Feeling unwell - a message I sent to a friend.
I'm ok. Well I'm not. Sometimes its just hard to keep on going you know? I feel like my mind is fighting with itself. Sometimes I feel like I am screaming into the void. Sometimes I just want to fall down and cry. I am sorry to worry you, sometimes its just hard to keep it in you know? Sometimes my feelings overflow. It's hard to stay positive and happy all the time, there are moments where my composure breaks. I feel like I lash out. Like at [NAME], and I don't mean to. I feel like my emotions begin to lash around me like a physical entity. Like a physical thing and I cannot control myself. I care more about you than I do about myself, but so often I am plagued by the thought that no one cares for me, that I am nothing. My therapist told me (as I did mention this to her some time ago) she said this is because of the way my father treated me. He treated me with indifference my entire life. My entire life. He knew I was self-harming. He noticed, he saw and mentioned it one day. But he didn't care. He did nothing about it. Nothing. It still affects me to this day. My past trauma has never really let go of me. You know? I try to be happy and positive, god help me I try but somedays I just crack. My past trauma has moulded itself into a part of who I am today, and I will never fully recover from what I lived through. I care so much for other people because of how much I have suffered myself. I know what it's like, and I'm sorry to others for how I act sometimes, for lashing out emotionally, for my anxiety. Sometimes I have trouble breathing for no reason, well besides my anxiety. I mean...sometimes when its really bad I can get out of breath simply by talking. I think it worries my partner a lot, but he has stuck by my side all these years...This is awful, it affects my job, it affects my days off, I cannot enjoy the things I usually do. I feel physically sick and struggle to eat. I can spend 10+hours in bed simply due to being mentally and utterly drained.
YOU ARE READING
Confession to my partner
Non-Fiction*ADDITION* What is this book? This book is not in any specific category, its more of a mish-mash of random things. Biography/diary/my own thoughts/things that have been happening to me/quotes/anything else I want to write about....and so on...
