Breathe

eleven

The world was spinning as I tumbled down the street, barely seeing my own feet from how dark it was. The people in the houses around me had already gone to sleep, leaving the few street lamps to be my only source of light as I made my way home.

Home. What even. It was just Michael's house, a place I stayed in for a while, nothing permanent. Nothing secure.

But mom's apartment didn't feel like home either, just like Ruby's place didn't, so, could I really be sure about what a home was?

I stopped on the street, now having reached Michael's place. I should just cross the neat garden and go to bed. Sleep and hope that when I woke up, everything would be okay again.

But my head turned towards Conan's house, and I barely noticed how I started walking again.

Asher made me feel loved. And now Asher was gone.

I would never get that feeling again.

I found myself in front of Conan's window, the one I had climbed through a few days ago. I raised my hand to knock on the glass, gripping the window sill with my other hand for support.

After our conversation I had gone back inside as well, not joining the others and instead making my way into the kitchen, where all the alcohol was. After that, I couldn't recall much.

Light went on inside, and soon enough, Conan's face appeared on the other side. His brows were furrowed, mixing his surprised expression with light irritation, leaving me to wonder if he even wanted to give me that feeling.

"Yo, you okay?" he asked once he opened the window, his voice lowered. I nodded, managing to smile at him.

"I'm fucking great, man." A brief pause, and my grip around the window-sill tightened. "Can I come in?"

He sighed, but helped me climb through the window. He was only wearing his underwear as he turned to me, his arms crossed.

"Did I wake you up?"

"No, I was waiting for you to show up in the middle of the night," he replied, shaking his head. "Why did you come here, anyway? You're fucking wasted."

I shrugged, burying my hands in my pockets. "I'm sad."

Conan hesitated, briefly watching me before giving in with a sigh. "Do you maybe wanna stay the night?"

No, I wanted to be with Asher, spend the night with him, be the only one he wanted to look at even though we were in a room full of people. I wanted to laugh with him and hold his hand and not fucking feel like crying anymore.

The worst thing was, I couldn't cry. I just couldn't bring myself to.

So I nodded and let myself fall on Conan's messy bed, not even thinking twice about it. Asher was gone, he hated me, and I couldn't change anything about it. The love was gone, and now, it was just me again.

Fuck that.

"Yo, you gotta take those off first," Conan said, already kneeling down to remove my shoes. I let him, my gaze fixed on the ceiling.

"Why?"

"Because you'll make my fucking bed dirty, that's why."

My forehead turned to a frown. "Why do I fuck everything up?"

Conan sighed, tossing my now removed shoes to the side and standing up again. "We do things, we mess up, we hurt people. It's normal, so get over it." He pointed at my shirt. "Your clothes smell, so if you wanna stay, you take them off as well."