The Landlord

Chapter 49

When he put it like that... it honestly couldn't be more perfect. Yes, perfect. Despite my love of city-life, I strangely felt relief being out here in the middle of nowhere. My state of mind craved calmness, nothingness, and space, all things that this place could provide. I could feel literally away from everything and it was a nice thought.

Once we headed inside and unpacked, I already felt more relaxed. The house had an open floor plan, with a kitchen overlooking a large and cozy living room. Furniture was arranged facing the wall of the back of the house. It supported a fireplace, the TV above it, and the huge windows and sliding door on each side. The view was obviously the main attraction here; the windows overlooked the wooden deck and the gorgeous valley of trees.

Being secluded like this might allow me to find some peace of mind. Might was they keyword. Even though being in the middle of nowhere could feel like a get-away, being in the middle of nowhere gave me nothing else to think about. By that night, my mind still would not shut off.

My legs were crossed against the wooden planks of the deck. I was sitting on the edge, looking out over the valley. The moonlit sky highlighted the waves of tree-tops for me, and it was absolutely beautiful and peaceful. Crickets hummed from all directions. Thankfully, that was the only sign of bugs. Being in a hoodie and jeans probably helped too.

Staring into the distance, I took a puff from my cigarette. I couldn't shake that feeling of being crippled. I didn't know why, I just... couldn't. My mind still wandered down every direction it could, trying to untangle, grasp, and understand what I've done and what I needed to do. Being stuck in this confused, scared, and tense state made my chest ache.

Resting the cigarette on the deck next to me, I relaxed my shoulders and sighed. How in the world was I going to turn my life around? How? I already tried so hard; I moved away from the city and started over. So where did it go wrong? I suppose it was inevitable. I had unfinished business from the past – and August definitely caught up to me. I was almost glad he did; he deserved some sort of justice for all I've done to him.

I wanted the trees and the few scattered lakes to swallow me up. But that would be unfair; I couldn't disappear when I needed to pay for my mistakes. I had to get through this and come clean about everything. Even though I started a new life months ago, I had to accept I might have to do it again. I needed to get my shit together and push aside my selfishness.

For that, I started to plan on actively doing a few things whenever we get home. I would find a real job, a new vehicle, and continue going to meetings. And of course, I would have to expose the truth to everyone. Everyone. Blake would be the first to know – only once we get home though. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck together here if he decides he wants nothing more to do with me.

It was a difficult thought. Blake was the most wonderful person in my life and soon he might be out of it. Knowing that was gut-wrenching. He has done so much for me – and what have I really done for him? By far not enough. I wanted to do more than just repay him; I wanted to make him happy. After all, I might not have the chance to after this trip.

That was something that lingered in my mind. My desire to show him a fun time, surprise him, show him how special he was... it pushed aside my dread. There was nothing I could do to change what might happen, but until we return home, I could make him smile. Weirdly, that filled me with motivation.

So tomorrow, I wouldn't think or contemplate anything like I did today. We would have a fun day because that's what he deserved. But... what was there to do around here? How could I thank him for everything? It's not like one single thing could, but I was confident I could come up with something.