Habits (Larry)

1.

Louis stumbled into his flat. No, he wasn't drunk even though he had just left a bar, he was completely sober, he had just forgot to turn on the light switch when he entered. Getting to his feet, he flicked on the switch with one finger, allowing it to light up the flat. Louis glanced around for a few minutes, in a complete daze. He hadn't been in this flat for months, the last time he was in it was right before he went  on tour. So why was he, Louis Tomlinson, in a little flat in England? What had happened was Liam had lost his voice, giving him the disadvantage of not being able to sing. It was decided that the next concert would be postponed for three days, allowing the boys three full days to themselves and to let Liam's voice rest. Since they were in England, Louis could go to this little flat since he purchased it a few years back and wanted to stay there for the next three days. It gave Louis some alone time and privacy, which was just what he needed. Louis stumbled to the bathroom and got ready to do what most people would never think of: He got ready to purge.

This wasn't new to Louis at all, in fact, it was just an old habit. As he dropped down to the cold tile floor, before he was about to stick two of his own fingers down his throat, a memory flooded back into his mind of why he was here, and why he was doing this.

Louis' mind drifted to the memory of 3 years ago, around the time when his band, one direction, was starting to become super popular. Their music starting to play on the radio, they were preparing to start their first tour, and him and Harry were secretly dating. Louis really loved Harry and Harry really loved Louis. They had bought the flat louis was staying in right now together, and everything was great. Only management and their bandmates knew about this special connection. Louis loved Harry's loose curls, a mess of them upon his head, and his dimples that got the biggest whenever he showed his perfectly white teeth and his green eyes lit up like the fourth of July. Both of them just got to be themselves and be in love. The memory burnt holes in his brain. Louis remembered coming home one chilly afternoon to find Harry in the flat, on the floor, packing a suitcase with all his belongings. At first, Louis laughed, thinking Harry was playing some sort of joke on him. He tugged at Harry's curls, telling him to stop and that he got the joke, but Harry wouldn't stop packing, and he wouldn't reply. After twenty minutes Louis was completely  confused. ten minutes later, Harry rose to his feet and started heading towards the door. Louis wasn't going to allow this, and he jumped on Harry, bringing him to the ground. Now, Harry was balling his eyes out, and Louis got more serious. He demanded to know where Harry was going and Harry finally spoke while choking through tears. He has said management had told him that him and Louis could no longer be together. They had to break up, and Harry had to move out of the flat, and that they may never love each other ever ever again. Management had assigned Louis a girlfriend to cover up the fact he was gay. Louis remembered what he did when Harry told him all of this. He went ballistic, screaming and crying hysterically and he was so pissed at Harry he was screaming at him. He asked why would he do this? Why would he accept this to ever happen? And harry said it was for their own good and the sake of the band. That was it, Harry would rather do this for the sake of the band, and not be himself. Louis felt Harry did not actually love him, and had never loved him in the first place. Louis remembered screaming and running out of the flat, getting in his car, and driving away. When he came back to the flat a few days later, it was completely bare. Emptiness hung in the air. Louis looked and saw that where all the pictures of him and Harry had hung, they had been taken down, replaced by oily marks on the walls. He remembered he was so depressed he wouldn't leave the flat. Instead, he went on his laptop and searched social media websites when he was bored. One day, he saw a hate page someone had started about him. He clicked it and so many people were saying such awful things. Things like:

Louis is such a fat ugly pig

Louis is ugly af and nobody will ever love him

How could Louis be anyone's favorite? He is a fat worthless loser.

Seeing these things took a tole on Louis and made Louis open his eyes. Louis was fat, ugly, and disgusting and nobody liked him. No wonder Harry left. That's when Louis decided to start his habits. He became depressed. He started to cut, and stop eating, and purge when he was forced to eat. Louis started dropping weight over the years dramatically, and everyone was noticing, including fans, but Louis could not stop because he still didn't feel good enough. The boys started watching him, making sure he ate, and acted normal. Louis did eat, but then would just go to purge. He watched Harry over the years and how Harry didn't seem to care at all, like what they had never happened, and was never special. Harry acted totally fine. What was the worst part of all of this? The secret no one knew.

Louis still was in love with Harry.

Louis snapped back into reality. He was still on the bathroom floor and he still hadn't purged. He knew it had to get done. He could feel everything in his stomach, all of it building layers of fat on him. He roughly shoved two fingers down and storked the back of his throat. Within a few seconds he was puking and sputtering into the toilet. A little of alochol, food, and stomach acid mixed. He went until he had no energy, and was sprawled on the floor, completely out of breath. This wasn't his first time purging tonight. Earlier he had purged at the bar, getting rid of the food from the restaurant they had gone to before the bar. When he purged at the bar, it didn't matter if anyone heard him, they all would just assume he is totally drunk, so he had just fit right in. After a few minutes of being on the bathroom floor, Louis managed to get up and look at himself in the mirror. What louis saw was fat clinging to his whole body. He grabbed at what he thought was all fat, and dug his fingernails into his skin and dragged across, leaving red and purple scratches all over his stomach and hips. He dug into the flesh on his arms, thinking fat dangled there. He dug until he bled. What Louis saw wasn't real. What Louis was actually was his ribs that were super noticeable and stuck out, a concaved stomach that sunk below his rib cage that met with his bony hips. His arms had no flesh on them not even the tiniest bit and Louis had such skinny legs the gap between them was huge. Louis stopped and decided he was tired and needed to go to sleep. He changed into a sweatshirt that could fit at least two Louis in there, but it didn't faze to him how big it was. He got in such baggy sweatpants everytime he walked they practically fell off. As he climbed into bed tears got caught in his eyes thinking about Harry. He was so in love with Harry. Louis pulled up one of the sleeves of the sweatshirt and looked at his cuts that were still present as scars. He always cut with the arm with only two tattoos. He let the sleeve casually fall down and make his arm swim in the sleeve for it was so big it at least half a foot past where Louis' arm stopped. He laid down and started to fall alseep. All he could think about was Harry, and when he did he didn't feel so alone. Before he knew it he was asleep, and he began having dreams about him and Harry. It was all just one big, broken memory.

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Authors note update (11/22/16): guys! I don't really think Louis is ugly or fat. He's actually the complete opposite of both of those things. I'm not a hardcore fan of one direction anymore, but I wouldn't insult them lmao. So just chill and enjoy this story.