Love Me Back // Elmax Fanfiction

Chapter 011 ~ Max?

(possible)TW: SELF HARM(kinda, like yes but not as bad as you're thinking- idk i'm leaving that there)

Max
     It was an accident.
     I didn't mean for it to happen. I didn't mean to say it. It just slipped out.
     Every time the scene crosses my mind, I wish I could punch myself. The closest I can get is digging my fingernails into the palms of my hands, so I do.
     It doesn't help distract me much.
     God, why am I such an idiot?

Earlier That Day
     I was at Eleven's house. It was around noon, and I'd slept over at her house the night before. It's nearly February now, and these stupid feelings still haven't gone away.
     My heart still skipped at her touch or her voice, but other than that, I pretty much just felt numb. El and I hung out less and less; it used to be nearly every day we hung out, and now, of course we talk at school, but outside of that, it's maybe 2 or 3 times a month. El has definitely noticed, as have the boys. The boys have given up on asking me what's up, and I think Eleven is beginning to, too. It kinda makes me feel sad. Has she given up on me?
     But then again, I think I would have given up on myself a long time ago. I'm such a mess. I've just been shutting everybody out. I'm sure it makes everybody, especially El, upset. I'm probably the worst friend to ever exist, so I guess I should just be happy that Eleven tolerates me. She probably hates me. Who wouldn't? I thought. Even I hated myself. Everything I did was plain stupid.
     We were sitting on her bed, talking. Well, she was talking; I was doing my best to listen. I didn't hate El, so I absolutely hated the way I treated her, but for some reason my brain doesn't agree with the rest of me. Every time I want to say something to El, it's as if my mouth has other plans.
     Maybe it's because my mouth knows how dumb my brain is.
     "Max?" Eleven says suddenly, snapping me out of my trance. My body floods with guilt as I look into her sweet, hurt eyes.
     "Um, yeah?"
     "Are you even listening to what I'm saying?" She asked solemnly. I would have expected her to be angry, but she just looked sad.
     "I- well-" I stuttered, trying to think of a good way to answer her question. I decide that I'll just tell her I wasn't listening, but when I open my mouth to speak, nothing comes out. I felt my eyes stinging, so instead I just look down at El's covers, playing with a loose string, and shake my head. I feel a few rebellious tears escape from my eyes. Damnit, I thought.
     I hear her sniffle. Is she crying? I look up, concerned for the girl I love so much. She's looking down, just like I had been. My hand begins to reach up to her face, but I quickly pull it away. What was I even thinking? "I'm sorry El, I just..." I trailed off, not sure how to finish my thought. She mumbled something I couldn't quite make out. "What?" I questioned her softly, maybe afraid that she might break if I used any other tone. I sat there for a moment, awaiting her response.
"What did I do wrong?" She finally managed to choke out without bursting into tears. I was baffled. She thought she did something wrong? Because of how I'd been acting? Because of how I treated her? My heart sank into the depths of the darkest water. I didn't even think to believe that she would think everything is her fault. Although, I guess I'm sort of biased, because as far as I'm concerned, nearly everything is my fault.
     "Oh, El, you didn't do anything," I sputtered, digging my nails into my palms. It had become a regular thing I did to punish myself, when I couldn't cut, of course. "You've been nothing short of an angel, I just... I mean-" Why couldn't my brain get the words I wanted to say out?? "It's because I'm in love with you, okay?! I don't know what to do about it, and I hate myself for it, but I just can't help it!" I nearly screamed. Ok, so that definitely wasn't what I was planning on saying. She immediately looked up, our eyes locking. Tears began to spill out of my eyes, and I stood, getting ready to bolt for the door. Fuck, why did I say that? I'm such a retard! I dig my nails farther into one of my palms and use the other hand to clasp down on it, causing my weak form of self-harm to be a lot more painful. Slinging my bag over my shoulder, I stormed out of Eleven's room and through her front door.
     I hopped on my skateboard and angrily skated down the street, tears streaming down my face. I didn't even care at this point. Why do I have to be such a worthless dyke? Why me?
     I hit a crack, having not been paying attention to where I was going, and completely ate the pavement. That's when I snapped. I was so angry with everybody else and the world and myself that I took my skateboard and broke it in half with me knee. It hurt a lot, but it also felt surprisingly... good. My veins still coursing with adrenaline, I took the skateboard I had just destroyed and hurled it into the woods. "Fucking piece of shit!" I yelled, not really talking to the skateboard. I was yelling at myself. There were so many tears that it blurred my vision. Good, I thought. Maybe I'll trip again.
     Suddenly in anguish, I let out a short, angry scream, putting my hands up to my head to yank out some of my hair. I bolted home, stumbling from the lack of vision. Somehow, I managed to stay up the entire way there. I climbed up the side of my house and nearly broke my window frame with how rough I was with it. Finally getting it open, I burst inside if my room and broke into tears. I curled up in a ball on the cold, wooden floor in the corner of my room; I didn't deserve to be comfortable in a bed.
     I cried until I felt empty of everything. I let out loud, painful sobs, unable to control myself. "Shut up!" I heard Neil yell from downstairs. I let out another scream in absolute agony. The scream dragged out into another sob. I banged my fist on my wall, causing my knuckles to bruise up. Does nobody in this world care about me? A mixture of snot and tears ran down my face, and the constant wiping of it was starting to make my face sting, almost as if it were becoming chapped. My shirt and sleeves were soaked through. I let out a few more screams, sobbing in between each one. I could barely breathe. Maybe I'll just stop completely, I thought. I gasped for air anyway, unable to control my urges. My throat stung with immense pain, strained as I laid there, screaming and sobbing. It was clogged up with flem, causing me to cough and just gasp more for air. I continued crying until my sobs sounded like whispers. My voice sounded as if I gargled gravel every morning after I brushed my teeth.
     My face felt dried out and was permanently stained with tears and snot. My shirt was crusting and latching to my skin, and my hair was sticking all over my face. My knuckles were nearly black from the amount of times I had punched the wall, and I had miraculously managed to cut my hands with my nails. My eyes were probably so blood-shot that my bones were desperately trying to create more blood for the rest of my body. My face was most likely almost just as red, but I knew that there was probably snot and spit crusted below my nose and around my mouth. My cheeks probably appeared flaky from all the tears having dried them out. As I looked down at my hands, darkly discolored and painted with blood, at my shirt, stained a different shade of red and crusted, and as I imagined what my hideous face looked like, I had only two thoughts:
     Stupid.
     Worthless.

sorry to make you wait! I've been busier than I expected to be and I've had a bit of writers block :/

Word Count: 1467

~eight(who still ships Elmax despite all these depressing chapters)