The New American Dream

Part Four: Amsterdam | Chapter Thirty-Four

The Van Gogh museum was a different story altogether. Even if I wasn't all that interested in 'classical' art, it was lovely to see either way. Dan and I had taken an uber this time. We had to wait in line at the museum because we didn't buy tickets in advance but I was alright with that, any excuse to be with Dan a littler longer was more than welcome to me.

In that moment I asked myself at what point I had made my decision. I had always wanted Nate, had even broken up with Mark for that and the knowledge still stung in my chest. But had I finally admitted defeat and realized Nate and I would never be more than just best friends? Maybe I just wanted to protect myself from even more disappointments. Maybe I had finally realized it was time to move on and take my chances with others.

My thoughts were disrupted by Dan asking me a question, after that I didn't return to those thoughts, but the knowledge that I was undoubtedly in love with Dan stayed with me.

_____

I could have spent hours in the museum.

"Being surrounded by that much art is breathtaking," I said to Dan as I looked around myself.

"Especially when you're an artist, right?" he asked with a smile.

I nodded. "Yeah, I just wish that somehow he knows how beloved his art is. Like most big artists he died before he could be appreciated. I hope in the afterlife he gets to see what legacy he has left," I said, almost a little sad. My thoughts wandered to that Doctor Who episode where they took Vincent to this very museum and he got to see how much the people loved his work and he started crying. It made me tear up a little, but I smiled to myself.

"Sometimes I wonder how far away you are inside of your head," Dan said with a smile.

"Hundreds of thousands of miles. Believe me."

In the end I didn't want to bore Dan too much so I didn't linger around the paintings too much. Maybe one day I would go back to Amsterdam and come here again, then I would take all the time in the world.

After looking at the exhibitions we went to the souvenir store and I bought myself a book about Vincent Van Gogh, a notebook with the almond blossom print and a set of color pencils. I stopped myself there because I didn't want to spend all my money here, but I definitely would have wanted to.

"Hey, wait a moment," Dan stopped me when we had walked back out.

I turned back around to him. "Yes?"

He handed me a little paper bag that was undoubtedly from the souvenir store we had just been in. I hadn't even noticed he had bought anything.

"For me?"

Dan nodded. "To add to your collection," he said with a smile.

I opened the bag and inside was one of the bracelets they sold, a golden bangle with an engraved quote from Vincent.

"Go out and paint the stars," I read with a smile on my lips.

"I thought it was fitting," Dan said, suddenly shy.

I hugged him. "It's perfect." I put the bracelet on and admired how well it went with the rest of my jewelry and how snugly it fit my wrist. "Honestly, I could have spent a little fortune in there, but like, I need to eat for the rest of the week."

"Yes, I saw the glistening in your eyes," he laughed. "Either way, I think we should go and eat now. Cassie will kill me if I don't feed you," he joked.

_____

This time we didn't get fast food, but instead went to a small restaurant and ate pasta. Dan made me order a sugary drink, just to keep my sugar levels high enough, as he put it.

"Feeling good? No headache or dizziness? No immediate need to throw up?" he asked as we left.

"A-okay," I answered and looked around for a possible thing to do next. "We didn't really plan anything with the others, right?" I asked with a sudden realization. The museum had been the only thing on my mind, I had completely forgotten that there was a rest to the day.

"Not really. Do you want to meet up with them?"

I thought about that. "No. Actually I want to draw right now. This city is incredibly inspiring and I need to keep my momentum while I have it."

"Okay and that means?"

"I need to find something to draw and then a space to do so."

"Maybe I have an idea."

We ended up at the National Maritime Museum or rather the Scheepvaartmuseum. It was a huge, brilliant, white building with an old sail ship in front of it. The immediate need to draw it struck me and I sat on the stone wall lining the water.

"Thought so," Dan laughed and climbed onto the wall next to me, holding my backpack so I could get out everything I needed without dropping anything in the water below us.

"Yup, it's a pretty good starting point," I agreed. "Are you like, alright with just sitting next to me while I draw? Because you don't need to if it's too boring..."

"It's not boring," he protested. "I have my phone and just watching you work is interesting. I wanna know how you do it, because if I were to try it, it would look like a three year old had tried to draw something," he laughed.

"That bad?"

"Yes. Even if I did exactly what you are doing, it would still look awful. So please take your time, I am more than entertained."

That was enough for me and I got to work. First I felt a little watched but soon enough I was in my little safe space in my mind, far away from reality and solely focused on my paper and the pencil in my hand. Twice Dan interrupted me - apologizing each time - to make me drink something, one time he handed me a chocolate bar just so I would eat something.

It did feel a little weird - as though I was back in kindergarten, only with better drawing skills - when someone constantly cared for me like that but after all, it only meant someone cared enough about me.

One circumstance that I unfortunately couldn't deny was that we were sitting right under the sun, no shade anywhere to be seen, and I didn't have my hat with me, smart as I was. As I definitely didn't want to repeat day one here, or even just what had happened this morning, I closed my sketchbook eventually.

"I think I should tell my parent's I'm bisexual," I said out of the blue. It had been sitting on my mind for a while now and I needed another opinion on it.

"Why now?"

"I guess if I have to tell them about the tattoos anyway, I might as well just do everything in one," I laughed.

"You know, I don't think that idea is bad at all," Dan said, laughing as well.

"Good, then I'll do it," I said more to myself, trying to mentally prepared myself for that conversation already. "I think we shouldn't sit right in the sun for too long. Wanna go back to the hotel? I'm weirdly exhausted."

Dan agreed and we returned, this time each of us went back to our own rooms. Instead of continuing to draw in my cool room, which would have had the perfect environment for me to draw in peace until Cassie returned, I actually changed into some sweatpants and a cotton tank and then laid on my bed, soon enough I fell asleep.