Loving You

45

"Fuck what you know," I yell back heading right for the door. She lets out a loud gasp making me stop to turn around. "I don't care, Kristen, tell whoever whatever."

"Oh really?" she says crossing her arms over her chest. I run a hand through my hair and glance back at my roommates who have paused their NBA 2K for this.

"Yes fucking really now get the fuck out," I say grabbing the doorknob of the door. Kristen's jaw drops while Trey and Robbie's eyes widen on the couch. I turn around to see a very red-eyed Carter. Her hair is pulled up in a messy bun and a big grey sweatshirt covering her body. Her lips are parted and she looks just as fucking confused as I did when I saw Kristen.

"What the fuck," she says looking at me. Her eyes travel back to Kristen and then back to me, "What the fuck."

"Carter, she came here it's-"

"Not what it looks like," she finishes it off for me. I nod my head as I reach for her but she takes a couple of steps back. I retract my hand from her and ignore the pang in my chest. I want to feel her and be there for her but I am the reason now why she is looking at me like I am an asshole. Hell, I am an asshole.

"It's not, she fucking busted in here. Not the other way around," I plead with her as she wraps her arms around herself. I have never seen her like this. So sad and not herself. I suck in a breath standing her looking at her.

"It's okay, I mean it's not but I should go," she says quickly. She turns around on her sneakers but I catch her elbow before she can go far. Her brown eyes are pleading with me to let her go but I can't bring myself to do it.

"Wait, we need to talk," I say glancing back at Kristen. Even she finally looks like she has some type of soul. I hope my face reads get the fuck out as she shuffles past the two of us. I almost smile when I see Carter shooting her daggers with her light eyes. Once Kristen is further down the path I finally look back at Carter.

"Asher, what are we doing?" she asks me with tears brimming her eyes. I can't look at her. Her sad brown eyes and the way she is looking at me gives me a feeling I don't fucking like.

"Carter, please don't do this," I tell her pulling her closer to me. She shakes her head at me lightly pulling away. I tighten my grip on her arm but not enough to hurt her. I want her to stay for us to be okay and like everything is back to normal. Fuck, all I want is to be with her. But, maybe she has a fucking point.

"Ash, we can't keep doing this and your shit with Kristen. We need to fix our own shit before we can be together. God, I would do anything to be with you right now," she says the tears finally falling from her eyes. I inhale sharply watching her tears fall as I reach out to brush them away. She leans into my hand sighing loudly.

"I know. Carter I-"

"It's okay, Asher. If Kristen is what you want at the end of this then that's okay," she says looking up at me. I shake my head at her because that's not what I want. That's not even what I was going to say.

"She's not, Car. I want you, I haven't even thought about another fucking girl since you. This is what I fucking want." I lightly lift her chin up to look at me. I do not want to be a little fucking bitch. But with the way she is looking at me right now and that heavy feeling in my chest, I don't know if I can.

"Figure it out then or tell me what the fuck she knows. I can't be there for you if I don't know what is going on," she says shaking her head out of my hand. Now, I really don't know what to say. I had planned to tell her everything. To not bitch out on her. I don't think I could stand having her look at me the way everyone else has when I told them. Even Kristen took large steps back when it slipped out drunk our freshman year.

"Okay."

She nods her head at me taking a few steps back. I watch as she takes the steps down our house and onto the sidewalk. She wipes her cheeks with her sweatshirt as she disappears. I can't even move from my spot because what in the actual fuck. How did I or could I let Carter slip out of my fingertips. She is everything I want and will be everything I want. But, she's right. We need to fucking figure our shit out and I need to stop being an idiot when it comes to this stupid bullshit.

I slam the front door shut with frustration and turn back around to my roommates.

"Asher, what the fuck man," Trey says shaking his head at me. I clench my fist at my sides shooting him daggers. He is just not fucking helping as I feel my blood boiling. I let her walk away.

"What the fuck was I suppose to do?" I snap at him. He runs a hand through his hair. I genuinely have no idea what the fuck I could have possibly done.

"Not let her walk away you fucking dumbass," he says pointing at the door. "You and Braden really need to fucking set your priorities straight. Because the two of you care so much about both of those girls and you two are too pussy to just be with them. Tell her the fucking truth, Asher."

"For fucks sake, you think I want to see her face when I tell her what I did to my dad. You really think she will look at me the fucking same," I snap loudly at Trey. He pushes himself off of the shaking his head at me.

"She loves you Asher and you clearly love her you fucking dumbass," Jeremy chimes in. I can't fucking talk about this right now. I shake my head at the two of them running a hand over my jaw.

"Fuck this," I say making my way to the stairs. Trey lets out an exasperated sigh shaking his head at me.

"You can only run away from your problems for so long, Asher!" he calls out from below the stairs. I shake my head at him heading up my stairs. I see Sixer sitting at the top of the stairs. Her big puppy eyes looking sad. I stop on the stairs and close my eyes. Sixer. Her dog, well our dog. Fuck. I sit down next to her as she rests her head on my lap. I pet the top of her head. I said 'okay' when she left. I should have stopped her when I had the chance. I gotta fucking fix this shit. And I need to fix it fast.