It's rude to interrupt Malfoy" she frowned at me "another pro, I haven't done my Transfiguration homework for next week and I don't really feel like losing my house anymore points" she was wobbling around near the edge, holding onto the railing and swinging around it.