One more.

One more kilometre.

She wakes up, sweaty cold and at the same time so hot. Her heart beat is way too high, She's trying to decrease it, trying to calm down.

That's the reason why she hates sleeping.

The reason why she forces herself to stay awake.

Meanwhile it's 5 so she decides to go for a run. She has to train today anyways so she can go now and distract herself for a while. She's putting a new hoodie on, in thought a running shirt would be too tight for her newer wounds.
Getting her AirPods on full volume she goes quietly outside, She doesn't want to wake somebody up. She stops the music and enjoys the silence for a while.

It's never that quiet here but that's alright.

She focuses herself on her music again, closes the door and slips out in the cold and dark morning.
She doesn't know where She's running at but she just runs at the fullest speed she can go without dying completely.

After 10 minutes of sprinting she gets a little slower. She tries to use the streets, the woods kinda scare her and she doesn't want to die today or get abused. She's looking on her health app which tells her constantly that she has to slow down but she doesn't give a shit about it.
She tights her speed even more up, She's not as fast as in the beginning but still fast. It hurts to run but that's what she's living for.

After 7 kilometres and 30 minutes she finally stops feeling.

That's the feeling she's running for.

Everything feels so numb but in the same time everything burns, but it burns in a good way. Now she can run as much as she wants to without feeling the pain.
She smiles a little and make a little extra sprint in the exact same moment the bass kicks and fucks her ears again. She's now at 10 kilometres and really should turn around and go home. She just knows she will regret it later that she went for so much.

With a big sigh she turns around and runs in a slower pace now, she has to get 3 more kilometres done. After a few minutes she realises she anyways doesn't feel anything so she speeds up again to a good 3:30 pace while she feels like flying again.

The last few kilometres she's so fucked up, she barely can't breath. Maybe because she has to get home and she doesn't want to be there or because she can't run anymore because she already ran 10fucking kilometres.
She tries to concentrate on the good pain of it and still increase her pace a few seconds better, she's now on 3:10. The last kilometre she sprints as fast as she can. She sees their hose , a few more metres only more.

She finishes running and falls on the soft grass. Everything turns around her and her head and she barely can see anything. Her view is getting darker and darker while she tries to focus. She really can't breath, she just doesn't get enough air in her lungs.
Minutes passing by and her heartbeat is slowly getting down, still racing but it gets better.

For whatever reason she's hoping they will come out and once care about her. In the same moment she tells her thought to shut the fuck up, it will never happen. They care about her but they don't know anything about her, they don't know what she's going through.

Stop crying bitch and get up she tells herself. She forces herself to get up and take a shower even though she knows what is coming.
She gets inside, again as quiet as possible, gets in the kitchen for a cold water, even if it's winter, then gets up in her room, takes out new fresh clothes for school outside her wardrobe and going in her own bathroom.
She takes off her clothes, trying not to look on her left arm. She can't resist it and still looks.

She gets fascinated and wants to feel again but tell herself she can't do this right now, and she promised herself to end it.

Alright so just take a fucking shower, it's not that hard she tells herself. A few seconds after she feels the hot water on her open wounds she hardly bites her teeth together trying not to make a noice.

It's hard, it hurts so much but it's her own fault.

She slowly begins to relax because it starts feeling good again and takes a deep breath. Trying the shampoo not to get in her wounds she cleans her hair and get out of the shower. She dries up, puts on some clothes and goes in her room again.
As seeing that the sun is going up, She goes down in the kitchen fast and takes breakfast out for her, gets up again on her balcony, starting to watch the sunrise. They're kind of hope for her, she loves them.

She promises herself no more cutting, no more nightmares.