The Shy Kid(BoyxBoy)

Mistakes

Today ep2 is coming.
Are you guys excited?
Let's talk on  my conversation wall after the episode ends.

Gulf

I'm fine from outside. But from inside I'm crying. I just can't forget what happened to me that day. I want to forget all these memory but I can't. Everytime I close my eyes I could feel Josh's hand crawling over me. They fucking wanted to rape me.

I never blamed Mew for this. It was all my fault. I should have checked with dad. But I got so frightened with him getting accident that I didn't think it through. Such a bloody fool I am.

If Mew didn't came that day at that moment I don't know what would have happened. I think I would have ended my life then and there.

I feel filthy everytime I recall that day's event. I can't just let go this thought out of my mind. Everytime I look at Mew, I can never get myself to look at him in his eyes. I would break down in a single second. I don't want him to see me in my broken state.

Everytime Wat asks me about my state,I just lie to him well everyone who asks me. I don't want people to look at me with sympathetic looks. I hate it. I know I was seconds to get raped but I don't want people to continuously remind me by looking with pitiful eyes.

It's always been hard for me to Coming out of the shell. Talking to unknown people and getting comfortable with people around me has always been too difficult. Me and Mew used to be so distant from the beginning specially me. I was getting uncomfortable initially. It took a lot of my effort to express my feelings in front of him. I know he has always been patient with everything about me from the start. He has never shown frustration about my constant denial to having sex with him even when after dating for so many months. Though he has never said it out loud but I know as a teenager how much someone wants to be physically involved after dating for months. I'm not saying that I wouldn't do it, but i wanted it to be in a special occasion.

At this point I know I have hurt him enough times and it is definitely going to be the last time I'll hurt you Mew. After today you will not want to be with me when I'll break up with you. I know it will be best for you. After all You desreve the best atleast better than me who is a filthy little shit.

I don't want Mew to regret after we will be together. I don't want him to regret oneday about loving a dirty kid like me. I can't get through the trauma. I know myself how hard I fight anything unusual happened with me no matter it is a good thing or a bad.

That day Josh touched me inappropriately along with his fucking friends. How could he though!! I am actually angry at myself for being a total fool. Everything that happened that day is because of me. I could have told anyone or just could have told Mew.

We were so happy that day. It was a perfect date beside the lake. I even could picture us getting married or even having our  kids and bringing them all for the picnic there. But everything is just a damn dream. Mew is such a good partner one could ever ask for. But I fucking ruined everything.

The day before Yesterday when Mew sang our song, I was so overwhelmed. Yes, our song!!! Though I have listened to it so many times before, every time i hear it, I feel goosebumps. I was staring at him the whole time when he played the guitar. After he finished, he looked through my eyes. Before he could see my soul more, I looked away. I know I have to be strong for you Mew.  Afterall I want you happy with someone better than me not me.

Months ago when I went to his room, he sat me there and played this song. I actually got tears when I heard it. I couldn't believe he wrote it for me.

Yesterday I was this close to kiss him and claim him as mine when we went to surfing. He looked divine. But I restricted myself. I don't deserve him.