It feels like dying

Chapter 19 "Theo"

"Are you okay?" Hermione asked him after some minutes of complete silence.

Draco put down the letter and gazed at her, his eyes wet, he was too sensitive around her and it was bothering him.

He closed his eyes.

He had always been under control, he could control himself, but now when he was alone, and by alone he meant with her, he could be an other version of himself, not the real one, because it didn't feel real, but it felt good, having someone that you're not embarrassed of, that you can cry in front of them and open up to them.

It felt good but at the same time weird and perhaps, wrong.Because he was a Malfoy, an unreadable soul, with no feelings, no expression, just a white mask to hide his ghost, because he was a ghost after all, a pale demon, a broken human that used to have a heart but its walls were too cracked now, too broken.

He was losing himself day by day, and now he could actually see it.He had been able to hide the truth when Hermione had entered his life, to protect her, to show her that he was a human and maybe, just maybe, for some time he even convinced himself.

But deep down he always knew the truth, he always knew who he was, what he had become after taking the mark.

With Theo's death all of these came back to him.He regretted now that he wasn't there for his friend because yeah, Theo was a friend after all.

He always found it wrong that Theo wasn't there for him when at the same time, he wasn't there for Theo.

If he was he would still be alive and Draco would maybe still feel alive because now, at that very moment, he was sitting on a hospital bed with his dead friend's letter on his lap and all he could do was stare at it and regret, regret that he wasn't there for him, for Theo.

His mind went back to the yule ball, when during a very specific song Theo had turned around and looked at him.At that moment Draco had understood that he had a real friend after all or at least, he used to had.

Because at that moment, when their eyes met, Theo had told him with no words that he was sorry, sorry that he left his side, sorry that he wasn't there for him when he needed him the most, sorry that he wasn't a good friend, sorry.

And the song kept on going, revealing an old story of two young men that had together made the biggest mistakes of their lifes, together they had felt the death multiple times when they had been standing next to their master, and the song kept on going.

If I was dying on my knees
You would be the one to rescue me

And if you were drowned at sea
I'd give you my lungs so you could breathe

I've got you brother,
I've got your brother.

Theo didn't help Draco when he was falling apart, he left him and Draco kept on going lower and lower until one day, he couldn't go any lower.

And Draco didn't rescue Theo when he needed saving, so Theo died, all alone and the last thing he did was to write a letter to his best friend.

And they both died, maybe Draco's wasn't an actual death but a physical death.

However, it was still a death.

But then he felt a a hand on his, a familiar touch.

She interlaced her fingers with his and he remembered why he felt alive when she was there.

Because before her, life was barely a good thing for him, something worth fighting for.

Before her he would wake up everyday feeling lost, like he had five different paths to take and they all lead him to death.