You Sunshine, You Temptress (l.s)

Never Enough

Trigger Warning: {***} Means triggering scene, and it also means the end of triggering scene. This chapter has acts of self-harm. Please skip the scene if you're sensitive to this. I love you

Chapter 15

Harry

"I swear Harry, you just don't know how to act" Dinner with Louis and his family was pretty rough, and I was glad that it was over. My talk with Louis showed me a new side of him and even though we agreed to be friends, I don't think I can fully trust him yet. I don't think I know how. 

"I specifically told you before we left the house, to just be on your best behavior. Is that so hard? You think I enjoyed my friend seeing my 16-year-old son act like a child?" We were on our way home from dinner, and as usual, my mum was giving me an ear-full.

"You sat there with your hands over your ears like a child. The actual children were looking at you as if you were crazy. You show up in some random jumper that you got from god-knows-where, and then you act like some defenseless child?" The venom that laced her words was enough to make chills raise on my clothed arms. 

"Harry Edward Styles when I talk to you, I expect an answer" She orders.

"I was scared" My voice can barely be heard in the small car, which only pisses her off more. My mum doesn't like it when I speak softly, she says I need to be more aggressive. 

"Of course you were, you're always scared. People can't even ask you a simple question without you cowering away like a scared little puppy" She rants as she parks the car into the small driveway. "Just get out of the car, Harry. I picked up a late shift. I'll see you in the morning" 

I didn't hesitate to exit the car, rushing up the porch steps and shoving the key in the slot, my shaky hands making the simple task, difficult. As soon as I close the door behind me, I collapse. I'm too sensitive, I'm too soft-spoken, too scared. Everything I am is either too much or too little. I'm not enough to make my mum happy, and I wasn't enough to make my father stick around. I'm not aggressive enough, and I'm too sensitive for my own good. It's never a balance, it's always too much or too little. 

{***}

With tears clouding my vision, I roll the long sleeves of Louis's sweater up my arms.  I turn my arm over and eye the fresh cuts on my wrist from two days ago. I'm getting used to the feeling again, but I can't tell if that's good or not. With my small hands shaking in fear, I drag my nails down my pale arms, clawing at the scars and reopening them. "Ahh" I wince out, drawing in a quick breath as I continue to reopen all of the cuts, blood beginning to trickle down my skin. 

{***} End of scene

The sobs bubbling beneath my surface is making my body heave with distraught. I can't breathe, nor can I think. The only thing running through my mind is never being enough. Never being enough to make people love me, let alone stick around. I'm incapable of it. 

I must've laid there for hours, sobbing into the sleeves of the jacket. My head aches from the pressure of crying. The blood stains my arms, as do the tears on my cheeks. Somewhere between softly knocking my head against the hardwood, and repeating "Never enough" to myself like a mantra, sleep took over.

---

The pounding sound coming from behind the door stirs me from my sleep. I'm still on my living room floor, my back pushed up against the front door. "Harry? Are you there? I think the door's stuck" My mother calls out, still fumbling with the knob and pushing.