Haven • H.S.

32. Au Revoir

Haven- 32

"...today i'm not myself. and you, you're someone else..."

Ella.

With the all too real reality that the ropes holding my love life together were unceremoniously releasing themselves, I set out to distract myself in the confines of my dorm. It would've been an easier task if my insides didn't feel ripped to shreds and my thoughts were cognizable, or even if someone would keep me company for a distraction. But then again, I didn't have any friends, did I?

Fuck.

My phone was trapped away from me in my nightstand as if it was flammable and the mere physical contact would bring me to flames. Not that I should worry about touching it; it hadn't rung once since the fucking meltdown of epic proportions inside these walls. I didn't know whether I should be relieved or depressed about it.

He was giving me space. That was what I wanted, right?

I will never love anyone as fiercely as I love you...

Why did it have to be now? Why did it have to take our first fight to spill the words? He'd mentioned he'd been holding it in. Couldn't it have waited until I wasn't shaking with unease and brought to my knees with verbal betrayal? He'd spoken out of the pure desperation to encourage my forgiveness, and it still hadn't gotten him far. Should I pat my own back for standing my ground or should I berate the living hell out of myself for letting him slip away?

Maybe I still couldn't wrap my head around his declaration. Maybe I wasn't ready to. In the far more hurt side of me, I was able to imagine what he was doing right now and the emotions that he'd always intend to keep wrapped inside, but were more a translucent display than anything. And I imagined him mad. Furious. Possibly, he was blaming it on me and I wouldn't stop him if he was.

Blaming me for staying closed up.

I hadn't called when I needed him to be that one person to vent to. I hadn't explained thoroughly, like a good girlfriend should do, that his mate had this confusing change in personality that'd scared me. He could've dealt with it far better than I, but I didn't give him that chance.

It'd just been my fucking luck that the one time I wasn't honest with him, it'd bitten me in the ass.

__________

Harry.

I was furious.

With myself.

Panic was clawing at me, worsening my already tightened chest until I couldn't fucking breathe. The vital oxygen leaving my heart to my brain felt constricted and my palms were sweaty.

The door was closed. I didn't have a key. I was afraid to knock. I fucked up. What kind of messed up deja vu was this?

God dammit, why hadn't I stopped myself from the mess that'd unfolded? I'd lost my filter, and things that killed me as much as I was sure killed her had been said. I'd fucked up again. Just when I thought I'd gotten everything so right, my fifteen minutes of travelling down the right path was stolen from me. By no other than myself.

I love you, Ella Mason. I love you with everything I am. The words couldn't have been any truer, and yet they were spoken in an act to save myself; said at the wrong time. The wrong place. The wrong setting and wrong emotions stirring. It'd been all wrong, yet the words had been all right. And maybe that was why she didn't believe me. That was why she'd left me to hightail out of there regretfully when all I wanted to do was take her in my arms and remind her why we were so good together. God, I wanted her to physically see the truth in my eyes, but she hadn't given me the undeserving gift of turning to me, allowing me to see the damage I'd done so vigilantly, and assessing the amount of pleading I'd need to do in the future.