Breathe

seventeen

Once Conan and I were back, he disappeared in his house, appearing to be lost in his own thoughts. I couldn't say so for myself, because internally, I was freaking out.

The walk to Gill's house was short, the sound of her ringing doorbell distant, and when she finally appeared in front of me, I felt like passing out.

"Woah, you look like a ghost," she stated. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming? We're eating."

"Sorry." My voice was trembling, and I had lost all control over it. Gill narrowed her eyes as she studied my face.

"Did something happen?"

"I kissed Conan."

Her eyes widened in an instant, and I barely realized how she gripped my shirt and pulled me inside, closing the door behind me. She said a quick excuse to her family, not letting them see me before pulling me into her own room where she locked the door, just to be safe.

"What the fuck, Kiri."

"Don't freak out, I'm already doing that."

"How even? I mean- just how?" Gill was running her hands through her hair, as if she was the one ruining things even more.

"I don't know, we were talking about the future, and then it just happened!"

"The future?" Her eyes widened. "Don't tell me you're fucking dating."

"No!" I blurted out before forcing myself to calm down a little. "No, we're not dating."

Gill grit her teeth as she started to pace around her room. "Keep it together, for fuck's sake! You need Ash, and even if you didn't, everyone would be better than Conan."

I frowned. "You don't know that."

"I obviously know a whole lot more than you," she contradicted, her voice sharp. "You can't just run around kissing boys while moping about how tragic your situation with Ash is. Do you even know what you're doing?"

I rolled my eyes, my panic slowly shifting to irritation. "No, I don't fucking know what I'm doing. I don't even know what I want."

Gill glanced at me from the side. "You sure about that?"

"Yes?"

"Well, do you want to kiss Conan again?"

"I don't know," I sighed, thinking about her words. What had been going through my mind during that kiss wasn't what I was thinking about now. It had been a bunch of lies and wishes, twisted realities that could never be true. "No."

"Would you like it if Asher came through that door right now?" Gill proceeded to ask. I frowned at her, shaking my head as I repeated my previous answer.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because he deserves better. All I do is fuck up."

Gill tilted her head, finally coming to a halt. "Besides from what you think he deserves, would you like to be with him right now?"

Again, I hesitated. I was clueless, irritated, so fucking tired. Asher always seemed to know what he was doing. He was calculated, and wise. He would know what to do. He would know how to calm me down.

"Yes."

"Then why are you here?"

I looked up at Gill who just shrugged, shooting her a look of disbelief. "I can't just go to him."

"Well, you have legs."

"He wouldn't want to see me."

"Says you. We both just decided that your thoughts are twisted, so."