Imperfect

Lone Wolf

I was sat in my room with a tub of ice cream. I knew I shouldn't be watching but I couldn't help myself. I still wasn't over Fin. Sleeping with him had just reinforced my feelings further, and now I felt like I was that fan girl. Watching his interviews dreaming of the day I would get to be with him. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake the feelings I had for him. I was watching the Oscars and he was up for several major awards. Jamie was out with Kyler, so it was me, myself, and my ice cream. I started spooning the cool dessert into my mouth as celebrities were being interviewed. I knew Finley was scheduled to be on soon, and I just wanted a glimpse of him. I craved the sound of his voice, and just the sight of his smile. It was pathetic but it was all I wanted. I had no idea if he was doing the red carpet alone or not, and part of me was praying he would be alone. I tried to snap myself out of it and ate some more ice cream. Finley's gorgeous perfect face flashed up on screen. My heart started fluttering and my breathing got heavier. He was wearing the perfect black suit, that framed his slightly muscular frame perfectly. He had his hair pushed away from his face, and there was his smile. His perfect smile. I sighed to myself and turned the TV up.

"Thanks for joining us Finley. Now you're up for quite a few awards tonight, are you excited?" The interviewer asked.

"Thanks for having me. I'm definitely excited, there are so many talented actors and actresses up for awards, and it's an honour to be nominated alongside them." He replied.

"We've heard through the grapevine that there's another Exile Watch movie planned for next year, is that true?" The interviewer winked at the camera and Finley chuckled.

"I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to tell you," he lied. I knew he lied because he always had many meetings before interviews telling him precisely how much he was allowed to say, "but filming will be resuming some time later this year."

"Awesome, so have you got a date tonight? Obviously you've been through a break up recently, but are there any new romances on the cards?" She asked. My heart skipped a beat, and I leaned closer to the tv in anticipation of his answer. Finley rubbed the back of his head awkwardly, and laughed slightly.

"In short, no. I'm enjoying being single again. I have my cat, my friends and a freezer full of ice cream that keeps me more than occupied." They both laughed, and Finley did something that made me nearly throw up. Months before we had agreed that if he ever went to an event alone, he would signal that he loved me with a hand gesture. A simple thumbs up. It probably meant nothing, he didn't even know I was watching so why would he do that for me? I shook my head.

"I think we can all relate to that! We've also seen all over your social media that you've been to a lot of animal rights protests recently. How have they been?" She asked.

"They've been great. I'm grateful I have the platform to educate people on why the exploitation of animals is so wrong. It's something I've been passionate about for a long time, and without people who have a platform educating people, nothing will change." He said thoughtfully. A few of the Exile Watch cast members walked behind Fin and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned and greeted them and then smiled at the interviewer.

"I guess all of you have a close relationship, how is it on set?" She asked.

"Incredible. We've definitely all grown close over the past few years. It's been an incredible journey, I don't want it to end." He replied. I saw Malcolm come and whisper something in Fin's ear. "I have to get in, but thanks for talking to me!" He said. He shook the interviewers hand, and that was it. He was gone. I slumped backwards on my bed. Seeing Fin always made me feel better, but at the same time, it hurt. I hated seeing him so happy with his life, when I was miserable. It was like he had forgotten our relationship had even happened. I ate some more, semi melted, ice cream and closed the tub. I forced myself out of bed and downstairs. I put the ice cream away and leaned against the noisy old chest freezer. I needed to stop torturing myself. I needed to move on. I decided I would write a bucket list. Things I needed to do, and by the end of it, I would be over Fin. I found a notepad and a pen and settled myself back in my bed. I began writing.

1. GET OVER FINLEY
2. Volunteer for more training at work
3. Invite Mum and Dad over for dinner
4. Go out with the girls
5. Stop checking Finley's social media
6. Learn to love myself
7. Follow career aspirations
8. Start working out again
9. Buy a house, rather than renting
10. Delete all of Finley's contact info and block him.

I looked down at what I had written, satisfied with the list. I titled it 'The Ten Commandments of breaking up with Fin' Some of those were very achievable. Some of the other goals seemed impossible but just getting it out of my system felt good. I settled back in to watch the Oscar's. Despite wanting to get over Fin, I hoped he won the awards he was up for. He had worked incredibly hard on the movies he had been in, and he deserved a win after such a rough year. After this, I would forget him.

After waiting for what felt like hours, Finley's main category came up. I waited with baited breath as they read out all the nominees. There were some seasoned actors in the category and I knew it would be a small miracle if Finley won. I had seen the movies the actors were nominated for, but I had total faith in Fin. He was a phenomenal actor, and he had a larger than life personality.

"And the winner is..." the pause was unbearable and I could barely breath. Finley was trying to play it cool, he knew he was on camera, but I could tell he was nervous. His eyes gave him away, and I knew his eyes better than I knew my own.

"Finley Beckett!" I couldn't help squealing. I was so happy for him. He stood up and hugged everyone at his table. I pulled my blanket up around my shoulders, and watched with a grin on my face as he walked up to the stage to accept the award. He shook hands with the presenter of the award who I didn't recognise, and stood at the podium looking dumbfounded, but happy.

"Oh wow." He said into the mic, looking down at the award. "This is, thank you so much. I really didn't expect to win so I have nothing prepared." He placed the Oscar down and shoved his hand into his pocket. "Well I wanna start by thanking everyone who has worked on the Exile Watch movies. I see this as a win for all of us. I wanna thank my fellow actors for acting so poorly to make me look amazing." He winked at his cast mates and the room erupted into laughter. "No seriously, thank you guys. Without your help and guidance, I would still be goofing off somewhere on set. We have an amazing bond and I'm lucky I've met you all. I wanna thank my family for pushing me towards acting, my manager Malcolm, who I'm sure wants to kill me around fifty times a day. Also my cat Mr Boots. He's the best little guy in the world." He paused for a second. "Also I wanna thank the team at the treatment facility for helping me recover from my addiction. Also to my sponsor, I know I ring you almost every day but I wouldn't be celebrating six months of sobriety without you." I thought he was done, but he continued. "I also wanna thank someone special. They couldn't be here tonight for personal reasons, but they inspired me when I was losing hope in this industry. They helped me find my passion again and I will be eternally grateful for that. You know who you are." He put a thumb up at the camera. He was definitely talking to me. "Other than that, thanks to all of my fans and anyone who has ever worked with me or helped me get where I am. This has only been possible thanks to you. Oh and Go Vegan. Thank you." He lifted the award and everyone began clapping and cheering. He walked towards the back of the stage and I turned the television off. I sat back on my bed and frowned. Why was he still doing this? I stared down at the bucket list in my lap. It was time to start this now. I scrambled out of bed and went downstairs. I grabbed a bottle of wine from the fridge and poured myself a glass. I unlocked my phone and began backing everything up to the cloud. I didn't want to erase Fin, I just wanted to forget him for now. One day I would be strong enough to deal with these memories.

Half an hour, and half a bottle of rosé wine, later, I had blocked and deleted all of his contact information and social media from my phone and contacts. I had backed up all of my pictures and wiped my phone clean. If I was really going to get over Fin, I was going to do it properly. I had to cut all ties completely and try and do what was right for me. I sent a message to my parents inviting them to dinner later in the week, and I had begun working on my new get fit plan. Seeing Finley on screen had lit a fire under my ass. I was determined, now more than ever, I was going to get over Finley Beckett.

I had finished the workout plan and pinned it on the back of my bedroom door. The wine had the affect on me I wanted it to. I was now exhausted and beyond ready for bed. I sat down and began scrolling through twitter instead. I couldn't go to bed until I knew if Jamie was coming home or not.