sunsets

17 may 2011

age 15

beep... beep... beep... beep

my eyes flutter open. i groggily open my eyes and look around. i see harry asleep on the the chair next to the bed i was lying on, i had some tubes all around. i knew i had failed. i wanted to cry.

i lie there for a while and i see harry move. i turn my head on the pillow to look at him. i see him slowly open his eyes. he breathes in and rushes to sit closer to me to hold my hand.

"madds"

he pauses for a while

"yeah. im a dick i know" i state trying to lighten the mood a tad.

"madd. why didnt you call, im so sorr-"

i cut him off

"its not your fault"

"its not yours either, its ours for not realising, and helping" he says all kind and caring

"wellll..... it is kinda mine, i mean i did swallow all the pills"

"maddie! no"

i look at him and laugh

"uh, madds, i also have to tell you something. when you-after you. anyway, i came home after about 20 minutes because i forgot my wallet. called out for you, and found you. i also found the cuts and scars."

he stops, and cant continue. and i dont want him to.

we sit there for a second, not able to talk

while we're sitting there in silence, the doctor and a nurse come in.

"hi maddison, im doctor cooper, and ill be taking care of you."

i nod as he continues to talk

"so we have some stuff to go over. are you ok at the moment to go over this?"

"yeah, im fine" i say. and i am, its not like im going to go all psycho and get myself put in a psychiatric facility.

"ok, would you like your brother to stay or leave?"

"he can stay" i answer quickly. i want him here.

harry smiles at me and grips my hand tighter

"so first off, we have some concerns, about your weight, because you are only 77 pounds (34.9kg), which is concerning for you. so i was wondering how you havent gain much weight, you dont have to tell me right away"

"no its ok. i just didnt eat. exercise a lot, and threw up what ever i ate. thats all"

i looked at harry who just looked sad. i felt bad for him.

"ok, thankyou for your honesty. now we will loop back around to that after, so next is, when we got you, we founds cuts on your arms, some healed and some fresh, obviously from the attempt. were they self inflicted?"

i nod slowly, i didnt want to say yes, i didnt want to make harry and sadder. i also avoided looking at him. i just couldnt

"ok, now the last point. since the reason you are in here, is because of suicide, so while you are in here, you will be on suicide watch, which means 10 minute updates with nurses coming in to make sure your ok, and then we also have to talk about options when you leave. usually someone like you would go to a psychiatric ward, but in your situation that might not be best. if you were have a guardian to supervise you, that might be best."

"the only person who even might be able to is harry, i dont know if hes able to, but mum works all day, so she couldnt "

"im sure we can figure something out. now back to your eating. we would like to diagnose you with anorexia nervosa with your symptoms. and we would like to monitor you for a few days before coming up with a meal plan. that sound ok?"

i put my left hand up and do a thumbs up 

"ok great, ill be back in a sec with some paperwork and some things to talk about"

"sure"

i say as he walks away