Not So Nice // (Rewrite)

45 | burden

its not the same anymore by rex orange county 

Flashback 10

CW: hints at alcohol abuse

Sage:

Blinded, god it hurts. I lift my arm to rub my eyes but my arm hurts too much, and as I try to sit up I realize my whole body hurts. I feel as though a giant slab of cobblestone has been dropped on top of me and my head begins to spin again. Someone brushes my hair out of my face.

"Sage" It's Draco. The sound of his voice makes butterflies flare up in my stomach. Make it stop. I try to open my eyes but it's too bright and I wince at the light. Everything hurts, my mind is incredibly fussy and I can't think of anything.

Instinctively my body turns toward the noise and I can feel myself drop off of the couch. But something warm and inviting catches me.

"Sage, what are you-" Draco only finishes with an intake of breath. Nuzzling into the body and hiding myself from the light he holds me and brings me much more comfort than I deserve. Stiff hands hold me there, after what seemed like less than a millisecond he drops me back onto the sofa. I want to cry and I have no idea why.

What has gotten into me?

I have no idea why any of this is happening. Why am I acting this way when I hate him? I hate him more than I can put into words but another subconscious part of me disagrees

Another part of me wants to argue with him for hours. Watch his hands clench and unclench at my snide remarks. Listen to him as he tells me of his family's history. Roll his blunts and let him light the smoke with a smirk that tells me he would rather something else be in my-

No, this isn't happening, I don't want this. I never have and I never will. At least I don't think so.

"Sage," my eyes jolted open. I try to sit up but groan at the pain. "I don't know how to tell you this.

"Tell me what?" I must've blacked out, I must've gotten incredibly drunk and slept here. I must've stumbled my way through the forest and found more alcohol here. I must've- Luna doesn't keep alcohol in the house. But I could have gone to the burrow and then came back here and that must be all it was. It must be.

"Sage, something happened." I try again to sit up, this time Draco leans forward and helps me lean against a pillow. He leans back but I can feel his fingers there stil, the warmth of them flowing throughout my body.

"I got drunk." I say trying to avoid his grey eyes.

"No, you didn't."

"Yes I did, I had to have, what else could be-" I know something is wrong, even before he interrupts me.

"Sage." He hands me a book open to a page. My eyes fill with tears as I read, and I throw the book to the other side of the couch. I stand up but fall immediately, and of course it has to be right in his lap.

"It's okay. We can work through this, we can-"

"It's irreversible." I sob out. I try to crawl away from him, to reside back on the couch, but I can't bring myself to. I can't force myself to not touch him.

I don't hate him, I finally admit to myself. Even if I did, would I even know now? I don't necessarily like him either. But both of us know that if I felt nothing at all for him we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. It's my fault, too many feelings, too many thoughts. Far too many for this to ever work out cleanly.

I know he feels nothing for me, but it doesn't stop the hope that swirls inside of me. THe hopes that we could make something good out of this. We could figure out a way to make this work.

I finally crawled out of his lap, revolted at my thoughts. My body grows sore again but it's better than feeling betrayed by my own heart, soul.

__________________________

Draco's decided to stay at Luna's, she has a guest bed and she was more than eager to help. He's upstairs now, and Merlin it hurts already. It feels like a knife is being driven into my soul over and over again. Salt is being poured in and the knife is twisted every time I try to leave. I've been trying all day. This is the farthest I've gotten to get out of here.

Luna's made tea and Charlotte is upstairs with Draco, no doubt trying to convince him that it'll all work out as she did with me. But we both know better. We both know. I can feel him, even though we are further apart. I can feel his aura surrounding me. I can feel his thoughts. I can't hear them but I feel practically everything he feels. I wish I didn't feel the way he clenches up every time Charlotte tries to comfort him. Feel the way he is longing for his freedom again. Feel how stuck he feels. How completely and utterly miserable he is, but every once in and while I feel a slight twinge of what seems to be gratefulness. Gratefulness that we are tied together. But every time before I can read more into it, it's buried away.

The hopeful part of me hopes it's occlumency and that he doesn't actually feel this way.

A sick part of me wishes he felt all the pain I did right now, and a sicker part of me wishes I could give it all to him and let him feel this burden instead of me.