sunsets

13 august 2011

age 15

i got up and got to go to gym today again, someone had to come with me though, i let liam. i dont why i picked him, but i did. 

i needed to start training again if i wanted to go to the olympics. i needed to, to prove something to myself, to charlie, to everyone.

i started to train again, and i remembered why i love this sport so much. i was flipping and twisting again. it was freeing. i loved it. i didnt want to stop. but i had to. i was training for about an hour and a half, when liam had to get me to stop

"im sorry but you cant train too much, when you gain more weight, you can train more" liam says. i said bye to my coach and explained that i had to, she understood because she was informed when i hadnt shown up to training in a while. we talked more in the car

"but you dont understand how hard it is, and this is so easy, i didnt feel tired, or exhausted at all. i was fine, i wanna keep going. im not good at eating, or staying clean, or liking myself, but im good at this"

"i know i dont know how hard it is, but i just needed to make sure you wouldnt need to go back to hospital. im on your side maddie, if you want harry to understand more you need to tell him these things, and really try to get better" i sigh in response. ive always hated these kinds of talks

"i know. i-i just hate how things turned out" i admit

"you hate that your safe, and getting better?" he asks back

i look out the window as we drive up the driveway, not wanting to interact with him anymore. and he turns to face me

"you're getting better madds, i know its hard for you, but you need to start to try to accept that. and its going to be hard, im not going to lie. and your going to hate us, but you need to try, to be the best you can be. because we all believe in you, i believe in you. so we're gonna go inside, and over the course of the next few weeks, you need to gain some weight, so you have some more freedom. for me, please?"

i pause, trying to process everything. i slightly nod and get out of the car, i walk up to the house, getting my keys out, as liam gets out of the car. i open the door and walk in. "how was it" harry asks from the living room, but i walk past him, "i hate you" i say in response. if harry hadnt of found me then i would be dead. and happy. so i do hate him. i also hate him for these rules and not letting me train for something that im actually good at