phobia (sequel to insomnia) | stray kids ff

zone 19: diary

I catch Taeyong at the main cabin and enter inside.

"Hey, what's up?" I ask and Taeyong hands me a journal. The blue journal is unfamiliar to me but reminds me of the one I used to have that I lost. The one where I wrote all of my stories and experiences. "What's this?"

"Open it," Taeyong crosses his arms. "I found it while scavenging today and..," I slowly open it up and notice all of the crumpled papers and smeared ink.

"Owner: Hwang Hyunjin," I read out loud, almost dropping the book but Taeyong holds me up. Reading that name makes my eyes water. "This-"

"It was his," Taeyong says. "It looks a little worn down but it seems recently written," I feel my heart jump and flip the page.

As I read, I feel my throat close up and my stomach becomes heavy. My eyes slowly water and my nose becomes numb. Taeyong sits me down on the couch and frowns as he watches me read it. I sniffle and wipe the tears off my face. The smell of the journal reminds me of him. Flashes of his face fill up my brain and I bring my legs close to my face.

It's about me. It's about him.

I don't even know what day it is at this point. Time isn't real in this world anymore. It feels like each day is passing by slowly, killing my existence and making me feel less and less like a person.

I decided to collect my thoughts here. That's what Hana used to do. I called her journal a diary though. I knew it wasn't a diary but saying it always made her angry which made me smile cause she's cute when she's mad.

I think about her every day. We reunite one day and lose each other the next. Lucy calls her the tooth fairy. I don't know why but it's sweet. Do I have to lose teeth to see her again?

Felix told me to start writing journal entries to help me calm down and recap my day. I'm not very good at this type of thing cause right now, all I'm thinking about is Hana. I don't know where she is right now but I hope she is alive. I wish I didn't disappear that day. I wish I stuck with her, I should have. Now I lost her again. I don't know how many days it has been since I've last seen her but Lucy is getting bigger each day.

Lucy is very sassy like me but very generous and thoughtful like her mom. Not mom Yeji but mom Hana. She's smart and can tell when I'm angry or if Felix is stressed. Her zombie powers are kicking in. She heals so fast. I haven't seen her superspeed yet but she is very strong. She is starting to hear things Felix and I say in the other room and asks us questions once we come out. Now, we have to be extra careful when we talk about her and Hana. We haven't told her yet. We're scared to tell her. How will she react?

Anyway, I don't know how to end this. Writing these makes me think about how Hana wouldn't let anyone read her journal. I understand why. I'm writing things I don't even mean to write, it's like my heart wields the pen, not my mind. Is this how you were feeling when you write, baby? I wished she was still here with me.

A teardrop falls onto the page and slowly sinks into the ink. I sniffle and look up at the sky, wiping my tears. I notice Taeyong left to give me privacy and I sigh. I contemplate on whether I want to read more. What if there is a reason why this book is abandoned? What if... I think to myself and the endless possibilities of where Hyunjin is. Is he alive?

We haven't crossed paths with anyone from our group for years. It scares me to think that they could be dead or the undead. I talk about this with Changbin sometimes. I know how much he misses Jisung and Hyunjin and Ryujin and Felix and everyone else. I can tell by his small actions although he tries to hide them. I decide to read more for the sake of my sanity. I flip to the last page where there is writing.

Today, we came back to District 9 to look for any survivors. Luckily, there were people left in the bomb shelter. I was just as surprised as Felix to see some familiar faces. We found Lia, Chaeryoung, Dahyun, Sana, Jeongin, Jisung, and Jihyo there. They seemed to have made camp there since the attack.

I wondered where everyone else was though. They grew silent when we asked. Sana was the only one who confided in me. She asked where Hana was and I couldn't tell her. I wish I knew. She told me that the rest of the group including Yeji and Ryujin decided to venture out to find us and they never came back. Why didn't they come back? It scared me. My sister is out there somewhere.

It was a hard decision on whether to leave the remains of District 9 or rebuild but the place was swarmed by zombies. We had to leave. The Sanctuary was the only place where we could think of. Jinyoung is now the leader of it and since District 9 was a subsidiary base and ally of it, it was the only safe zone we had left. We will leave in the morning.

That was the last thing he wrote.

[now the world that is folded in layers

but the truth inside]