Catch your breath. Reader x Deadbydaylight

Chapter 44

The warming hue of your fire breaths life back into your cold hands. The entity has been mostly quiet since the trial. You feel more isolated then ever. Before, at least you had your innocence, and lack of real blood on your hands, except for defending someone. But this, this was so much more wrong. It's not the same. You hold your knife in your hand, looking down at the dried blood on your hands. You feel the cool breeze washing over the realm, almost as if the Entity himself is trying to calm you down. You take a few deep breaths, slowing your breathing into deeper breaths. You feel a plethora of emotions twisting through your body, as they flood your senses. Anger, rage even, Sadness and regret, frustration, but most of all, disgust. You drop the knife on the ground, and grip your head. You scream out in frustration, as tears stream down your face. Your tongue feels dry, as your head spins. You feel like a large weight has been pressed against your stomach, as nausea takes effect. Most of all, you want to be punished. You want to be harmed in some way, as a way to almost make up for what you did. Somthing to cement it in your head. Somthing to at least make things right.  But there is nothing. No punishment, no anger towards you, even Julie, in her last moments in the trial, was moreso upset and hurt, then mad.

You hear movement in the bushes opposite to the school. Your attention swaps from your bubbling over emotions, to whatever made that sound. You grab your knife, ready to defend yourself, as your more carnal instincts kick in. You hear a slight voice eminate from your head.

"Behind you."

You turn around, to see a familiar shape. You see what looks like a snout sticking out from a bush, but only for a moment.

"Amanda?" You ask.

She stands up, and walks towards you. You quickly put your knife away.

"Are you okay? I heard what happened." She says lowly.

You want to speak, but the words just don't seem able to come out.

"I remember my first kill still. The first one is always the hardest. But you learn how to move forwards. Things can only hurt you as much as you allow them to." Amanda says

"What if I dont want to just move forwards? What if I cant?" You ask back.

"Look, everyone, or at least most, have a hard time after their first kill, but eventually you have to move on." She says.

"Second technically." You remind her.

"True. But this wasn't an act of defense." She says.

"Dont you think I know that already?" You ask out angrily.

You realize after you said that, that Amanda didnt do anything wrong. You feel like a wounded animal, lashing out against anything that moves.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be angry at you. You didnt do anything. I apologize." You say looking down again.

She puts a hand on your shoulder.

"No need, I know what your going through. Most of us have been there. Just try to relax, and calm down." She says.

She sits down on a log, as you do the same, looking into the fire.

"I came by to drop off some stuff for you. I met with Anna, and she asked me to give you a few things." She explains. She hands you a leather loop, that attaches to your leg, along with a rusty hatchet. She also hands you a few Reverse Beartraps, a few tools, and a few toxins.

"What are these for?" You ask.

"You may find them helpful. I just wanted to give you these and check up on you. You have a trial in a few minutes. Anna will be with you." She says with a faint smile.