From Her Reflection {tom riddle}

part xii - sentiment

Although his housing situation wasn't ideal, Tom was relieved to have some time off from school and focus on himself and his own plans for the future.

He'd been thinking about it a lot- the future that is. No matter what the world decided to throw at him, he knew one thing was certain: he would become the most world's most powerful wizard, no matter the cost.

But there was something - someone - that had been occupying his mind more than he wanted to admit. Y/n. He thought about her a lot.

The strange sensation he felt when he first laid his eyes on her never left. It lingered day and night, leaving Tom shuddering in his bed incessantly. This feeling was beyond anything he could even fathom, something that hadn't necessarily thawed his frozen heart but chewed at it, tossed it around like a play toy.

Late nights were spent in deep thought, mostly on how to rid this cursed feeling. It was alien to Tom, something that felt completely unnatural and almost invasive. It had intruded his body and touched the depths of his soul, nearly grazing at its core.

With each passing day, with each moment he spent with her, the numbing sensation only delved further into his soul, penetrating every bit of his body. As much as he had convinced himself that he only needed her for his plan, the feeling would not cease.

But he was logical. He ruminated on this feeling for many days, nights, and hours that should have been spent studying for exams. The Ancient Magic section of the library had met with Tom many times as he opened, closed, and reopened the same book, wondering what the missing piece was.

It took almost a month for him to even begin to formulate a theory, but even then he wanted to know why- why her?

From the beginning, he had always suspected it was her, the girl on the other side of the mirror. The screaming voice that echoed in his mind constantly, reminding him about certain things in his life he didn't understand, things that were completely out of his control.

And he hated it. He absolutely despised the will of the universe and his inability to play God. All he wanted was a sense of certainty, a sense of stability. Because after all, stability and absolute knowledge were the foundation of his success- two vital aspects of his nature that all began to crumble when he met her.

She had shaken him, spiritually and literally. She was intoxicating like a sweet poison that Tom had become dependant on- as if his mere existence thrived off of it.

This gravitational pull, this magnetic force, was the root of his problems. He had concluded that this was the feeling that had invaded his body since her arrival, the feeling that had forced any thought that wasn't about her out of his mind.

To put it into words was more than difficult. It wasn't love, that Tom knew. But if not, then what could explain this emotion that constantly loomed over him like a ghost?

But let's say it was love. This was certainly an emotion Tom could not even imagine himself feeling, let alone think about.

What was love? From what he observed from the various couples at Hogwarts, love seemed like a weakness. It was a complete abandonment of one's own body while surrendering it to the other. Only the weak, the sentimental, could ever submit themselves to another.

And this notion of falling into love encapsulated exactly why Tom hated this emotion. Falling into love implied complete defeat. There is no 'rising' into love because once you give yourself away, once you let your guard down, there's no coming back. You allow yourself to leap into a bottomless pit with little to no prospects of the future.

It was those with no aspirations or desires for their future that took this leap.

If he reached the crossroad of power or love, what would he choose? His sensible mind would choose power, but perhaps his sentimental one would choose the latter.

So if it wasn't love, then what was this feeling? Despite how intelligent the boy was, nothing came to mind.

But the more he tried to ignore her, the more she would pry at him, peeling at the walls that he had spent so long building up.

He ignored the feeling for a while, using it as motivation to pursue his own aspirations. He tried to convince himself that he needed her and if she refused to obey he would simply dispose of her.

Yet when he stood there, wand pointed at her neck, he couldn't do it. He could not utter the spell that would end her life while driving his closer to the end goal. Tom could have done it and made his first Horcrux and it would have been easy if it were not for the smirk that she had.

God, he wished she had cried or yelled at him, it would have been so much easier. But that slight smile, the absence of fear, tugged at his heartstrings. Unlike Tom, she wasn't scared to die. She poked at it, teased it- something Tom could never muster enough courage to do.

Even sitting here in the compartment across from her he could sense her bravery. That was something that seemed to be passed down her bloodline- her nerve. No other girl had spat back at him, challenged him, and charged at him as much as she did. Maybe she was stupid for messing with the future Dark Lord, but still, it drew Tom in like a drug.

The train came to a slow stop and Y/n's body remained still. Maybe she was dead- that would make Tom's life a lot easier. But then, strangely enough, the thought of her being gone made him upset, as if he had lost the opportunity to see their future together, their inevitable world domination.

Their. He couldn't stop thinking about their future, their lives. Was there a "their", or was there just an illusion of it?

When Y/n didn't wake up, he picked up his belongings, almost ready to leave without her. Even though she probably wasn't dead and he had no other place to go to, leaving right here and right now would have lifted a great burden off of Tom's shoulders.

He could forget about her for a while and compose himself, come to his senses.

But his senses right now were yelling at him- they were screaming at him to reach out to her. To stay with her here and never leave her side.

He reluctantly stretched his arm towards her, his heart taking control.

Nagini had noticed his apprehensiveness and reassuringly leaned her head forward, almost as if to affirm that he was making the right decision.

Almost like she had told him to "Stay."

Parsletongue or not, anyone could tell by the snake's demeanor she wanted Tom to stay.

And he did. Once again, the feeling overtook his sensible thinking and he acted out of impulse, grabbing the snake and y/n's things like the gentleman he was.

"Y/n.." he whispered ever so slightly that only he could hear himself. The girl slightly stirred but kept her eyes closed. He could easily just shake her, even yell at her, but he didn't want to be mean. He wanted, for once, for her to see him as a decent person.

For the plan, of course. Tom thought to himself. To lure her in with my charm and use her powers, nothing else. No other ulterior motive.

But even if this were true, the sensible Tom would not have been so kind as to tap the girl so softly on her knee. The sensible Tom would have called this one weak, fragile, vulnerable. But at the moment, he didn't mind it. Seeing the girl's eyes flutter open with a look of genuine appreciation triumphed all other feelings of self-betrayal.