Sex Is Just A Word - #1 UNEDITED

Chapter Eighteen - St Christopher's Orphanage

***

'Dear Blake you were and always will be the brother I should have never had. I still don't know if I deserved to have you in my life but what I do know is mum and dad saved me once and you saved me again. I would have never survived that orphanage without you and I can never repay any of you but I will do whatever it takes to keep you all safe and free to live your lives happily. Not constantly looking over your shoulder and always concerned for me. Please forgive me for doing this but I can't stand to be here anymore.

New York was a mistake, and I know if I discussed leaving with you, you'd simply stop me or follow me and I can't do that to you. You have a new life here, a career and I've gotten to see a passionate side of you that's mature and responsible. You'll always be in my and Pip's thoughts because I will always tell him or her about you! My baby will know and love uncle just as I do.

I love you big brother'

I folded the paper in half and slid it into the envelope labeled Blake before reaching for another piece of paper.

'Dear mum and dad, I'm sorry it took me so long to call you what you deserved to be called. You are and always will be my parents, my family. Sometimes I wonder if I was a saint in my previous life because how else could of I ever been given the both of you. I couldn't imagine life without you. In fact I wouldn't be here without you, you gave me life in a sense when you saved me sixteen years ago and that makes you my parents regardless of blood or surname. Our bond runs deeper and I will never forget that nor will I let my child forget it.

I know you might not understand my decision for leaving but it's for the best. Maybe I was simply always meant to be alone but I'm glad I was given the chance to be a part of your lives, memories of both of you and Blake will always be some of my most cherished memories and the stories that I tell my son or daughter.

I love you mum and dad, words can't even describe how grateful I am to both of you and how much you all mean to me'

I folded the second piece of paper through fogged eyes. Warm tears covered my cheeks and began to create a small pool on the table which I wiped with the sleeves of my jumper. There was so much that I wanted to say, to so many people but I had no time. I picked up the last piece of paper and took a deep breath, praying for strength to write this letter because I already knew it would be by far the most painful one.

'Dear Aaron you may have guessed this already from the several conversations or arguments we've had over the last three months or maybe you've read it in my eyes when I look at you, when you touch me, when I kiss you or when I'm just close to you. But if you haven't I want you to know, I love you Mr. Arrogant, I knew I would from the first day I met you. I love you and I probably always will. Before I say goodbye I want to say thank you, I can't really explain it but what you made me feel is something I've never felt with anyone else. I'd never given my heart to anyone else until I met you. Now it's yours. You gave me something too, a child, a child that will call me their family.

For me that's the greatest gift anybody could give, ever since my parents died and I became a target, a reject at the orphanage I prayed for the perfect family. Beth, Blake and Richi were close but there was always something, someone missing. It was the man that I love and the child that is half him and half me. I will always have a part of you with me and I'm thankful for that but me being here, so close to you and yet so far from you is unbearable. I'm losing myself, forgetting who I was and what I wanted from life because I'm slowly dying.

It kills me to be apart from you and it kills me more to know that you don't nor will you ever feel the way I do for you for me. I maybe leaving because of you but I am also leaving for you, I don't know how things got like this and I can see that you're hurting. I hurt you and I can no longer stand that so it's better for both of us if I leave. I would tell you where I'm going but I know my Mr. Arrogant too well to make that mistake, you would find me...