Getting Lost on the Roads of Life - a KakaSaku Story [CONCLUDED]

The Curse Mark of the Ōtsutsuki Clan

"Son, I want to hear your opinion. What is worse: Guilt or death?"

Kakashi chewed his food very slowly to buy himself some time, keeping his eyes on a bit of sauce that was sluggishly snaking its way down from the elevated parts of his plate towards the middle section. He very much wanted to impress his father with a clever answer, but was at a loss for how to accomplish that.

Wasn't it all too obvious that the reply was 'death'?

Kakashi picked up another dumpling and put it into his mouth. His father hadn't touched his plate at all, he realized with a sinking feeling, was the food he had prepared for dinner not to his liking? Was the dough too chewy? Was the filling too salty? And the shapes... he needed to practice heaps more to be able to wrap the gyoza more prettily.

He looked into his father's somber face for clues and felt a rush of affection when the dark, tired eyes crinkled into a smile. After dinner and doing the dishes, he would climb up onto his lap, cuddle himself to his chest and listen to his his favorite shinobi stories, his father's heartbeat at his ear.

"Tō-san," Kakashi said, "how can guilt even be compared to death? There are small guilts and big guilts, but they can all be overcome, no? But death.... death is final and it takes away everything, even the opportunity to forgive and be forgiven."

His father contemplated his answer, then nodded slowly. But he didn't look impressed. Nor convinced.

"But I know that we need to overcome fear of death," Kakashi added quickly, "a good Shinobi fears nothing and will not hesitate to sacrifice his life for his village. So, maybe... death means nothing...?"

His father's nod slowed down and stopped entirely.

"Kakashi," Sakumo said with a sad smile. "You make me proud every single day. You're such a smart, talented boy."

Kakashi's heart swelled happily.

"Tō-san," he said eagerly to prove his father right, "I can throw 93 shuriken in one minute!"

"Oho!" Sakumo laughed, "93?"

"I dropped the 94th," Kakashi admitted. "But tomorrow, I will make it to 100, I promise!"

"93 is perfect," Sakumo smiled. "It's divisible by three, my favorite number."

That was true, Kakashi confirmed by running quickly through the row of three in his head. "Three? Why three, father?"

"It's the number of genins in a squad. The very foundation on which every Shinobi stands."

"Ahh!" Kakashi's head bobbed up and down in excitement.

To finally be a genin! He was confident he'd graduate soon, but he had not told his dad about it, it would be such a surprise for him! - and for weeks, he had been curious to know who his teammates were gonna be. He couldn't wait to go on missions! And who would be his Sensei? He hoped for a very, very strong one.

"Death...," his father interrupted his thoughts, "is the much easier choice than guilt."

How... how was death easier?! Nonplussed, Kakashi stared at his parent. Was this the Shinobi mindset he tried so hard to acquire himself? Wasn't death the thing that stifled laughter in the village, that drew lines onto the faces of the adults, that made them plunge into endless silences when you asked them certain questions?

Death and war... it was one and the same to him. He knew nothing else, but he wanted something very different, something he didn't know what to call but yearned for very much.