Confession to my partner

2019 - Jan/start of Feb

So I'm feeling a little more myself at the moment. I have been sleeping for nearly 3 days straight. I've been feeling totally rotten. Just bloody awful. Depressed and sick. Pretty much sleeping non-stop. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to live anymore. And it's not exactly that I WANT to die, I just want all this unpleasantness to stop. I want to feel myself again. I just feel so exhausted. Its exhausting being this way all the time. I so often feel so hopeless, like I want to just give up.

I just feel so tired. Even now I still feel a little dizzy, better than I was this morning, but still not fully myself. I recently went to the doctors. Apparently I have an ear infection or something, which is putting my balance off. I just feel so sick, better at this very moment, but still pretty not-great.

I just feel so tired. So tired all the time. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to be myself again. I want to be me. I'm just fed up with all this crap. I just want to go back to bed. I don't know what to do. I cannot think straight.

I dreamed of Kidu again. I miss her so much. I want to make myself better.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I am booked again to see a therapist. This one is different from the last one (which didn't help) I am booked to visit a clinic that specialises in depression and anxiety.

I just feel so fed up. I cannot remember what I just wrote. Probably repeated myself a lot.

I nearly had an anxiety attack at work. So often feel on the edge. Sometimes I do not even realise. This month (jan) has been literal hell for me. This month of January just gone, has literally been one of the worse moments in my entire life. Sometimes its so hard to carry on.

I just feel tired. So tired all the time.

I want to fix myself, I want to feel normal.

The worse thing about depression is not what it does to you, but what it does to those around you. My partner (lovely amazing person) is so worried for me, which makes me feel guilty, because I am making him worry, which makes him worse, which makes me worse again. Its like a pattern that is zig-zagging downwards constantly.

Depression is so hard because you have to explain yourself to others. I hate it when people have to walk egg-shells around me, but my partner (lovely man) told me that is what he and his family have to do around me because I am so sensitive. I just so often feel worthless. Like everything is too hard and I just want to give up. And its over little things. I know it is but I cannot help or control myself. This is just so horrible. I'm tired of being this way. This isn't the real me. I'm normally so cheery and silly. Also I want to thank everyone I know IRL for helping me. Everyone around me is so supportive. The reason why I am so open about all of this is because I feel I NEED to be. If I keep this to myself, considering how bad things have been, I fear that I will snap.

This morning I went to put my guinea pigs out. My partner panicked because I wasn't at home.

It makes me feel guilty that people think I'm constantly going to hurt myself.

I want to help myself. I am desperately seeking help. I'm just so fed up. I desperately want help. I so desperately want to be 'normal'. Both my brother and I are depressed and on medication. I will probably have to deal with this for the rest of my life. It's exhausting and I just get fed up with it. I hate making others worry for me. I hate that sort of attention. I just hate it.

I am going back to bed now as I feel dizzy again. And a little sick. I'm not eating properly at the moment I think because I am sleeping constantly. But I am trying to eat.

I'm just so tired all the time.

Sorry to ramble, and sorry to repeat. I know I am all over the place, I am just typing as these thoughts are coming to me.

Sorry to make people worry for me. I am NOT in a state of mind where I am suicidal or intending to hurt myself. For those who don't know I have a history of self-harm. I have not done that in like over 15 years. But at times I think about it, though not often.

Thank you to everyone who has helped. I am trying everything I can to make myself better, I just feel so hopeless sometimes. Even when I smile, sometimes, on the inside and feel dark and in turmoil.

Bye for now. I'm going back to bed. Thank you for reading. 

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