Confession to my partner

2 MARCH 2021 - FB POST

MY COMMENT - 

genuine question of concern. I had a bad dream this morning, and ended up waking myself up because I shouted in my dream/shouted in real life and woke myself up. I said something like... 'you're a fucking liar!'I was dreaming about my father. I disowned him over 10 years ago because he made my childhood a living hell (drove me to self-harm for years, knew and did nothing - a fantasized about suicide nearly every single day) he treated me with indifference my entire life and is a vile and disgusting human being. I never meant anything to him. Anyway my question was something like - why is this happening? Why am I still having dreams of this man? Every time I do (which isn't often) it is always a negative dream, every time I am angry and hateful towards him, other dreams I have had are similar, I'm shouting at him/trying to escape him. Why am I having these dreams still? Please advise if you have any ideas. I hate my father with every fiber of my being and when he does eventually die, it will be a great relief for me. Can anyone please help or advise me? I just can't fully shake this. He was cruel to me my whole life. The strongest thing I ever got from him in my life, was indifference. Emotional manipulation, control, he would hit me sometimes over stupid things, like that time I trickled a bit of water on the floor, not anything bad or sticky, just water, and it was literally a tiny bit, and he lashed out to try to hit me. What kind of a sick fuck hits their kid like that? I never deserved the way I was treated. I will stop now, sorry for the rant. I have not spoken to that POS in over 10 years and never will. Advise please? What is wrong with my mind?

REPLIES - 

MY RESPONSE TO ONE OF THE COMMENTS - 

confront him? Oh god. The very thought makes me incredibly afraid and anxious. I don't know if he played a part in her death. I do remember the last time I ever saw her, she was angry. She and him were arguing about something. I have no idea what. He should have been there for her. I understand why she did it. I am the same as she was. I have thoughts often of suicide, and how life is worthless and feeling depressed and anxious so often. Self doubt, so many things. He should have been there for her. My mother was always kind to me. Always. She never so much as raised her voice to me. She was a literal angel. So kind. My bastard of a father on the other hand, he was a complete opposite of her. She never hit me, never raised her voice, never made me feel bad in any way ever. She gave so much of her love and time to me always. Always. I would wake up and she would be there, hugging me. Then my father, there was a time I trickled (literally trickled) a bit of water on the floor by accident, and he lashed out to try to hit me. What kind of a sick fuck would do that? It wasn't coke or anything sticky. He would just hit me without hesitation. Abuse me mentally, control, ignore me when I needed help, treat me with indifference. So much. So much. And correct, he never gave me a full story. I didn't even know where she was buried until literally 10 years later when I sought her grave out myself.