The New American Dream

Part Three: After | Chapter Eighteen

Christmas was very weird this year. I mainly kept to myself and hid behind a metaphoric wall of band shirts and makeup. The wireless earbuds I had gotten for Christmas helped with that too. My parents justified me being quiet with Mark's death and thus I was mostly left alone which I was more than okay with.

I did however, hear them whisper. My grandparents that is. My mother had told them about my therapist visits and the medication I was getting to deal with my trauma. Why she did I didn't understand, I didn't want her to, but when did she ever listen to me? I heard my grandparents whisper what a shame it was I was taking these kinds of drugs and that I should be able to get through it on my own because "god knows that's what everyone else does when someone dies". I wanted to rip their heads off.

"Oh yeah?" I asked with a quivering voice and stepped into the kitchen. They clearly hadn't known I was there. "Did those people kneel in a puddle of their best friend's blood? Unable to do anything to stop the bleeding? Not knowing what the hell was even going on? Tell me, would you ever be able to sleep again if you saw your best friend bleed out of his nose and his mouth and his ears and his eyes? See him die in a matter of minutes? Would you be able to do that without a therapist and drugs that kept you numb? Because I fucking doubt that," I spat enraged.

"Dear, that's not how we meant it-" my grandmother tried.

"Too bad, that's what you said. If you want to trade places with me then you're more than welcome, otherwise I would like you to stop judging me like that because god knows it's none of your fucking business."

The rest of Christmas day was spent in my room except for a very awkward dinner. It wasn't awkward for me, I was completely fine with the situation. The rest of my family however was very awkward around me. I equally liked and hated it.

The rest of the time I texted my friends, I also checked in with Lilian.

I was most happy when my grandparents had finally left again and I could be myself again. The peace and quiet of my room and the knowledge that they were gone again calmed me. My eyes fell on Mark's stuff that I had carefully put into two plastic boxes and that were now standing in front of my bookshelves.

I decided to go through them again and see which shirt I would give to who, in the end I also put each one into a gift bag and put name tags onto it. I also opened the box with his jewelry and put one item into each of the gift bags.

When I was done with it I just sat there, with his jewelry all around me and I broke down. I hadn't cried about it properly for months, now I let it all out. For a long while I just sat crying in my room, crying my heart out, desperately hanging onto what was left of him. I ended up hurting myself again and spaced out for a good twenty minutes afterward. Eventually the tears had run out and I had calmed down, was back to my senses as well, though I kept staring at his jewelry.

When I had asked Lilian about it I had had something special in my mind but hadn't made my mind up all the way, now however I had decided. I picked out a silver necklace with a small dagger pendant and the matching silver ring and pulled my sleeve over my bleeding arm, I didn't have time for anything else. As quietly as possible I tip-toed through the house and knocked on Louisa's door, only then realizing she might already be asleep. Not everyone stayed up as long as me. But there was a "come in" from the other side and I opened the door slowly.

"Oh, Alissa," she just said. She was sitting on her bed, still in her dress, watching Netflix.

"Hi. Sorry to interrupt... that." I had no idea what she was watching.

"Uh, no problem..." she said and paused the player. "What did you want again?"

I scratched my neck. "I think... I owe you an apology."