I Promise.

Pythagorean Theorem.

Chapter 11
                    11/19/2001
School was fairly interesting today. All the attention was put on Bucky today, which was awful. Bucky hated attention, and he already had enough of it from this morning. It was a struggle to get him into the car. Mrs. Barnes was visibly frustrated, and I was trying my best to keep his cool for him. Eventually we coerced him into the car and got him to school. After we got out the car, the day just went to shit. Everyone kept staring at him, and asking him questions. They kept asking if he'd continue to play football, which was already a soft subject for Bucky. However, it was a relief that no one brought it up in our group. Wanda was trying to distract us about talking about her chemistry lab she's doing today. Bucky knew what she was doing, and it was greatly appreciated. It took a lot of pressure off him. However, in gym class it was a totally different story. Normally I'm the one on the sidelines, but this time it was him. Today was mile day, which everyone already knew was bad for me. I tried to keep up with Bruce and Clint, but on my second lap I was already having an asthma attack. In fact, I actually passed out. It's pretty common for me to pass out while doing the mile, but Bucky wasn't next to Bruce and Clint to tell them what to do, so they were all just mildly confused. Bruce decided that he would just carry me and tell the gym teacher I collapsed. It wasn't like I could argue, I was unconscious and being tossed over Bruce's body like a rag doll. Bucky said that he couldn't believe his eyes. I looked like a limp Barbie doll. Bruce just had me slumped over his shoulders. Naturally, they would ask Bucky to carry me, but he's kind of lacking the arm. So Bruce carried me down to the nurses office and stayed with me. When I woke up he asked me if I was okay, and gave me a bottle of water. I definitely felt a lot better from when I was running. I found out that we were already in first lunch, and I was tempted to move to see Bucky, but my body was too sore to move. Apparently they called Winnifred and she was already on her way to get me, along with Bucky. Buck already had to be checked out for his physical therapy appointment later, so she thought why not take us both at the same time. She also gave me the option to go to the appointment with them, which I agreed I'd go for support. Bucky looked very appreciative when he found out I helped pay for his arm. It fit like a glove, or in his case it fit like just a normal arm. They gave him the option to practice using it at home too to get used to it, and he agreed. He wanted to use it as soon as possible. Bucky used to be left hand dominant, but he's honestly doing so great with his right hand. The physical therapy is going to teach him how to be left handed again, but the right hand is working so well. He told me he's going practice both so he could be ambidextrous. If that's what makes him happy, then it's fine with me. I'm surprised at the progress he's made with his right hand. He can write pretty well. He's been practicing writing with it since he lost his left one. It was a good distraction for him. The physical therapy session went great, besides the fact that he was visibly frustrated. He couldn't move the fingers on his hand like he wanted to, and he couldn't write that well. That led to him screaming "Fuck!" Then throwing his pencil on the ground. I was surprised they didn't make him leave. As soon as we got in the car he took off the prosthetic. When we got home he headed straight into the room. In fact, I'm still in the living room. I thought he could use his space. Mrs. Barnes is in the kitchen. She thinks I'm doing homework. She looks so concentrated on cooking, that I decided to draw her. I drew her long brown hair, her smiling lips, and her small frame. I depicted her drawing the pot. I'm actually pretty satisfied with the result. I have it drawn on the back of this page. I should probably actually get started with my homework. Until later, journal.
I closed the journal and put it in my hand. I decided to finally go up to our room and grab my math book out of my bag. Good ol' algebra. The door was shut and locked, so I was forced to knock. Which also means Bucky was forced to get up.
  "Who is it?" Bucky asks through the door.
  "Steve." I replied. I heard him unlock the door and let me in. He must have been asleep, his hair was wild. He hasn't cut his hair in a while, which meant it was getting longer. The long hair suited him just as much as the short hair. The long hair gives him an edge. By the guess of it, he was sleeping. I looked him up and down and noticed something, he wasn't wearing his shirt. Ever since the accident, he's never taken off his shirt. Why is he doing so now? I noticed that I was staring for an ungodly amount of time, and I immediately felt my face getting red. It's not my fault his chest is at eye level for me. It's distracting.
  "I-I need to get my math book." I muttered, stumbling through the room. "I'll get out of your hair in a second." I quickly dug in my bag and reached for my math book. Good god this is embarrassing. I moved my legs toward the door.
  "You don't have to leave the room. I don't mind you being here." I saw his steel blue eyes piercing through his fingers. He had his hand covering his face, and he was lying back down. He's really making me want to risk it all right about now. Something about the way he looks at me just-
  "Okay shut UP, Steve!" I think to myself. My mom would never want me to think of such things.
  "Are- Are you sure. I can go." I stuttered.
  "Am I a distraction?" Bucky teased.
  "A little bit, yes." I admitted. I don't think that he thought I would say that, because his face went bright red.
  "I uh- I. Thanks?" He sounded so confused. I laughed to myself. He looked so handsome in this light. I'm resisting the urge to draw him.
  "No problem." I chuckled. "Were you sleeping." I asked.
  "Not exactly." He looked at me.
  "Just thinking?" I asked again.
  "Certainly thinking about something." His voice went deeper. I then realized what he was talking about, and how beyond dumb I was. I'm a 17 year old kid, he's a 17 year old kid. What 17 year old boy would just be chilling with his door locked, shirt and pants off, in his bedroom alone and not be doing something. I tried to think of literally anything to change the conversation.
  "So uh, how about Pythagorean Theorem?" I blurted out. This caused Bucky to nearly piss himself laughing. It also caused me to laugh too. I can't believe that's the first thing I think of. "Hey your boyfriend totally just jacked off to you. You like Pythagorean theorem?" Maybe I really am a 12 year old.
  "God you are so dumb." Bucky laughed, flopping himself down on his bed, yet again.
  "I should probably get that checked out." I joked back. I am pretty dense. We were interrupted by Mrs. Barnes calling us down for dinner.
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  "So I feel like we should talk about something." Bucky and I just stared at each other.
  "Please not the sex talk please not the sex talk please not the-" I said in my head.
  "The Stark's said we could use their cabin for Thanksgiving. Do you boys like that idea?" Bucky and I audibly let out a breath of relief. Mrs. Barnes looked at us quizzically, and then we saw a deep blush arise on her cheeks. "Oh dear god, boys. Get your heads out of the gutter." She said, shaking her head. I cleared my throat and took a sip of my water.
  "That's fine by me." I said. Thanksgiving is on the 22nd, which also happens to be Natasha's birthday. It's great to remember, because now Bucky can't forget her birthday. We always get oddly lucky, because today was the last day of school before Thanksgiving break. We weren't even there for five hours. Bucky was being oddly quiet. We just got great news, and he hasn't said a word. It then hit me why Bucky hasn't said anything. He just realized that this is his first Thanksgiving without his dad. Then it hits me too, this is my first Thanksgiving without my mom. All three of us looked at each other. We all had the same understanding of what we were going through.
  "I think we could all use a vacation. Get it off our minds." I broke the silence. I couldn't stand it. I didn't want to keep thinking of my mom. Bucky got up from the table. All he said was
  "I can never get it off my mind."
His mother soon pushed out her own chair to follow him into his room. I heard the door shut behind her. I leaned into my chair and pushed my hair back.
"Was that the right thing to say?" I thought to myself. I then decided it was. Bucky didn't direct it at him, he directed it at the world. He directed it at himself. Bucky hasn't really talked about the accident. He didn't talk about the events. Nothing. He won't have to talk about it until the trial. The driver of the 18-wheeler was charged with vehicular homicide. He was on his phone, and didn't realize the stop light at the intersection. That's all we know. Bucky won't tell us anything else.
  I stayed down there, slowly picking at my peas, until Mrs. Barnes came down. Her face was red and blotchy. She was teary eyed, and her mascara was running. I ran up and hugged when she finally met the last step. She seemed like she needed a hug. It hit me that I've never talked to her about how she felt. No one has.
  "Are you okay?" Right when I asked her that, she broke down. It was if no one asked her that. She cried and cried. I understood what she meant. She missed George. She missed her old Bucky. She missed Sarah. She's lost so much, and I never stopped to ask if she was okay. We sat on the couch with tea and she vented to me. She told me that while she was upstairs, Bucky told her what happened. He told her he watched his father die. He told her he got up and walked to his dad, even though he couldn't feel his arm. Even though he was bleeding everywhere. His chest collided with the steering wheel. The seatbelt locked and burned into his neck. He was dead. That's all she told me. She didn't tell me anything else, and that's all I needed to know.
  After we finished our tea we both agreed it was time we sleep. As she went upstairs, I started the dishes for her. After about ten minutes, I finally got upstairs too. I knocked on the door. I didn't get an answer so I just walked in. Bucky was asleep on the bed. His chest was rising up and down, his hair in front of his face. His shirt was off again. I'm not sure what he's trying to do to me, but it's working. I grab my clothes to take a shower. I skipped out on grabbing a shirt, and just grabbed my boxers.
  "Two can play at this game, Barnes." I laugh to myself. I undress and start running the water for the shower.
  I can't stop thinking about him. The way his hair rests on his face, even when it's short or long. How he towers over me. His body. Just him. How soft his lips are when he kisses me. How soft his skin is. I pray to god my mother forgives me for the way I'm thinking, but I give in just this once. I said fuck it just this once. It's not like Bucky would ever find out about this. I hope the shower water is loud enough to just let me have this just once. I finished showering and walk out the shower. I dried off and put on my boxer shorts. I put the towel and my dirty clothes in the bin, and unlock the door. Just my luck, Bucky is still fast asleep.
  "Thank god." I whisper. I pull myself under the covers and drift off into sleep. Tonight was one of the first nights Bucky didn't wake up to a nightmare. He did however, wake up to himself saying my own name, which made me wake up as well. I acted like I was still fast asleep. All I could hear next to me is Bucky's panting and him shifting in his bed. I knew I signed up for living with a 17 year old boy, but I didn't realize I signed up for that too.
That morning I acted like nothing happened. I just woke up, said good morning, brushed my teeth, gave him a quick peck on the lips, and headed downstairs for breakfast. Mrs. Barnes gave me a run down on the cabin. Bucky and I will have our own separate rooms and we will leave at about 4:00 in the morning to drive down there. We leave tomorrow on the 21st to get prepared for Thanksgiving. Normally they have a party at their house each year, but she wasn't feeling up to it this year. Bucky then came down from the room, still shirtless and in his boxers.
  "Jesus. Put on some clothes, Bucky." Mrs. Barnes fussed at him.
  "You birthed me. You've seen worse. Besides, Steve doesn't mind." By the look on his face, he heard me in the shower. He did the same thing I did and acted like he was sleeping when he definitely wasn't. It made me wonder how loud I was. I immediately knew my face turned crimson red. My face felt like it was on fire. Bucky took it upon himself to lean against the back of my chair, his right arm draped across my side.
  "Anyways, you boys need to get packed. We are spending five days there. Pack five days worth of clothes and four nights worth of clothes. I don't think it would hurt to pack extra undergarments too." She directed us.
"I brought suitcases down from the attic. Bucky, you have the black one. Steve, you take the blue one, and I'll take the red."
  "Sounds good to me." Bucky said from behind me. His voice rattled deep in my chest. He really had no business having a voice that deep. Not that mine was any higher. I may not have a great body, but at least my voice isn't high pitched and squeaky.
  "Sounds like a plan." I said, smiling.
Bucky took care of the dishes after we finished eating. He successfully washed the egg pan. I was kind of proud of him.
                      11/20/2001
Bucky washed the egg pan!
I made note of that in my journal. There was no secret that I had it. Bucky knew I had it already. He was humming while washing the dishes. I recognized that melody. He was singing "Losing my Religion". He knows how much I love that song. It's like he's trying to trap me into some type of love spell, and good lord it's working. He finally stopped humming.
  "You have a good shower last night?" He asked. Even with his back turned towards me, I knew he was smiling. I thought to myself.
  "Alright two can play at this game."
  "I don't know. You had a good dream last night? Because it sounded like you were really enjoying yourself." I teased. His neck up turned bright bright red.
  "I-I. You heard- oh god- I" He was stammering through his words. "Well this is embarrassing." He nervously laughed.
  "Buck, I'm gonna tell you one thing and then we are gonna shut up about this. It's fine."
  "It's fine." He repeated. I'm glad we were both able to come to that agreement.
  I waited for him to finish the dishes, and then I followed him upstairs. I offered to grab his suitcase, but he refused.
  "I'm not helpless, Steve." He said.
  "Just wanted to offer, Buck."
Packing shouldn't have been as fun as it was. We were jamming out to music, and folding all of our clothes. He said
"Last person to finish gets my arm in their bag." And I couldn't help but laugh. The lowest part of today was getting Bucky's underwear thrown at my face.
  "BUCKY E W!" I screamed. He doubled over laughing.
  "I think I'm going to piss myself. Oh my god." He was laughing so hard he started to cough.
Bucky folds his clothes pretty fast for a kid with one arm. He's over halfway done packing his bag, and I'm still not even halfway there. By the time he's done with his bag it'll weigh half of me. That's one thing I remember about vacation, carrying the bags. It was always hard for me to drag, mostly because I was so small. Normally Bucky would take it if it was too much for me, but he can't really do that now. Besides, I would always fight with him when he'd try and take it.
  Bucky totally beat my ass at the whole packing game. He was done way before me.
  "I guess that means I carry your arm." I said while folding a shirt.
  "I was just kidding, babe. I'll carry my arm." I nearly dropped my shirt on the floor. Bucky just looked at me like he was confused.
  "You just- you just called me babe!" I exclaimed.
  "Uh, yeah? Is that alright? I was just testing the waters." Bucky was scratching his neck. That's always been Bucky's nervous tick, scratching his neck.
  "It is more than alright." I said, a bit more excited than I should be.
  "Oh." Bucky said smiling and blushing. "Well that's cool then."
  "It's really cool." I definitely sound excited.
  "Oh my god, Steven. Quit sounding so excited by this." Bucky chuckled.
  "Whaaat? I'm not excited about anything, babe." I teased.
  "I hate you so much." He put is head in his hand. I walked over to him and pulled him into a hug.
  "I love you too."