Hindsight

1/9/21

L,

Boyfriend isn't talking to me as often now.

The shorter his replies get and the longer the time between then grows, the deeper the pit in my chest grows and the stronger the fear in my head becomes that he's planning to k*ll himself soon. Or that he wants to break up with me. I don't care what he wants to do as long as it means he is alive and happy and safe.

That's all I want for him.

I love him. I really, truly do. He's like home. Being with him makes existing less painful. He's been there for me when I've done very stupid things. He accepts me and my mental illnesses and stupid fears and weird triggers and everything. I can only hope that one day I can do the same for him.

I still really have to pee.

I could just get up and go. My brother is out of the bathroom and I have two working legs. But will I? Of fucking course not. Not until I'm finished with this, at least. Why? Who the fuck knows anymore? Just blame it all on my stupid fucking mental illness or my fucking autism or some shit like that.

Typing that out made me hurt worse for some reason.

I don't know why, obviously. Clearly I'm just stupid or some shit. But typing that out hurt. My chest burns and my head is foggy. I want to cry. I want to lay in the dark. I want to eat something I know will destroy my intestines. I want to draw shitty pictures to make myself feel better. I want to go to sleep. I want to stop existing. I want to take the hurt away from all of the people I have fucked over.

I guess I want a lot.

Big fucking shocker. I'm a selfish asshole who wants nothing but to help himself. If I can't even sort out my gender and sexuality, what the fuck makes me think I can get all that shit? No. I'm into people that aren't men now which means I can't be gay anymore, and I still think I'm a boy and want to use he/him and transition and stuff, but when I dress more feminine then they/them pronouns feel nice too and I don't know what to do with myself.

I guess that's all. I'm going to eat something bad for me and draw until I can't keep my eyes open anymore. Oh, and take my nighttime pills I guess.

I love you.

- L