Haven • H.S.

13. Time

Haven- 13

"...i need a little lovin' tonight. hold me so i'm not fallin' apart..."

Ella.

        The first day without him drizzled on like molasses.

        The moment I realized I'd fucked up was a moment too late. In fact, it was the second I'd rudely shut the door on his pleading expression when I knew I just set myself up for a loss I wasn't ready to lose.

        In my stubborn-willed pride, I hadn't opened the door again despite knowing deep in my gut he was still standing there. Knowing I could've easily brought him back into my arms and told him everything would be okay, that I knew what my eyes had told my mind was nothing close to what my eyes had argued to my heart.

        But what did I really know? The main event in my life that comes in the form of Harry Styles didn't need reassurance, I knew that much already. I didn't need to know him for years to figure out he was a truly strong man inside and out. He didn't need me; the broken mess that I am. He didn't need to pick up the pieces of my bruised and shattered heart when he didn't even own a dust pan and broom.

        My parents died and that was the reality of it.

        I was just so mad at the world. I didn't think I'd ever really been happy with the world for a few years now. I didn't have the time everyone thinks they magically get when they lose a loved one.

        Reality is, life moves on whether or not you're ready for it to.

        I was stuck back then. Stuck in this thick, unpenetrable bubble that only seemed to bend to my movements, never pop. I was forced to continue on the last two years of high school giving off fictitious smiles just to get by, just to act like I was indeed okay. I wasn't.

        But I was able to think that with Harry, I was. Truly.

       No one is built with a titanium plate surrounding them-- protecting them from the outer world, saving them from things out of their control. No one was immuned to things like losing somebody. We just weren't.

        And, yet, God chose me to carry the weight.

        Maybe he thought I could handle it. He miscalculated that one.

_______________

        The second day without him disengaged the little part of me-- my hope.

        In the back of my mind I had selfishly expected Harry to find his way on my doorstep again. Fresh from a nights sleep, void of crude brunettes, going to reach for me like it was his first instinct, to which I'd fall into his arms like they'd never been away. I was a horrible person for even excercising those thoughts and yet... they didn't matter anyways. He didn't come.

        I left my phone on, fully charged, volume loud. It was a subconscious thing (okay, maybe it wasn't) and I found myself taking the device and my crippling hope with me everywhere. By everywhere, I mean to the bathroom or to my bed. It was no secret dorm rooms weren't exactly spacious, and yet that was where I stayed. That was where I spent every hour.

        Abby wasn't much help to me during the first two days. She would walk into our dorm with that look that easily read 'How did I get stuck with the miserable roommate?'

_________________

        So, the third day without him I thought of a plan.

        The structure of the plan was lousy, really. Flimsy in nature. I was an amateur at making romantic gestures, showing feelings or even just being a good person at all that I almost gave up.