An Imperial Affliction

Chapter 30 - There is no refuge from memory

It is ironical, that how she always felt Neel had taken the light inside her when he died, but when he came back, she felt the fire going as well. She always thought she was born with it. Turned out it was another thing she was wrong about.

There was a nagging voice at the back of her head too. If she stays, will the team accept her? In the course of her confessions, not only she spoke up about the secrets and lies, but also the limits of inhumanity she had shown to others in past, the way she left Junaid to die, and her torture of Johny for 'truth'. When she was leading a dual life, this aspects of her other life was hidden from them, but with her decision to merge them both, she had exposed the team to some bitter realities. She knows Aisha won't judge, because one, she is good, and two, she was always biased about her, even when she kept secrets and drove her crazy. She doesn't expect the same reaction from team, and if the reaction of Sameer is anything to go by, it will be reserved behavior and limited interactions from the rest of team. Nothing she doesn't deserve, but that won't be good for the team. On her first day, Aisha had said the team was like a family, and time on time again and again she warned her not to mess that up. After everything that happened, she will be dam*ed to mess that up, mess another thing up.

Maybe it's time to type an actual resignation and hand it over to the Director, instead of running away. She, at least, deserves this.

She felt someone behind her, fidgeting, but didn't turn to look, switching off the machine and taking her mug. She moved to a side so that the person, if interested in coffee, can make his or her mug. Turning slightly, she leaned against the counter, the mug near her lips but making not attempt to take a sip from it.

It was Sameer.

She wondered if he thinks personally asking her about IB and Nasir will earn him some answers. If that's the case, she needs another apology ready at hand.

Instead, the apology came from him, awkward and unsure, taking her by surprise.

"I am sorry, about yesterday's outburst." He moved his eyes from meeting hers, looking sideways, before fixing on her in determination, "That was a douche move on my part."

She smiled at his words, ducking head as she lowered her mug, "Nothing I didn't deserve."

"You didn't deserve that." He hurried, taking a small step toward her. She looked up.

"Why not? Because my ex came back from dead and I am feeling betrayed?"

He looked taken aback at her blunt words. She sighed, and kept the mug on counter, running fingers through hair.

"Regardless of the outcome, nothing can justify what I did, or what happened because of me. The pity won't soften anything." She looked at him, "You should allow yourself the anger. For so long you kept asking yourself why, it's time for the reaction."

He shook his head, not agreeing with her, "It's not pity. And I know you won't believe me, but it was not your fault either."

"I don't believe it."

"One day, you will." He moved to stand beside her and leaned against the counter, "Give it time. Also, give yourself a break, you are being too hard on yourself." He gave a concerned look. She looked away, hiding herself behind her curls.

"I also want to apologize on Sakshi's behalf." His voice went lower when he spoke up again after a few beats, giving a low whistle as he exhaled a breath through his lips, "Though no amount of apology can remotely cover it. It was stupid and insensitive."

"You don't have to apologize on her behalf." She gave a small, mocking smile, "You are not her father."

He huffed, "Sometime I do feel like the big daddy of this place."