My Nonexistent Love Story/Skinny Love

#24: don't torture me

Pictures on the side represent Caro's thoughts during the day. As something happened to my previous slide show to this chapter, I was too lazy to rearrange the photos.

***

Ouch.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea, after all.

I looked at my bloody finger joints and then at the beautiful mirror, which hardly 5 minutes ago decorated the loft above my washstand in the bathroom.

I didn't feel pain anymore. Mental was gone for a moment, so the brain could focus on physical pain. However, I did feel very little of that 'cause .. I was enured in that case.

Don't think I had been cutting myself or anything. I just have this very stupid habit to get stuck everywhere. For example, touch corners slightly and fall .. I'm such a wuss.

I'm dangerous to myself, I came to a conclusion. I may not be alone for any longer. I need .. Chantal.

***

"A message?"

"I can't,"

"Why?"

"I don't know.. Actually, I don't know what to write. 'Cause I know how he will react. And I virtually can't send a send day before as I don't know what will happen the next,"

"Yeah. Talk to him in MSN then. And watch weather forecast,"

"He's not here again! I can't understand how he can not to give a fuck when he knows someone likes him. And I can bet he'll appear at night,"

"But you gotta make an agreement when you meet! It would be better if it was made in MSN,"

"And if I won't be in when he is?"

"Be here at half 12. He may be available then. You know it better than me,"

"Right..."

"I'll be here then, too,"

"Thanks :) It's just .. when you'd called and told me he's available .. like he hadn't come in on purpose,"

"It's .. possible. I was even thinking about saying, "dude, you can't avoid her forever" But wasn't sure, so didn't make any relevant remark."

"If he keeps doing it, please make... He doesn't know anything. He thinks it's easy to forget what's been happening for 1,5 years."

"You know .. generally, I think you should leave it behind. It was fun, but it's time to move forward."

Really, Chantal? Even you? "But I can't just forget it all..."

"Ofc you can't. I know what are you feeling. But you need some activity,"

"-.-"

***

After a couple of hours

"I hate..."

"What?"

"His behaviour"

"What he did again?"

"Doesn't appear. Everyone's here, everyone. And you keep asking why won't I message him."

"He's watching football,"

"How would you know?"

"Because it's on :D Brazil-Ivory Coast. 1-0 is now,"

I tilted my head tiredly. You're really thinking it's funny? Really, Chan? "And what has he been doing for the whole day? For the whole year, there wasn't a day he wouldn't be online even just for a moment. And at times he was in for 24/7. And now..."

"Maybe he doesn't want to talk to you... It's possible he's busy. I believe he's watching football. For the whole day .. did it, too :D You need to talk to him. I just hope he's not that coward he's afraid of talking to you,"

We'll never know... "I NEED to talk to him. And he knows it,"

"You do,"

"I want to think so much it wouldn't matter to me if he tells me he doesn't want me. But it's not true,"

"You really need to talk,"

"You don't say? I was just thinking that when we has been talking for the whole year, I thought, he's so good person and stuff. And now..."

"He is. Maybe he just tries to postpone it,"

"What does he gets from it?"

"Nothing."

"I don't understand. When you like or don't like someone, you should tell him/her as fast as possible. 'Specially when you know he/she likes you, too."

"Mm .. I don't know. You know, boys are really cowardly. Maybe he doesn't have enough courage?"

"Yes. But why would I put so much effort on trying to meet him then?"

"Football's over. And he's not here. Asshole. Not sure anymore if he does not read our convos. I'll appear online for some time, maybe it'll help?"

"Let's see,"

But he doesn't appear.

"Probably not. Dork. Jerk. idiot."

"If he does read..."

"Bumpkin. I hope you're not against me clapperclawing him. Blockhead,"

"I gotta do it by myself at times, so I'm not .. anymore,"

"I doubt he's reading it... Otherwise, he would've reacted. Asshole. Jerk. Selfish idiot. World's biggest PIG. Pig. Donkey. Camel. Bear. Polar bear. Desert fox. Redbreast. Just a horse's ass..."

"And now it seems he's reading my mind and doesn't come in. Or is behind my window as Jacob :D" I actually didn't smile. At all.

"When you finally catch him, stamp him into the ground. Call him and yell for me. He can't escape forever. If it keeps going like this, just call him and you'll talk about things through the phone."

Chantal could cheer me up, though, but inside me .. something happened. Inside me .. my broken being was back. I knew I couldn't bear to be alone any longer.

"Chantal .. are you very busy right now?"

"Um .. no? Why?"

"I'm not feeling good..."

"What happened?!"

"It is said you can't die because of broken heart, but ahhhh..." And then flaked off.

***

Chantal

"Caro? Caroline? It's not funny! CAROLINE!"

Fuck, fuck, fuck, it can't be possible!

I turned on chair, quick as lightning, and grabbed my phone to call Caro. It kept calling, but no one answered.

Fuck, I think she fainted.

I grabbed the first jacket that was in my reach and stormed out of house, dialing Cassie's number on my way: "C, we've got an emergency, storm to Caro's,"

Happily, she didn't ask anything.