Living Again

Chapter 28

Cassie's POV:

"Oh Jake..."

I didn't know what to do so I laid down on my back. He did the same. "You didn't have to do that you know..."

"Didn't I?"

"It wouldn't have made any difference. I would've still done it" I told him.

"Why? I get it that everything's bad right now, but it gets better" he said.

"Does it?" I muttered under my breath.

"Cassie..." I could tell that he was looking at me. "It does get better. Everything does, that's the way life works"

I stayed silent. I couldn't trust myself to speak. He sounded so sure about it, he believes it so wholeheartedly and I couldn't bring myself to tell him that it isn't like that always. Because sometimes, a person's world just get darker and darker until they couldn't see anything else and all that's left is to wait to die. That's my world, not Jake's. His world is bright and I'm afraid.

So afraid to reach for it.

He suddenly let out a laugh. "This is the most that we talked and what we're talking about is so depressing"

"It's actually inspirational" I pointed out. "It's just not inspiring me"

"That's the sad thing" he said sadly. "I'm not giving you any hope"

"You've done enough" I told him.

"Not helping" he groaned and closed his eyes. "It's making me feel even worse"

I put my hand over his. I was comforting him. "I'll tell you a secret...you have"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the end, I wasn't able to tell him why I asked him to come get me. But the trip to the park made me feel better.

Lighter.

And that night, I dreamt of Anna. We were at a park. The same park Jake brought me to this afternoon but we were the only ones there. She was running, chasing a butterfly. I took a step towards her. She stopped, looked at me then smiled.

God, I missed that smile.

"Cassie!" She said happily, running towards me. She stopped as she was in front of me. "Come" she grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the playground. I looked at our hands. My heart ached but I couldn't say anything. I want to savor this moment. She let go of my hand as soon as we were at the playground. She sat at the swings.

"Push me Cassie!" She was still smiling. Dazed, I walked to the swings and started to push her.

She giggled. "Higher Cassie! Higher!"

I complied and she laughed happily. I could feel her laughter filling me up with warmth. Once she reached the highest part, I let the swing stop on its own. It took a minute. Once it finally stopped, I squatted in front of her. She smiled that bright smile of hers. I felt like I could cry. I did.

This is Anna.

"It's not your fault, you know" Anna suddenly said. I looked at her, surprised. She sounded so...old, for her age. "It never was"

".... I" I didn't know what to say. I was out of words. "...you forgive me?" I finally choked out.

She shook her head. My heart sank. "There's nothing to forgive" she said kindly. "You don't have to punish yourself"

"But you're gone" I cried. She nodded. "What am I suppose to do?"

"Live" she said it so simply.

"How? Because I can't" I told her.

"Stop that!" She said sternly. "Why are you punishing yourself? What happened wasn't your fault. None of it was. I was lucky enough to have you and you protected me. You were so determined to that it was alright for you to be hurt" she put her arms around my neck, hugging me.

"You're as much as a victim as I was, more so with what you went through" she whispered in my ear.

Those words broke the wall in my heart and as the walls broke, I let myself feel. The pain, the anguish, the grief...everything all came rushing in and I felt like I've just been punched in the gut.  I felt like a being swept away by a tsunami and drowning in everything.

I put my arms around Anna and finally let it all out. It felt like years passed before I stopped I crying. Anna was rubbing my back, comforting me. It made me clung to her tighter.

Suddenly, everything got brighter. "I have to go" Anna whispered. I hugged her closer to me for a second. This time it wasn't hard letting her go.

"I love you Cassie"