Breathe

eighteen

ASHER'S POV

"I still see you."

Because even now, after all that shit that we had gone through, that Kiri had made me go through, being right here, doing right this was enough to finally make me feel at peace.

A few seconds passed until Kiri moved, drying a few left tears on his cheeks with his hand. He looked up at me when I let go of him and took a step back.

"I just wanna try and be better for you, if you just let me," he mumbled, his voice still hoarse and shaky. I grit my teeth, studying his face as I thought about his words.

He was a mess, a crying, tired mess, and I felt sorry for him. But so had I been a few months ago, and he hadn't been here to feel sorry for me.

Who said it wouldn't just be the same story all over again?

"I can't," I replied, and he bit his lip. "We agreed that we shouldn't."

"I never agreed to shit," he replied quietly, lowering his gaze. I suppressed a sigh, as well as the urge to just take a step forward and pull him into another hug. I wanted it, yes, but it was wrong. I couldn't trust Kiri.

"It's better like this," I said quietly. "You'll feel better once you realize that."

He rolled his eyes, a movement that once made me smile like an idiot. Now, the familiarity just hurt.

My shoulders tensed up when my thoughts travelled back to Conan. The reckless idiot that didn't even care about Kiri's health when he reeled him in with cigarettes. A fucking addict, and if Kiri didn't snap out of it soon, it wouldn't be long until he'd join the club.

But I didn't have anything to say about it anymore. I wanted to, but I knew I shouldn't, so I took another step back, further away from Kiri.

"So what now?" he asked, still not looking up at me. I bit my lip, knowing that what I was about to say was the direct opposite of what I really wanted. But it was better like this. We were better like this.

"Go home, Kiri."

He swallowed, hard, before giving in with a nod. "Okay."

I forced myself to turn around and open the door. He quietly followed me, not sharing what was going on in his head even though I was burning to know his thoughts. I hated that I still cared.

We just looked at each other as a goodbye, and he quickly turned around and walked through my garden to the street. I closed the door with a tired sigh.

Maybe, he just shouldn't have come back. Maybe we'd be over each other by now if he hadn't.

When I came back to the kitchen, mom looked at me with worry in her eyes.

"Did you get into an argument?"

I sat down at the table with a sigh. "Our whole relationship is one huge argument at this point."

She hesitated, not really knowing what to say or do, so I forced a smile. "It's fine. We don't need to talk about it."

"Are you sure? Because if you want to, you know, I have ears and life experience."

I shook my head, still smiling. No, I didn't need to talk about Kiri with mom. All the experience she had was from the man who had left her years ago, and who she had never really gotten over.

Also, we had never talked about relationships before, so I saved us both the embarrassment and kept my mouth shut.

There wasn't much to talk about anymore, anyway. Kiri and I shouldn't be together, end of story. It was better like this.

I just didn't want to get hurt again.

The mood for tonight was kind of ruined, even though mom tried to keep the smiles up, so I played along. We didn't see each other much during the day, so these dinners were kind of important.

When I woke up the next day she had already left for work, so I made myself a cup of coffee and sat down at the table alone. I was tired from thinking all night.

On one hand, there was Kiri who felt even more lost, who couldn't find his place in the world, who had no clue what to do with his life.

On the other hand, there was my sanity, my safety, the reassurance that as long as I stayed away from him, I couldn't get hurt again.

I just couldn't decide if the latter really outweighed the first.

After my second cup I got ready for the day, showing up at the supermarket about twenty minutes later. My first few customers were adults, buying bread to enjoy breakfast with their families since it was Sunday and most of them didn't have to work. Lucky them.

I was about three hours into my shift when a boy came to the cash register, placing a bag filled with bread and a pack of milk on the counter. My eyes narrowed as they fell on Conan.

"Woah. Hi," he greeted, slowly pulling his lips into a smirk. "Right. Kiri mentioned you work here."

Instead of replying, I started scanning his groceries. He looked around the store, humming a tune I didn't know, not nearly as annoyed by the situation as me.

"Hey, and a pack of those," he said, nodding at the cigarettes behind me. As I grabbed a pack, my movements stiff and my expression a neat scowl, he reached for a pack of condoms next to him.

When I met his gaze again, his smirk had turned even uglier. "Kiri's coming over later. You know."

My whole body tensed up, but I forced myself to take the condoms and scan them as well, right along with the cigarettes. I didn't care, I didn't care, I didn't care.

I said the price through gritted teeth, hating that I couldn't relax any of the muscles in my body, and Conan handed me his cash while still wearing this self-satisfied grin. He took his time collecting the stuff he had just bought, and I contemplated just disappearing in the storeroom to wait there for him to leave.

But, I stayed. I didn't need to hide from Conan.

"Don't you like, need to wish me a good day or anything?" he asked, trying to sound oblivious. "What a rude service."

"I don't have anything to say to you," I replied through gritted teeth, my eyes not leaving his. He raised a brow, not really bothered by my words.

"Okay then. I know that I am going to have a great time." He briefly shook the pack of condoms before letting them disappear in his pocket, still smirking. "See you around, Asher."

The way he said my name made me want to just jump over the counter and beat the fucking smirk off of his face.

When he finally left, I slumped into the chair behind me, at last feeling my muscles relax. I didn't want to think about Conan and Kiri together. I didn't want to believe it was true. I didn't want to care.

But I did. I cared so fucking much it made me sick to my stomach.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, and relieved about the distraction, I pulled it out. A text from Gill, asking us if we wanted to come to some kid's party tonight.

Getting mindlessly drunk with kids I didn't care about would give me a break from these tiring thoughts, so I agreed, telling her that I would come over at nine.

Hopefully, I'd never have to see Conan again. And hopefully, Kiri would realize that Conan wasn't a proper replacement.

Because that's all Conan could ever be. He wouldn't ever really understand Kiri. He wouldn't understand his moodiness, or his tendency to constantly be involved in drama, or his problem with silence.

He could never be me. And that was enough to make me crack the faintest smile as I went on with my day.