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Chapter Thirty-One: Silas

"When will I be fixed." She mutters next to me in the bed. How does she not know just how amazing she is? Her heart is so pure and full of love. She is so kind and sweet. So thoughtful. Physically she is absolutely perfect. Her creamy ivory skin and long blonde curly hair. Her smile that lights up the room. Her eyes that hypnotize in their pools of bright blue brilliance.

"You're not broken," I pull her to me, "there is nothing to fix, you're perfect." I pray for a Groundhog Day scenario. I don't want to break her heart tomorrow.

________________

I'm a coward.

I slept like shit last night and gave up sleep around 4:30. I stare at her for as long as I can until I have to get ready for work. The blanket comes up to her waist, exposing her round, high, perky breast. Her face is in serene slumber. She is so beautiful it pains me. I let her sleep knowing that if she woke up, she would ask about last night. I jot down a note for her on a note pad.

________________________
Annika,________________
I have to go to work, I have to
meet with department heads
at 7. I'll come home around 3.
We can talk when I get back.
But know that you did not do
anything wrong. You are per-
fect. I missed up. I want to own
that. I love you very much. You
have to know that. I would not
ever do anything to hurt you.
You're the love of my life. God,
you are my life. I can't be with-
out you. I know that this may
be hard to believe but it is the
truth. I'll see you later, okay?
With all my love, Silas______
_______________________

I leave it for her on my pillow. Today's the day. No more chickening out.

_______________

"Annika, I lied to you... well... I withheld information... which is lying. And I hate myself for it but you have to know that I did it not to hurt you but to protect you. And as much as I don't want to tell you this you have every right to know. I'm sorry I kept this from you." I suck in a deep breath before finishing my explanation. "You had a miscarriage about a year ago. You weren't far along... during the accident... you were pregnant again and because of it you lost the baby. I'm so sorry that I kept it from you but in the back yard... "I shake my head to will myself not the cry. I've been doing that to damn much in the last few months. "In here is the nursery..."

I practice my speech in the mirror of my office bathroom. I hate this. Based on last night I know she will understand, but it doesn't make it easier. And that understanding may not be right away. She may need time.

The FaceTime tone breaks me out of my daydream. Annika's picture lights up the screen. "Hey, Baby." I see a close up of her face. She looks like she just witnessed a murder. She flips to the other camera on her phone, so it shows the room in front of her.

"What the fuck is this?!" Shit shit shit shit! Shit!