The Daughter of He

Chapter 18

Somehow I found myself in front of the room Draco was in. I had been at constant battle with myself for the past hour about this, debating or not whether I should go in. But I didn't know where else to go. I couldn't go to my bedroom, considering that if I was seen in the halls this late at night I would score myself at least one detention-if not more. But I wasn't sure whether I even wanted to see him. How was I supposed to explain what happened with Blaise?

I groaned. I couldn't believe myself. The whole point of trying to date Blaise was to get away from Draco. Yet here I was, crawling back to him because I couldn't seem to stay away.

No. I wasn't 'crawling back to him'. I was running towards him full speed with no intention on slowing down. I wanted to hate him so badly; to back to how things used to be when our hatred for each was deep enough to leave scratches but never scars. Back to when the only thing I felt when I saw him was a blinding, white flash of rage.

I didn't like to depend on people. I didn't like to trust people. I didn't like to feel things other than victory and rage because those emotions were safe. I liked feeling powerful. I liked making people feel like they had to earn their right to even look me in the eye. Yet here I was, betraying myself in more ways than I could ever imagine.

I breathed. I had fought so hard to avoid this, but apparently not hard enough. It pained me to admit to myself that I had to do what I had been dreading for months now. I knew this would happen eventually. I had known the moment my heart first  softened for him after his dad had struck him at Malfoy Manor when I first arrived there.

I had to let him go. After tonight, I would have to cut him out of my life. No matter how badly he needed me, or how badly I needed him, I wouldn't go back to him. Spending time with him was weakening the walls around my guarded heart. I couldn't imagine a life without Draco in it, yet I knew that's how it had to be. I was beginning to depend on him. I was starting to trust him. I was beginning to feel like I needed to surround myself with him every second of every day. I was starting to cling to him like a life line, and I was starting to forget how to survive alone.

I slowly opened the door, feeling my heart go to war with itself when I saw him. I wanted to scream.

I walked slowly towards him, afraid I would wake up one of the others in Draco's dorm room if I moved too quickly and made a floor board creak. But what did I care if they woke up? This would be the last time they saw me with Draco, anyways.

I curled into his side, squeezing my eyes shut tight as I breathed him in. By his side I felt safe. My stress melted away, and I wanted so desperately to just lay with him forever.

If only the things were that easy.

"Josslyn?" He mumbled, rolling to face me with tired eyes. Even in the dark I could see his smile.

I did that. I made him smile.

I could already feel my heart begin to bleed.

"Yeah," I said, "It's me. I'm here." But I wouldn't be for long. In about six hours I would be gone. I would still see him in classes and in the halls, so I supposed I wouldn't be abandoning him completely. But for some reason, that made me feel worse. I would have to see him, I would have to be around him, and I would have to resist.

"How did you're date go?" He asked, wrapping his arms around me.

I felt my heart sputter in my chest. Coming here had most definitely been a mistake. I should have just risked the detentions and fled back to my rooms, because I finally realized why coming here had felt so foreign. Why my heartbeat had gone a mile a minute in my chest the moment I had settled down beside him. Why this time felt so different compared to all of the other times I had slept next to him.

It was because this was different. Those times had been accidental. This time I chose to come here. I chose to sleep in his bed. I chose to get as close to him as I possibly could.

I wanted to.

"Considering that I'm here with you instead of in Blaise's room, how do you think?" I grumbled, fighting a yawn.

My head throbbed. It was too late to leave, now. I could have easily just spent the night on the sofa after I knew Blaise had left. But I didn't. And now I was here.

"I'm sorry, Josslyn." He whispered. And although his voice had sounded genuine, I could see the gleam in his eyes that told me otherwise.

"No you aren't." I said, "You're happy it didn't work out for me. Because you're selfish." I accused sharply, although the stab was weak. My voice had faltered, and I knew it was extremely unlikely he hadn't noticed.

But I could still hope.

I crossed my mental fingers. I knew that if I could start a fight with him, if I could make him hate me, than leaving him would be easy. Simple. Painless.

"You're right," He said, resting his chin on the top of my head, "I want you here with me more than I want you with him."

I gawked at him, stunned. As baffled as I was that he had actually admitted to being selfish, it didn't blind me from the ache that followed. It was going to tear me apart to leave in the morning.

Part of me wished I would leave Hogwarts. I felt like distance between us would make this so much easier. It wouldn't be hard to forget him if I wouldn't still have to see him everyday. Not to mention his dad's connection with mine. Getting close to Draco at all had been a mistake that I should never have made in the first place.

But everything fades eventually. This would too. And then the pain would go with it. I knew that. But in the moment it took all my will power not to hold onto him and never let go.

"Goodnight, Draco." I whispered.

"Goodnight, see you in the morning." He mumbled, pulling me closer to him. I tried to believe him. I wanted to so badly.

"See you in the morning." I said, fighting the tears punching the back of my throat. It felt like a stab to the chest. I didn't want to lie to him. I didn't want to leave him. But I had to.

I had to.

And that was the first time a lie had ever hurt me.