madeline // a Taylor Swift adoption

32 // ice cream

"wait.. um can i get two colors? that'd be so much cooler than one." i said to the cast tech.
my surgeon had just looked at my incision, and he said it looks really good, but thinks that a cast for two more weeks would be best before moving into a boot.
the cast tech laughed a nodded his head.
"what colors are ya thinkin?" he said, looking up at me.
"pink and bright green." i said with a smile and taylor smiled at me from across the room.
after about 20 minutes, i had a brand new cast, and taylor and i were walking out to her car in the working garage.
"can we get ice cream?" i said when i sat down in the passengers seat. i had been CRAVING ice cream for a few days now, and decided that eating some wouldn't hurt.
taylor looked up at me, almost shocked that i had asked.
"uhh yes. of course we can!" she said. "ben and jerry's? i really want some half baked ice cream now that you mentioned it." taylor continued and i nodded my head.
ben and jerry's sounded so good.
tomorrow, i'd be meeting with a sports dietitian to talk about my course of treatment. to be honest, i am TERRIFIED. i told taylor i was fine about it, but just by the way that she looks at me when she brings it up, she knows i'm scared to death.
oh well. today has been a good day, and i intend on keeping it that way.

•••

"madelyn?" was shouted from across the waiting room or the vanderbilt children's sports medicine department and my shoulders immediately tensed up.
"you'll be okay, i'll be with you the whole time," taylor whispered, rubbing her hand up and down my upper arm.
i stood up and walked over to the door, where we were then led into a small room.
after sitting down, the woman introduced herself.
"hi guys! i'm jess, and i'll be your sports dietician!"
"...hi" i whispered keeping my eyes on the floor, and taylor introduced herself to jess too.
"so, what's going on? sarah told me a little bit about you... i heard your struggling a little bit with your relationship with food?"
i slowly nodded my head, still not looking up.
i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.
"mads, honey, can you please talk a little bit?" taylor said, and i mumbled a quick sorry in response.
"okay, well i need to grab your height and weight, so just take your shoes off and follow me, then we'll come right back in here with taylor, okay?"
i took my shoes off and followed her down the hall to the scale.
i didn't look at my weight while she took it.
i figured that if she didn't see me looking like i was concerned about the number, then maybe she'd think that i didn't have a problem.
that i was fine.

•••

after the appointment, i stayed quiet. i decided that not talking would be best.
jess was super nice, just like sarah had promised, however, that doesn't mean i enjoyed that appointment.
i hated every minute of it.
"hello? mads?" said taylor, snapping me out of my thoughts as i stared out the window in the car.
"i asked you what you wanted for dinner tonight."
i shrugged my shoulders, and taylor let out a sigh.
she felt bad for me, and i didn't like it.
i've always hated when people feel bad for me... i don't know why.
i also hate when people are worried about me, and taylor was both. and i hate that i'm the reason for it.
i'm stressing her out, and i don't like it.
"i'll make some baked pasta or something, is that okay?" she asked as we pulled into the parking garage of her building.
"yeah, i'm fine with whatever..." i said as i got out of the car.  it's not like i wanted to eat anyway.
once we walked into the apartment taylor asked me if i'd like to help her cook, but i shook my head.
"i have some homework, so i'm gonna go upstairs. call me down when dinner is ready." i replied, and then i quickly ran up the stairs before taylor could say anything.
i just want some time alone, and i think she knows that, but taylor also hates leaving me alone, especially when she knows i'm feeling upset.
i don't know why i'm upset. i guess it's everything.
i can't run, i'm struggling with eating, and i hate talking about it.
it'd probably help to talk about it, but that doesn't mean that i want to. i don't want to burden others with my problems, especially taylor. she already has so much on her plate, and i'm the reason for a good half of her issues right now.