My Life, in Ruins

My Life, in Ruins -Chapter five-

There was a big party on Saturday night. Big as in two story beach house with a guest house in the back and lots and lots of liquor and drugs. Everyone in school was invited, and I do mean everyone. It worried me a bit that I may run into Ian there, but I wasn’t going to dwell on that. The cheerleading girls and I were going together and we were going to set up our stuff in the guest house and claim it as our own for the weekend. The beach house was an hour and a half away from where we all lived and I think it actually belonged to Ray’s family, which was weird, but if there was something else she was notorious for, besides her sleeping around, it was her awesome parties.
I dressed in my favorite black, tight dress and skin colored panty-hose and put on my elbow length fish net gloves and some extra bracelets because lets face it, I had more fresh cuts than scars now and people didn’t need to be seeing that. I put on heavier eye liner and mascara then I usually do and added some glittery shadow over the black so my eyes would shine like they haven’t in so long. My blonde hair fell over my shoulders in perfect rolls and the final touch was a dab of lip gloss, I was ready to rock this party. Kerrie, who was driving, was wearing a plaid dress with skinny straps, she had her usual Tierra in her perfectly set black hair and had a fine amount of eyeliner and blush on. She looked back at me when I climbed into her Jeep and frowned.
“Here Bree, you need these.”
I watched as she opened her glove compartment and threw back a pair of hoop earrings at me.
“Ah, I almost forgot. Thanks babe.”
She smiled and then rolled her eyes at Priscilla’s glare. I think it was safe to say that I wasn’t one of her favorite people. We jammed out to music the whole drive to the beach house and got there before the party began, which was lucky. We ran, as fast as you can run in heels, to the back guest house to stake our claim in it before someone else claimed it to hook up in. Maya and me threw our bags on the bed and Karrie called the recliner chair so that left Priscilla on the floor and she wasn’t all too pleased about that. We took turns in the bathroom refreshing our make-up and making sure everything was “perfect” before leaving the guest house to join the party.
 
The music was just hitting a good beat and people were starting to arrive at a faster pace by the time we mingled our way inside. Is saw Annie, Ron, and two other girls in a corner nearby but pretended like I didn’t notice when Annie smiled and waved at me. The girls and I fell into our familiar dance routine, drinks in one hand and grind to the beat until we all get picked off by guys. Carter came up right away, no surprise there, and swept Priscilla further into the sea of dancers; I saw Ray watching them from her post on the balcony (yea, they have a damn balcony in their house) but she quickly recovered by moving her eyes from dancing group to dancing group. Hm, that was strange. Two more guys came and plucked my other girls off and then it was just me left there dancing by myself; no big deal or anything. Or it was no big deal until I saw Ian and his sister join their group of friends. I panicked, but before I could figure out what to do Clay showed up and saved the day without even realizing it.
“Hey, do you want to dance?” I could see he was nervous about asking and I couldn’t help but find that mildly attractive.
“Yea sure, I’d love to.”
I saw Ian watching as Clay wrapped his arms around my waist and we started moving to the music. An hour into the party girls were starting to get a little crazy drunk. They were playing spin-the-bottle in a circle and guys were crowded around watching. I wasn’t surprised to see Ray in the midst of them, she wasn’t just known for hooking up with guys, word on the street was she was into girls too. I smiled, watching them, and then though “what the hell?” Ray smiled up at me when I approached them and patted an empty spot next to her for me to sit. Guys started wolf-calling when I joined the circle, apparently every guy at my high school wanted to watch me exchange saliva with other girls.
I rolled my eyes and concentrated on the objective, kiss as many girls as you could. Finally, it was my turn to spin the (beer) bottle. It circled around, five, six times before slowing down and then finally landing on Ray. She cocked her eyebrow at me and smiled as I looked at the bottle in shock. What the hell? I thought, this is what you were playing for. I leaned in half way, waiting for her to take the lead. Ray leaned in the rest of the way and gently pressed her lips against mine, and then parted my lips with hers, playing with my tongue. I felt a tongue ring and couldn’t help thinking of how hot that was.
I only played the game until I had kissed each girl in the circle at least once and then after that where was the fun in it? As I got up I noticed a very angry looking Priscilla standing in the corner with Carter; she was giving me death glares. What the fuck is up with that? The bar was packed and I was pretty excited to get my drink on. Before I got to the actual bar one of the guys that I used to smoke with (hey, don’t judge) bumped into me.
“Hey, sorry. Oh Bree, long time no see.” I smiled politely at him.
I had never liked him but he had always had a huge crush on me so I got whatever I needed for free from him.
“Hey,” He said again. “I have this new stuff, you should come with me and try it out.” I hesitated.
Besides pills, I had been pretty good at staying away from any other drugs. Sure I had experimented a few times, but drugs weren’t really my thing. I thought about it for a minute and looked around the room, hoping no one would notice me talking to him longer than necessary. I saw Ian dancing with the black haired girl (def. an emo) that I had seen at the game the other day. I still didn’t know her name but she looked like she was really into him. He looked up and caught me watching him so I quickly looked away. Fuck my life!
“Sure, meet me out back in ten. I want to get a drink first.”
 Jared, if that was even his name, I don’t even remember; agreed and then headed towards the back of the house. I finally made it to the bar and had the tender pour me eight different shots before I settled on one that I liked. With my glass full of cherry tequila (what? The taste was already in my mouth from one of the girls lip gloss so I just went with it) I made my way out back to join Jared, John? Who even cares? He smiled when he saw me and motioned from the cabana. Luckily, no one was inside of it.
“So what is it exactly that you have?” I asked him.
“Candy.” He said, pulling out a handful of Jolly Ranchers.
I was smart enough to know these weren’t regular Jolly Ranchers. I arched an eyebrow at him and watched him unwrap one and pop it into his mouth. He sucked on it contently and closed his eyes.
“Trust me, you haven’t had anything like it.”
I reached down and picked up the green apple one. Very slowly, I unwrapped it and then followed his lead and popped it in my mouth. At first it tasted regular, but as my spit mixed with the surface of it I started to taste the coke. Ah, cocaine. I hadn’t had that since the first time I experimented with it freshmen year. I smiled to myself, recalling the memories, and then grabbed the rest of the jolly ranchers.
“You’re right Jared, thanks.”
“It’s Jude.” He said, still smiling.
I frowned. Jude, seriously? “Oh right, Jude, thanks.”
He didn’t seem to be paying attention as I got up and left the cabana with my new stash of goodies. The party was so much better after that and I didn’t have a problem mingling and dancing with anyone, girls and guys alike. Ian slowly made his way over to me when I was on my…twenty-fourth(?) drink and second Jolly Rancher. He wrapped his arms around my waist from behind and kissed below my ear, my body instantly tingled everywhere.
“You should come upstairs with me.” He whispered.
I could smell the vodka on his breath but it didn’t unsettle me, it actually made me want some…hm, I wonder if they have flavored vodka at the bar? But then I realized what he was offering.
“Why would I go upstairs with you? So we can fuck and then you can go back to your tutu whore?”
The emo girl he was dancing with before had in fact been wearing a tutu. It hadn’t angered me that he was dancing with her earlier, because seriously, why would I care? But with the coke running through my system all of the filters in my head were down and I was temporarily free from all burdens of my life. 
“Because you want to.” He said, sounding a little unsure of himself. “Because we have a good time and because I’m not attracted to the ‘tutu whore’ whose name is Candace.”
I rolled my eyes and turned so I was facing him. For some reason it didn’t dwell on me to pull away from him.
“Well I don’t want you, how about that?”
Ian smiled a cocky smiled and looked at me. “You always want me, Bree. Admit it, you crave me, I’m like a drug to you. You wouldn’t last without another fix.”
Because the drugs were destroying my brain, I was in a very defensive mood. Well, that was my excuse, really I was mad because I realized that I had, in fact, been getting attached to Ian. When I was around him I felt like I could be myself, and that really freaked me out. I didn’t want anyone to see beyond my exterior. 
“I don’t need you, thank-you very much.” I told him, placing my head on his chest and giving him a good shove.
He stepped backwards and few steps and looked at me a little confused.
“I don’t ever need you, what we did was a temporary blip on my brain, but that moment is gone and passed and I’m over it.”
Ian cocked one of his eye brows and looked at me. “You’re just saying that because your drunk off your ass.”
I shook my head. “Nope, because remember, I was drunk off my ass when I fucked you the first time and I’m drunk off my ass this time and guess what? I don’t want you.”
Minor lie, but details aren’t important. Ian watched me, trying to call my bluff, and that’s when I found my out to prove to him that I didn’t in fact need him.
“Hey Clay,” I grabbed his arm and pulled him back to me.
He smiled down at me and I could see that his eyes were slightly dilated. He had been drinking as well. I ignored Ian as I gave Clay “the look” and laced my fingers with his. Pulling gently, I led him out of the crowd and towards the stairs.
“Where are we going?” He asked, a little confused.
“Shh.” I told him, my head starting to feel lighter and less packed with brains. “It’s a secret.”
Clay smiled at me, but it was an uneasy smile. I led him up the stairs and to the nearest vacant room. With the door locked behind us and the bed awaiting, Clay finally got the idea of what was going on and I saw a worried look cross his face.
“Bree…are you sure? Because if you’re drunk or something then this isn’t right…”
I cut him off by forcing my lips onto his. “Shut up and take your clothes off.” I ordered and then followed my own orders by pulling my dress off over my head and pulling my panty-hose off. I wasn’t wearing a bra so all that was left was my thong and my fish-net gloves, but I had no intention of taking those off. Clay’s eyes turned lustful and then he too quickly removed his clothes. You could always count on guys, no matter how sweet they are, to provide an easy lay when you need it. Clay and I made our way towards the bed and fell down together, I climbed on top of him taking charge. He tried to kiss me a lot more than Ian did, and it irritated me that I would think of Ian in a situation like this. I returned Clay’s kisses with as much force as he put out and thought to myself “this is me, not needing Ian.”

Flying high on coke in an experience; all your sense heighten and every sensation becomes so much more sensual. This time, though, was nothing like that; Clay didn’t tease me like Ian did nor did he have much skill. He pounded into me hard, but that was more for his own pleasure than mine. Last time I did coke, the slightest touch to my body would send tingles of delight to my core, but this time I was more annoyed and bored. I faked an orgasm to make him feel better and then he climaxed shortly after. I was too wired to lay around and cuddle when the deed was done so I wiggled out of his arms and pulled my clothes on.
“Where are you going?” He asked me, obviously sleepy.
“Back to the party, duh.” He didn’t reply, he’d probably passed out. I made my way downstairs, careful not to fall, and swore off coke forever; it just wasn’t worth it anymore.

I found a new drink and my girls and I fell into a familiar routine once again. Kerrie and Maya turned in first, though I’m not sure they actually went to bed. Priscilla wouldn’t even look at me, but that didn’t really matter anyways because she disappeared sometime later leaving a sloppy Carter drooling all over me…quite literally. As the coke worked through my system I started getting much hotter in the crowded room so I went outside to the beach and stripped down into nothing; my bracelets jingled in the wind.
“Are you going to jump in or just stand there?”
I didn’t startle when I heard Ian’s voice, it seemed all to natural for him to be here now.
“I’m building up courage.” I told him, not opening my eyes.
“You have goose-bumps.” He commented.
I didn’t reply; instead, I dug my toes into the sand and enjoyed the sea breeze. Suddenly, the wind picked up and I ran with it, jumping into a fresh roll of waves. The cool water caressed my skin and made my sense go crazy. When I crawled out of the water Ian was still there, towel in hand.
“What are you still doing here?” I asked while allowing him to wrap the towel around me.
“Making sure you didn’t drown.” He replied.
“I told you I didn’t need you.” I reminded him.
His eyes narrowed but he closed them quickly, hiding any emotion that was plastering on his face, not that I would be able to read emotion in the state I’m in. The wind ruffled his growing, black hair around his face and he was chewing on his snakebites, probably a nervous habit.
“Yea, I remember.”
I watched him standing there, so still and statue like, and I couldn’t held but take a step forward. He opened his eyes and saw me shiver, thinking it was from the night air he pulled me into his arms for a hug. I let him hug me and closed my eyes. I felt him pull back slightly after a moment but ignored it until I felt him grab my chin. I opened my eyes in time to see him bend towards me and place his lips against mine. It was an innocent kiss, a sweet kiss, but the way it made my body awaken and send electricity from my lips all the way down to my toes. This was what I had been missing before. I will swear up and down that it wasn’t me in control of my next actions but the coke, but at that point in my high, who really knows?
I threw my arms around his neck and deepened the kiss; I felt my towel fall, no longer having hands holding it up. We opened our mouths together and our tongues met in the middle, mingling with each other. I buried my hands in his hair and he moved his own hands to my hips, drawing me closer to him. I could feel his want for me but he made no move to take his pants off or push our situation any farther. I detangled one of my hands from his hair and moved it to the button on his pants. Receiving no protest from him, I slipped my hand inside and grabbed his hard member; he groaned and pressed into me. I moved my hand up and down and deepened our kiss; he moaned this time. Before I could make another move he grabbed my arm and pulled my hand from his pants; its safe to say I was very confused.
“What?” I asked.
He stepped back form me and took a moment to gain control of himself. When he opened his eyes he leaned over and picked up my towel, wrapping it around me again. His breathing was rough but he held strong.
“You should go to bed before you catch a cold, I’ll walk you.”
He picked my clothes off the ground and led the way to the guest house. I was baffled and totally confused. What had just happened? Had Ian turned me down for sex? Guys never, ever turn down sex.

I couldn’t sleep that night, for obvious reasons. Coke is a stimuli and it keeps you awake and wired for hours. When the girls finally made their way back to the room (from unknown places), I faked sleep just so they would leave me alone. They turned the lights off and were asleep in minutes and I felt Maya crawl into bed with me. Cunts. I was stuck awake dealing with everything swirling around in my jumbled head and they got to sleep peacefully. Life just wasn’t fair.
I finally crashed when the clock read 5:52 AM and I didn’t wake-up until 1:05 PM. There was a note on the bedside take that said: Tried to wake you. Priscilla had to split, sorry -Kerrie. Awesome. When I sat up I had a pounding headache. Another awesome. Luckily I had brought some party pills with me and popped them in, swallowing despite my dry throat. I made my way to the house, still in my jammies. The first thing I smelled when I stepped inside was spilled beer and residue pot-smoke; the second thing I smelled was breakfast. I followed my nose, expecting to find people and I did. Ray was behind the counter mixing some pancake batter and Ian’s sister Jessica was cooking up bacon and sausage. I didn’t see Ian but I was suspicious that he was still here as well. They caught sight of me and both of them smiled.
“The girls ditched me and I have to get home.” I said.
Ray nodded but continued battering her pancakes. “After breakfast I’ll drive you.”
“I’m not hungry.” I argued just as my stomach rumbled.
“Well everyone else is so we’re not leaving until breakfast is over.”
I was shocked at her forwardness with me considering we’ve never really exchanged words before (though we had exchanged spit) and she’s so reserved at school, ignoring even the worse pestering from Priscilla. While I moped around my suspicions were confirmed that Ian was still here when he came downstairs with bed head. He was wearing basketball shorts(!) and that was it, but he wasn’t alone. Following behind him was a short(ish) brunette, she had some eyeliner caked under her eyes and she looked tired…and she was wearing his shirt. He saw me there and stopped walking; he looked me over and I suddenly remembered what I must look like; I had gone for a swim last night so I had absolutely no make-up on and I still had bed head, hastily thrown into a messed up bun, and my pajamas on. I looked away form him and down at the plate that had been pushed in front of me. Ray was giving me a look that said ‘you don’t eat, we don’t leave.’ I ate everything on my plate, every morsel, every piece of pancake. I excused myself to the bathroom after, my stomach was overly stuffed and it was making me seriously nauseous. I puked all the contents of my stomach into the toilet.
No, I’m not anorexic or bulimic (even though I am crazy strict about my weight gain); I have ways of loosing weight that don’t involve my teeth rooting and falling out. No, I was puking now because my body wasn’t used to so much food and I was now terribly sick. When I finished puking I flushed the toilet and found an un-opened tooth brush in the medicine cabinet. I brushed my teeth vigorously and then popped two Advil; god I hated my life. When I opened the bathroom door Ian was standing there, leaning against the wall. He was looking at me with judging eyes.
“What?” I asked him, folding my arms over my chest. “I told her I couldn’t eat all of that.”
And with that I turned and left him standing there. Ray drove me home just like promised and I was rightfully startled to see my mom’s car in the driveway indicating she was home. I thanked Ray for the ride and headed in the house, my mom was waiting up for me.
“Stop!” She said before I could make it up the stairs and into the safety of my room.
I stopped and turned to face her. Her eyes were squinting at me and she had her hands on her hips.
“Do not, for one second, think that I don’t know what’s going on with you.”
I stared at her blankly, giving away nothing. “I already had one failure of a daughter and I will not let you follow in her footsteps. I’m warning you now, if I find out you’re a fucking drug whore like your sister I’ll ship you off to a fucking boarding school, is that clear?”
I nodded and when I was sure she wasn’t going to say anymore I went upstairs and to my room.

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So some of you have asked questions like "why does she keep sleeping with Ian if she doesn't like him" and stuff like that. Well here is the answer (:
Bree is a very distrubed person! lol. Nah, but it mentions later on in the story that she has a lot of problems that generated from her parents so the whole sleeping with Ian thing is something that makes her feel better, if only for a little while. He makes her feel wanted.
(: