Fight For Something (Josh Ramsay Fanfic) (Mature)

Chapter 35 - Go Out With a Bang

Chapter thirty-five - Go Out With a Bang

*Faith pov*
Three days. Three days Ive held on to dear life. I haven't been seeing Josh lately, just in school. I can't go over to his place. Period. That was very clear by Josh and his parents. They said it's just the best, I guess. Don't see how that helps anyone but I can't do anything about it. Sara agreed to look after Josh. 'Look after' as in make sure he's home on time, doesn't go out, keep track of what he's doing, and make sure I'm not over.
Ive talked to Sara too about the whole... Everything. She said I'm being really understandable. I don't think I am but I took that as a compliment... I think. Sherrie has been very calm and understanding though. She's been trying to keep me company, which I don't really want but it's nice to feel loved like that.
Ive been thinking of death and dying. It doesn't seem too bad after I've thought about it for hours on end. My mind is made and I'm just glad it's friday.
Sleeps been shitty. What else is new though? Nothing. I found new razors. I know, I know. I promised Josh but I don't care...
Sherrie drove me to school again on her way to drop Hope off. Josh hasn't been skipping school, surprisingly. I guess he realized he's already in deep deep shit.
Science was like any other day. We talked about the Big Bang Theory. And sadly not the TV show... Do you really want me to describe it to you? Didn't think so. Same as second period. Boring as fuck.
Cody hasn't been showing up to school. But I'm not complaining. Kat's been acting normal. Normal as in giving me glares and ignoring me with her other stupid friends in this stupid school.
If hell is real, I'm living in it.
After throwing all my morning crap in my locker I took myself to find Josh and Matt. I walked out to the back, knowing exactly where they would be; under that tree. I was right. When I walked down the well known path I saw Matt and Josh and they waved like little five year olds. I smiled as I sat between the two of them. Josh kissed my cheek and gave me an apple. This has became a routine, him giving me an apple every day at lunch.
"Gross. Thanks for making me feel like the third wheel guys." Matt said.
"It was nothing!" Josh told him and Matt squinted his eyes at him.
"Ok kids..." I broke them up and took a bite of my apple.
"He started it." Matt mumbled and I laughed.
Things between Matt and Josh haven't been tense like I thought they would. I'm not complaining but I actually thought Josh would hold a grudge against Matt or something. Good for him. I need him to get well.
I finished my apple and threw the core behind a tree. You're welcome squirrels. My phone buzzed in my pocket and I took it out as Josh and Matt talked about... Something. The text message was from Sara.
'Hey there, our mom and dad are going out for date night tomorrow afternoon so if you come over around one you and Josh can hang for a couple hours. Don't worry, I'll go out so you guys have the place to yourselves - Sara'
'That would be great, thank you, I'll be there by two - Faith'
I smiled a little at my phone. Tomorrow might be the last time I see Josh from a while... I'm surprisingly ok with it. Kinda. I know he will find someone else and he will be happy and healthy. I kinda had a feeling this would happen, that Josh and I wouldn't work out in a way. Yes, I love him but the universe wouldn't and will not leave us alone.
I joined in on the conversation and we ended up talking about ham sandwiches... Don't know how or why. Lunch came to an end sadly and we all went to class. The rest of the day was fuzzy and I don't really remember much. I was more tied up in my thoughts. I hate it here; in my thoughts. I wish my brain was blank and clear of everything.
Why me?
The end of the day is the best time of the day. You get to leave.
I threw my shit in my locker and started walking down the hall. Is this the last time I'll be walking through these halls? Is this the last time I'll feel judgment from these people? Most of me is saying I hope so.
Josh hopped beside me and took my fingers between his.
"Y'know, this is the first time I'll ever say that I don't want school to end." I chuckled.
"And why's that?" I asked.
"Sara is riding me ass, I can't even breathe in that house without her asking what I'm doing."
"That's what family does, keep you in line."
"Being 'in line' is stupid." He complained as we walked downstairs to the front foyer. Why do people always linger in the front hall when it's the end of the day? You all complain about school and now you're free to go so just leave.
We pushed through everyone and came outside to more people. Why do people exist? That's the real question.
"How you getting home?" Josh asked as we sat on the small brick ledge.
"Oh, uh, don't know. Maybe I'll annoy Matt for a ride if he has the car."
"Josh, get your ass over here!" Josh and I both looked over to see Sara hanging out the car door with a smile.
"So, that would be my loving sister." Josh explained with a chuckle. He took me by the waist and pulled me in for a quick kiss. "I love you and I'll see you monday." It took me a second to answer.
"Oh, uh, yea, monday." Josh gave me a smile and jogged to Sara's car. She gave me a wave and I waved back with a smile. They drove off and I huffed, keeping my head down as I walked to the parking lot to find Matt. I looked around and found Matt's car. I leaned on the drivers door and waited for about two minutes. A bit too long for me and my thoughts.
"So, just because I have a car you assume I would give you a ride." I turned to see Matt.
"Well, I was going to ask but to sum it up, yea, I want a ride." Matt sighed over dramatically and I smiled, taking that as a yes.
-
Matt drove me home. When I walked through the front door there was a face that I didn't remember. Well, I don't think I met him before... I'm not good with faces. Hope sat with him on the couch and his hand was sitting on the top of her thigh. I'm just going to assume this is Mark. I'm surprised I remembered his name.
Hope looked up and gave me a small smile.
"Hey. Mark this is Faith. Faith, Mark." He's cute, actually. His hair is short in the back, longer in the front with it spiked. His eyes are brown and his jawline is chiseled and sharp with a pretty cute chin. That's a nice chin. They're cute together. I'm just going to assume they're a thing.
"Hey." I said, giving him a smile.
"How's it going?" He asked.
"Oh, it's good." He has manners. So far so good.
"Sherrie at work?"
"Think so." Hope answered.
"Alright, I'll just be upstairs." I took myself upstairs and grabbed my bag along with it. Dragging myself in my room, I dropped my bag and closed my door. I plopped on my bed with a huff. My elbows rested on my legs and my head fell in my hands.
Ugh, god.
I rubbed my eyes.
I sat there for at least half an hour. It was like I froze and my thoughts decided to take over. The thought of death doesn't disturb me. I don't quiver, I don't cry, I don't feel scared, I just accept it. I just accept the fact that no one wants me here, I have no business here and I'm ok with that.
I made myself get up and grab a towel to go get a shower. I made sure the water was hot as hell so it'll melt me away before anything else. My body turned tomato red about a minute after stepping in but I like the feeling, call me weird.
I stepped out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around myself. I heard Hope downstairs with Mark laughing a little bit. I stopped at the top of the stairs. They were play arguing about something, not quite sure what though. But it was cute. I could tell she was happy from the sound of her voice. I'm glad she's happy. Yes, she's a happy person but I'm glad she's being happy with someone else.
It became quiet then some whispering happened and a giggle so I just tiptoed to my room and got dressed in a long sleeve and sweat pants.
When I came downstairs Mark and Hope were gone. They couldn't have gone far but whatever, don't really care.
I'm a horrible sister.
I went to the kitchen and poured some orange juice in a glass. I put the jug in the fridge and the front door opened. I peaked around the wall and it was Hope with a small smile on her face.
"What's with you two?" I asked as she shut the fridge door. Hope came in the kitchen and sat on the bar stool of the island.
"Whatcha mean?" I glared at her.
"You serious?" I paused. "With you guys acting like that... What's with you two?" I asked again. She shrugged with a big smile now. "He kiss you yet?" Hope glared at me now. "It's just a question." I told her, putting up my hands in defence. She nodded.
"Yes, he did. And, for your information, I'm his girlfriend." Hope told me happily. I gave the 'not bad' face and took a sip from my orange juice. "He's so cute." She mumbled.
"Mhmm." I nodded. "Make sure he treats you right."
"You gave me this speech already." Hope complained.
"I'm just saying." I walked out of the kitchen and saw Sherrie come in the front door. "Hope as a boyfriend." I told her.
"Oh reeally?" She asked in that protective motherly tone. I went upstairs with my juice and left the two of them to talk.
-
I went to be early and once again it was a sleepless night, sobbing and clawing at my arms making them raw and at the point of bleeding. I stayed in bed for a couple hours before actually getting out of bed. That's one thing Josh taught me, is that it's ok to lay in bed for hours. I remember I hated that.
It's twelve now and Sherrie said she can drive me to Josh's so I can see him. She kept asking how I was seeing him when he was on Sara duty but I just told her straight up her parents don't know. She even agreed that was a good idea.
I got out of bed and brushed my hair. I decided to straighten it as well and did a thin line of eyeliner and mascara. I found a black pair of matching underwear and bra. You never know what will go down in an empty house with two teenagers. I put on leggings and a meant-to-be-baggy long sleeve shirt.
Good enough.
I went downstairs and Sherrie was sitting on the couch.
"Ready to go?" She asked.
"Think so, yea." Sherrie and I put on our shoes and headed to her car. She drove me and we passed my old house. We didn't say anything and I looked at the house. There was a little girl and boy, at least eight years old or younger. They were running around on the front lawn in circles, probably playing a game they made up together. I could see the dad working in the garage on something he was making with wood pieces. I kept my head down for a while. At least the house is holding a roof over a loving family.
Sherrie pulled up in Josh's driveway and I saw Sara sitting on the front steps of the house.
"Thanks for driving me over." I said to Sherrie as I got out of the car.
"No problem, hun. Need me to pick you up?"
"Uh, sure. I'll text you to let you know when."
"Alright." She gave me a smile and I smiled back as I shut the car door. Sara smiled as I walked up to her and she stood, giving me a hug.
"How've you been?" She asked, letting me go.
"Uh, pretty good, nothing new." Sara smiled.
"Josh is downstairs in his room and I didn't tell him you were coming either, but I'll be back in three hours at four and our parents are coming home at five."
"Thank you for doing this Sara, means a lot." I told her.
"Oh, no problem, he's bored out of his mind down there so at least you can keep him company." Sara went down the stone steps. "I'll see you guys later." I gave her a smile and walked in the house, closing the door behind me. I kicked off my shoes and heard some Blink-182 playing downstairs. I smiled as I walked downstairs and leaned against the wall. Josh was singing along to Rock Show and throwing a shirt over his head and pulling it over his torso.
Scare him?
Scare him.
He started playing air guitar as he turned around and I ran over to him, screaming and jumping on him and wrapping my arms around his neck and my legs around his back. Josh squealed as he trembled back.
"Holy fucking shit, my heart hurts." I smiled and gave him a kiss and he looked at me, not impressed. "I don't like you right now." Josh dropped me to the floor.
"That's ok." I whispered back, pressing my lips on his again.
"What're you doing here anyways? My parents would kill me if they find you here."
"And that's why they're never going to find out." Josh smirked.
"I'm impressed." I smiled and nodded, kissing him again.
"How's it here?" I asked, sitting on the edge of his bed.
"Horrible. I just feel miserable and I think my parents want to kill me."
"No, they just love you and want you to be ok, that's all." He chuckled.
"Naa. I told them they could just leave me alone and I could show them that I can get better by myself. They can't just send me away." Josh told me.
"Uh, yea they can. Do you not get that they care about you?" I asked in a tone that I didn't mean to use.
"I can take care of myself, Faith. I would be fine." He talked with his hands now.
"No!" I snapped, standing up. "You can't and you aren't taking care of yourself! This is your parents saying that they love you. I love you but this is you being just a plain ass!" I pushed his chest. "God, I hate you! Just get healthy! Be normal and maybe live until you're old!" Josh stared at me, emotionless and not angry but I glared at him. "You're so fucking stupid." I mumbled. "Do you not think of others? We care as m-" Josh wrapped his hand around the back of my neck and pulled me to his lips. He kissed me but I pushed him off.
"No. You need to listen. You need to get your shit together because we all care about you. Your family is doing this for you. I'm doing this for you! And you should be thankful for your family because I know I would be!" Josh nodded slightly. "I don't give a single fuck if you think you can do this by yourself. The point is your doing this now and not later." I shook my head, starting to get emotional. Somewhere deep down I knew I shouldn't have came here. "I think I should go." I mumbled, walking past Josh. This is enough for me.
Josh took my wrist and pulled me back and I glared at him.
"What? What do you want to say to me?" I snapped, snatched my wrist away.
"I'm sorry."
"Why is 'I'm sorry' thrown around today like it's nothing? No one actually means it anymore."
"I mean it, Faith."
"Do you? Because 'I'm sorry' has been coming out of your mouth a lot lately." I told him and he stared at me.
"Are you saying I don't care? I don't mean it? Because I do with all my heart- with all my fucking body! You can't just say something like that."
"No, you know what? I can because that's how I feel! I'm scared Josh. You're scaring me. You keep secrets from me and it feels like I'm just waiting for another surprise to come out of your mouth." I realized I was starting to cry so I wiped my face. "I'm leaving and if you fucking come after me..." I trailed off, staring at him, still standing there emotionless. "Just please don't." He nodded. "I love you." I mumbled walking past Josh and upstairs.
Well, there goes fucking everything. There goes the 'happy' moment I wanted to have with Josh.
Before I left I stood there at the front door and just thought for a minute. I can go downstairs, apologize, make things better, have an emotional take and just make up or leave and this will be the last memory Josh has of me.
For some reason, my body left and hoped down the stone steps.
I ruined everything. Oh, this is great. Just peachy shit.