Dare || m.c.

➵ 3.0 - michael

this chapter might be a little triggering for some people please skip the part if it makes you uncomfortable. apologies for any tears

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Michael knew he was falling back into his old lifestyle, the one that he didn't choose, the one that still haunted him sometimes in his dreams. He knew he was shutting people out. He knew he was going back to that dark place that almost drowned him. It happened once and now it was happening again. The only difference was, this time it was voluntary. When it happened before, Michael had no idea how to stop it. Now, he knew what happening and he didn't care. He wanted it to happen. If it got bad enough, then it wouldn't matter anymore. Not really. Jade didn't give a shit about him and that was enough to convince Michael that there was no point in trying.

He knew Luke and Calum were getting tired of his attitude. They'd stopped practicing because Michael was being a moody shit and also because Ashton refused to come. He wasn't happy about what had happened with Jade and blamed it all on Michael. And Luke and Calum sympathized with him. They couldn't care less about Michael, but heavens forbid they be rude to Ashton Irwin.

It was Tuesday night and Michael was locked in his room. Again. This had become routine since that day after he saw Jade. He would sit in room, lay on the floor, curl up on the bed and just wallow in self pity. His mom had brought dinner up to his room again and Michael hadn't eaten it again. He knew Karen worried about him, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. He made one stupid mistake and lost the one person he had truly cared about in such a long time. Now she hated Michael and he hated himself.

Jade's words from Thursday came back to him again and twisted that knife in Michael even deeper. "Not only did you hurt my feelings, Michael, you also disrespected me." Michael never meant to hurt Jade, he never meant to disrespect her. Yeah, he knew he fucked up, but still. He was human and humans made mistakes all the damn time. And yes, Michael was aware that he made a big mistake, but that didn't mean that he didn't deserve forgiveness. If only Jade would give him another chance, he would prove to her that he could be a great friend, someone who cared about her and respected her. But she wouldn't. She didn't seem like the kind to give second chances to people, especially not the ones she hated with a burning passion.

And so again, another night passed as Michael drank himself to sleep, crying a little just before he passed out, wishing there was someone he could talk to. The world was oblivious to his breakdown and Michael was falling apart, piece by piece. And the only person who could put him back together before he became an irreparable mess didn't care didn't care at all.

*•*•*

Even though Jade paid no mind to Michael at all at school, he still saw her. In fact, she was the only thing he saw or wanted to see. He sat with Calum during art, because Jade didn't welcome him at their table anymore. Calum tried to engage Michael in conversation, but Michael only paid attention to Jade. How her head was always tilted to the side while her hands moved adeptly on the page, creating images with such detail that Michael could only dream of ever being able to do that. How her tongue stuck out just a little through her slightly parted lips while she concentrated on her work. How she poked her piercings with the colored pencils as she paused to examine her progress.

"Michael."

Michael looked away from Jade and towards Calum, who was looking at Michael. "What?"

"Leave her alone, man," Calum shook his head. "She's had enough of you."

Yeah, and it doesn't seem like I'll ever get enough of her, Michael wanted to scream at Calum. Who cared if Jade had had enough of him? She wasn't the one losing her mind over someone who made her cry every night. She wasn't the one literally going insane over someone who claimed every piece of her mind as their property. But he didn't say any of that to Calum.

All he said was, "Shut up, Calum." Calum just stayed quiet. Michael knew Calum was getting pretty tired of this routine, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. He didn't care about anything now. He just wanted Jade to forgive him, so he could forgive himself and try to be better person to her.

Michael looked at Jade again and this time their eyes connected. The hatred that Michael had gotten used to seeing in her was missing today, although it had been there everyday for the past three days. It gave Michael some inking of hope, but he wasn't stupid enough to let that lift his spirits.

Later that day, when Michael was going home, he saw Ashton hugging Jade in his car. He wasn't close enough to hear anything, but he could clearly see Jade shaking. The silent tremors were like a slap to his face and Michael couldn't help but think that he was the one responsible for them. He hated himself for what he had done to her, and seeing her like this deepened that hatred. It was like a raging beast in him, trying to claw its way out but finding no escape.

After school, since Karen wasn't home, Michael let it out. He paced in his room for almost an hour, trying to talk himself out of it. He knew it was wrong, that it wouldn't be a one time thing, that it would become routine. But just like with everything else, Michael didn't care. He wanted out and this was the only way.

Never in his life had Michael thought that he would need to know how to take out the blade from a pencil sharpener.

His phone was ringing as Michael held the blade in his shaky hand, trying to convince himself that this was the only thing he could do. He blocked out the ringtone, focusing instead on steadying his hand and placing the blade on his forearm. His breathing was erratic, body shaking with terror. Squeezing his eyes shut, Michael pressed the blade deeper into his arm, piercing the skin. The immediate sting and the scorching pain that followed was enough to make him momentarily forget about his problems. But then he remembered them all. And, as if he wasn't in control of himself anymore, he made another cut. And another. And another. Hot tears ran down Michael's face and he couldn't see just how much damage he was inflicting on himself.

Then someone threw open the door to his room and Michael found himself staring at Luke through blurry eyes, tears clouding his vision. Luke stared back at his friend, completely shell shocked. He rushed in and snatched the blade from Michael's bloody fingers.

"What are you doing, Mike?" Luke asked, his voice cracking and tears rolling down his own cheeks.

"I miss her, Luke," Michael cried and threw his arms around Luke, not caring that he would get his blood on Luke's clean white shirt. Luke hugged Michael tightly, making him feel just a little better. "I miss her so fucking much. Tell her I'm not a bad person."

"You're not a bad person, Mikey," Luke said, rubbing his back. "You're a great person. Please don't do this to yourself."

"I just wanted to be her friend," Michael whimpered, not even aware of the pain anymore. He just felt so fucking stupid for messing up everything. "That's all I wanted and that's the only thing she asked of me. I fucked up, Luke. I suck."

"No, you don't," Luke said, bringing Michael to his feet. Michael continued to cry as Luke made him sit on the bed and moved around the room, leaving for a few minutes to get something. He came back with a first aid kit and sat next to Michael. Luke wiped Michael's arm free of blood as much as he could and treated it with something that stung like a bitch and Michael swore in a way he hadn't in a long time. Luke worked in silence, taking care of Michael who was too much of an idiot to ever do anything right himself.

"I'm sorry, Luke," Michael said quietly.

Luke shook his head, still crying a little. "You scared the shit out of me, Mike. Don't ever do that again."

"I'm such a fuck up," Michael mumbled, biting down on his lip. "I mess everything up, I'm sorry. I just want Jade to not be mad at me anymore. I never meant to hurt her."

"Yet she's hurting you right now," Luke said. "She has the right to be mad, but I can't have her hurting my best friend like this."

Michael didn't say anything. Jade had every right to hurt him just like he had hurt her. He just wished he could go back in time and fix it all. Then there would be no need for bloody solutions to anything.

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this is not a good day to post this chapter but it's michaels bday so i wanted to put sth up and i cried while writing this just picture the real michael in place of this one and you will too