The New American Dream

Part Two: Loss | Chapter Nine

The days up until the funeral were a haze. I had to take sedatives multiple times a day and slept most of the time, I only woke up to use the restroom and eat, on day two my parents made me visit a therapist to get some psychological help as I had been traumatized by witnessing the death of Mark. To be fair I was so drugged up I barely remembered anything about it by the time I was back home.

This was the worst emptiness that I had ever felt.

Drugs. That's what it had been. A new experimental drug that was up and coming in our area. Very cheap and very lethal if you overdosed. I had been right. There had been something wrong with him.

I just wanted to know why, but I didn't know if I would ever get an answer.

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The morning of the funeral my medication had worn off a lot but I didn't know whether I preferred that. I was still crying non-stop but I was awake and alive to say the least.

Dead eyes stared back at me when I looked into my mirror and I decided that I shouldn't even bother with makeup, it would be washed away in a matter of seconds. Instead of applying makeup I braided my hair and put on my best black dress, a new one that I hadn't had the chance to wear yet. I would have liked to keep it that way, if this was the alternative.

The necklace Mark had given me for my birthday and the bracelet he had given me two weeks prior were the only pieces of jewelry I was wearing, apart from my piercings that I never took out and a few more bracelets to cover up the cuts on my arm. The necklace was the central piece of my outfit, the center of attention.

The funeral itself was very small, only few people had been invited. We as his friends were lucky enough to have been invited. Apart from us eight it was only his parents, his sister Lilian, his grandparents from both sides and some aunts, uncles and cousins. Not more than thirty people.

I noticed how his dad didn't cry, his mom looked sad but didn't seem to cry that much either, very much unlike his sister, who was wailing just like I had been. I sat next to her during the funeral and put my arms around her and held her; this tiny fourteen year old in my arms broke my heart even more. Unfortunately it meant I had to let go of Nate's hand but if it meant I could comfort this kid then I would bear it.

Suddenly I felt very protective of Lilian, if I could have shouldered all her pain so she didn't need to go through it then I would have. Sadly that wasn't how it worked.

I had never attended a funeral before, at least not consciously. When I had been at my grandfather's funeral, Louisa and I had been barely two years old and I had no memory of it except me throwing a tantrum because I had to sit still. Somehow I was glad that no babies were present that day.

Then again, a funeral for an old man who had lived a long and happy life was just a different story than a funeral for a young man who had been ripped out of life way too early and never got the chance to live his life. That realization made me only cry harder and hold on tighter to Lilian.

I even prayed for him. I might not have believed in a god, but I knew that he had and if I could help him like that then I would. It was probably the longest prayer I had ever said. It left me feeling incredibly empty and wishing for some sort of spiritual being I could believe in and get my energy out of.

There wasn't one.

After the main part of the funeral was over people stayed and talked, I was still with Lilian. We sat down on the grass, in the shade of an old oak tree together and I saw how the rest of my friends sat quietly on the grass a safe distance away from us, staring into nothingness. I knew exactly how they felt.

"I'm so sorry about your brother. If I can help you in any way then please just let me know," I told her and tried to put on my best 'I am a well put-together adult'-voice. I didn't think it worked.

Lilian just sniffed and wiped at her face.

Seeing this girl so destroyed pulled my heart apart even more, I felt the twinge of it ripping in half for good. When people died it wasn't just that they were gone. They left a huge impact on their surroundings, a crater of destruction. Part of the people around them also died with them.

"I don't think you can do anything. But I would like to tell you something, so if you could just listen..."

I nodded. "Of course, what is it?"

"He always talked about you. All of you, but you especially. He really loved all his friends so much... You know, he didn't like it much at home, I don't either. Mom and dad are... complicated. They have some very clear ideas of how a person should be and they get angry a lot."

"I know that situation..." I mumbled.

Lilian nodded. "My parents don't get physically violent, but the words they say and the punishment they give out... I'm not surprised he fled to drugs."

I hadn't known. How had I not known? Why had he never told me, not even when we had been a couple? Suddenly it made sense why he had never invited me into his home.

"So you knew about the drugs?" I asked her before my mind could be sent into a frenzy.

She shook her head. "No, not until after... I mean, that's not true. I did catch him taking drugs once. But he assured me it wasn't anything bad!" Her voice turned frantic, "He promised me! He said I shouldn't worry about it and that I shouldn't tell mom and dad and then he told me he loved me!" Her crying got more intense again.

I took her hand, hoping my voice wouldn't fail me now. "I'm sure he did," I croaked, "don't put the blame on yourself if he asked you for it."

At the same time I was blaming myself for not seeing that something had been wrong with him. I mean, I even noticed something had been off but never further investigated. If I had just been a little more persistent...

"He really loved you guys, you really were his happy place. Even if he skipped school a lot he was always happy to be around you, you know. Because he was able to see all of you."

A sob escaped my mouth and I pressed my hand onto it to quiet myself. It was too much to handle, too painful. "T-thank you for telling me that, I really loved him, too. We all did," I choked out after a moment when I had regained control of my breathing. "Listen, if you ever need anything just let me know okay? Here, let me give you my phone number," I said and scribbled it down on a piece of paper from my notebook that I always carried around with me. "Here you go, if there is literally anything you need help with then please just send a message. And if it's just someone to talk to, okay?"

Lilian took the note from me and nodded. "Thank you. And can you promise me one thing?"

Immediately I nodded. "Anything."

"Continue the band. He was the happiest I've ever seen him in the past days even though mom and dad really punished him for that thing you did in school. He was so happy that your video went viral and that you all went to that concert together. Continue the band, for him."

Unable to say anything to that I nodded and swallowed the sob that was building up in my throat.

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If you're wondering, the girl in the pic is supposed to be Lilian :)

I have also decided to change my upload schedule, uploaded are happening on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays now, simply because I have edited ahead pretty far and I can allow myself to put out chapter quicker. I will change it back though if I feel like I'm putting out chapters quicker than I can edit them :)