Love Me Back // Elmax Fanfiction

Chapter 19 ~ Spinning

TW: SELF HARM

It's been about a week since the ordeal at the movies. I'm meeting Lucas at the local diner today; I plan on breaking up with him. Of course I wouldn't want to make a scene, but I don't know how to better do it. I guess I've broken up with him before, now that I think about it, but this time it's because I want to be with Eleven.
     I don't know whether or not I'll tell him that I'm gay.
     I guess we'll see.
     In case you're wondering, no, El still hasn't broken up with Mike. Neither of us have spoken to him all week, but they still haven't officially broken up.
Ready for the painful lunch, I walk out my front door, not bothering to tell anybody where I was going, and hop on my skateboard. I swerve a bit in the street, finding it more entertaining then just going straight. I'm suddenly reminded of the time that Billy nearly ran the boys over. Anger and sadness swirl through me, but I quickly dismiss it, trying to focus on something else. I couldn't throw a whole fit when I was literally on my way to break up with my boyfriend.
     Eventually I arrive at the diner and sit down at a booth, seeing as Lucas hadn't yet arrived. I didn't want to be late and make him wait, all for me to break up with him, so I decided to leave a bit earlier then I usually would.
     He, too, must've had a similar idea, because he strolls into the diner with a ding of the bell. "Lucas!" I call him over, seeing his face light up at seeing me, but falter for a split second. I assume it's because I got here before him.
     "Hey, Max," he attempts to sound flirty, making me cringe. "Sorry I'm late."
     "It's fine, I was early," I replied, trying not to sound too nice or too mean. Yeesh, breaking up for real is hard.
     He begins rambling about something, as he does. I became so focused on when and how I would break up with him that I stopped paying attention to what he was saying altogether. Thank god for his obliviousness. I was playing out scenarios in my head, and trying to decide what exactly to say to soften the blow.   Why was I making such a big deal out of this? I've done it before.
     "I'm gay, I mean what else am I supposed to say? I'm literally gay."
     "Wait, hold on. You're gay? What?" Fuck, did I actually just say that out loud?
     God, I'm pathetic. "I- uh- yeah," I stuttered. Wow. All of that mental work and planning to think out loud. "I.. we should break up," I concluded.
     "How long have you known?" He questioned me, sounding a bit tense.
     "Ummmmm," I held out, thinking. Let's see.. it's early March now, so... "Maybe six months?"
     "So you're telling me," he began, his anger growing in the same way that Neil's would, "that you've been using me and playing with my emotions for six whole months?! Six months, Max? Are you fucking kidding me?"
     I scooted back against the booth, instinctively trying to disappear, tears beginning to well up in my eyes. "No, Lucas, I never meant to, I just didn't know for sure and I thought maybe I could change or I was just confused-"
     "You know what?" He cut me off, his voice sharp enough to slit my wrists for me. "You know what, Max? I don't wanna hear it. I don't wanna fucking hear it!" He practically shouted his last sentence, drawing attention from multiple tables nearby. "And don't call me on the walkies, don't call my house, don't come over. I don't wanna hear it, you fucking dyke," He whispered the the last line, so at least he was sort of thinking about me in all this mess. It still cut just as deep. "Party's over, motherfuckers!" He yells as he storms out.
     I stand at the side of the booth, watching him go. People continue to stare at me. I choke back tears and make a beeline for the exit, flipping everybody off with a final glance, and slamming the door behind me.
     I hop easily onto my skateboard and get a boost of speed from the aggression I used to push off the sidewalk. I wanted badly to head to El's house, but I remembered that she was at Mike's today. This further filled me with rage, and I got home in record time.
     I felt a strong urge to break something, anything, so I rummaged through the shed in our backyard until I found a baseball bat. I used to play softball; it was my old bat. I didn't know what I wanted to hit with it, but I knew I wanted to hit something.
     Suddenly, I remembered that there was a small dead tree a little ways back into the forestry of our backyard. I hopped our small, white-picket fence and searched for it for less then a minute before stumbling upon it. I walked towards it, letting my anger build. I circled the tree, searching for a low, easily-hit-able branch. When I found one, I let out a scream and swung my bat into it. It broke off, only hanging onto the tree by a small bit of wood. I took another swing at it, breaking it off this time. I picked it up and slammed it into the tree, causing it to break, wood pieces flying in every direction. I few hit my skin, burning for only a second, but this only fueled my anger. I performed the same with a couple other branches until the sun was setting, and then scurried back to my house, setting the baseball bat at the house's side and climbing in through my window.
     After the whole ordeal, I felt tired. I laid on my bed, breathing a bit heavily.
     My thoughts and I were alone, which was never good. To distract myself, and because I felt like I deserved it, I walked into the bathroom and fished around in the bottom drawer until I found my secret blade. Even though I kept it a secret, I doubt my parents would care anyway. I stripped down to my underwear, revealing my many scars. I sat on the toilet and pressed the blade firmly to my skin. Once I saw a small pool of blood, I pulled the blade along the inside of my thigh. Tears poured out of my eyes at the pain, but that was how I liked it. I deserved every bit of this; I had played with Lucas. The thought made me even more upset with myself, so I pulled the blade back through the wound, wailing. I bit my lip to stop the sound from escaping any more, and repeated the action to my other thigh. I dropped the bloody blade on the counter, my head spinning. I leaned back on the closed toilet, trying to stop myself from passing out. I closed my eyes, breathing slowly, until my head stopped spinning and I could see properly.
     This had happened before, and the first time it did I was terrified, but I was used to it by now. I stood slowly, as not to collapse, and rinsed my blade in the sink. I carefully set it back in my hiding place in the drawer and mopped the blood off the sink and my thighs with toilet paper. After flushing the evidence, I walked back into my room and pulled on a pair of sweats.
I laid in bed and surprisingly fell asleep the minute my head hit the pillow.

Greetings, homosexuals!

Can I just say that my school has been shut down for over a month at least because of Coronavirus? It's insane. Just a couple days ago there were zero reported cases, and now it's doubling by the day. Restaurants and everything are getting shut down and there isn't any toilet paper, hand sanitizer, or anything of the like available at all. On the bright side, maybe they'll cancel the dumb state testing.

Oh, and they're shutting down all restaurants and bars completely. How fun is that? I'm expecting to be locked in my own house sooner or later. Me and my friends have just planned to sue Coronavirus.

I know this chapter was really upsetting. Sorry about that. I hope you'd tell me if I write this poorly as well, because I've only thought about self harm like 3 times and I've never done it. I just don't have a lot of experience with it, so I try but maybe I'm failing lol. Please let me know if I am, because I don't want to misrepresent this kind of stuff and I'd like to be better at writing it. If you have any tips, I'd take those as well. Thanks!

Word Count: 1502

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