Attack On Titan | Boyfriend Scenarios | Oneshots

Armin x Reader || Suffering

{{ Honestly, I would advise for some sad music to listen to while reading this— it was my inspo to write this ;w;
Have some angst, bc I've been feeling pretty down as of late and I needed to like write some sad shit.

This may come off as triggering for some as of mentions with the following; suicide.
If you're feeling suicidal or down, remember to seek out help and that you're NEVER alone. You are loved and you will be missed.
NEVER HESITATE TO MESSAGE ME TO VENT OR IF YOU NEED SOMEONE!

I love you very much 💓

p.s excuse any mistakes it's 5 am and I've been up all night... }}

It wasn't every night you lay awake, but it was becoming a problem. You'd awake late, awake hungry or cold, you'd feel groggy and disgusting. These past few days had been rough, everyone was going through one thing or another and fighting little battles that were rarely spoke about. The recent expedition was harder than expected, finding out that Annie was in fact the female titan hurt more than expected. Why? You were never close to her, but knowing that she murdered people. It was.. mind boggling.

Every night was becoming sleepless, you'd lay there with wide eyes or become awoken from another soldier experiencing night terrors which normally resulted in them screaming. Things weren't right, it was dark- a cloud hung above everyone. Turning to your side, you found yourself staring at the stone wall. Every night was the same, awake, stone wall, awake.. stone wall. Repetition was the only thing you saw in the army, with death reoccurring, mental breakdowns and broken hearted warriors. It was painful to watch, each day a struggling fight not only for you but others.

Turning back so you lay on your back, you faced the ceiling once again. Endless thoughts raced, things from 'why didn't you help Jean cleaning?' to 'why didn't you help that girl from being crushed alive?' Quickly, you squeezed your eyes shut and buried you face in your hands. You had to stop thinking of these things, but they just wouldn't end. The endless torture, the screams, the panic attacks: all the same each and every fucking day. Before you found yourself having another breakdown, you quickly pushed the bedsheets back and sucked in a deep breath. Despite having a cold shiver run down your spine, you was hot and sweaty.

Things were so depressing, so depressing that you even thought to yourself why you joined. The mass suicide numbers in the corps were enough to make any man go insane. It was heartbreaking to see the medics stretch away another cloth draped body out their room. Each night before you slept, you made sure that everyone of your comrades had a good farewell from you; because you never knew if it would be their last. Looking up from your lap, you could feel your hands shaking. Another one of those nights. Standing from your bed, you'd use the bright light of the moon which was shining through your window to find your jacket and boots. You were in your nightgown, but you were certain nobody would be up at this time.

As you left your room, you decided to go for a walk. You weren't too sure where, but walking was the one thing you simply had to do. It felt like you'd walked for hours, exploring the nooks and crannies of this Headquarter. The store rooms, the empty rooms, the med bay, the higher up quarters, the grounds, the kitchen and Mess Hall. It was larger than you had expected it to be. Walking was always a coping method for you, it granted you the ability to feel free again, to talk your thoughts out and allow yourself to slip into total loneliness. It was like everyone had disappeared for the day. These kind of walls were rare. Where the moon would shine your way, where your feet would chose their own path, where the gentle brushing of wind against tree could be heard, where everything seemed so peaceful. Like titans never existed. It granted you the ability to see life at another perspective. Everything so quiet, peaceful, perfect.

Exiting the Mess Hall, you'd slowly make your way back through the empty halls to your room. The moon shone perfectly, the idea of having a torch would be useless in a situation such as this one. Throughout this whole walk, you were too busy staring down at your boots to really notice what was going on around you. How your boots tapped and it's echo bouncing from wall to wall until it simply disappeared and for once throughout your probably hour and a half walk, you looked up. Past the pillars, which shown the courtyard and a big patch of the sky was the dark sky. Littered with tiny little lights as far as the eye could see, bright ones ranging to very small ones and then the bright eye which Hanji had called the 'Moon.' It was beautiful, the stars hugging tightly around it while others were spaced out to avoid touching one other. A sight only a bird of the night would see.

While you were too busy admiring the beauty of the nights sky, a soft voice could be heard behind you. It was apparent that they meant no harm or to startle you.
" Beautiful, isn't it? You don't see them when it's bright out, the beauty of the light doesn't show it's darkness to others, " the voice spoke in a gentle and soft manner. Peeling your eyes away, they landed upon Armin who stood next to you. His own were glued to the sky, causing his blue eyes to light up more. It was magnificent.
" Armin, I— " you hesitated, questions could be for later. Looking back, you smiled softly. " Yes, it is beautiful. " The blonde hair boy would finally look at you, his own smile soft.
" When I can't sleep, I come out here alone to look at the nights sky. I normally do this alone, but I'm glad I have your company. " His cheeks dusted a pink, but it was far too dark for you to notice.
" You've been suffering too, right? " your question hit home to Armin, it was apparent by how his shoulders suddenly slouched.
" Who hasn't..? Each night, when I close my eyes.. I could've done something, couldn't I? "

Your heart hurt hearing this, of course he was suffering and he was right. Who wasn't? Captain Levi probably was, despite that he may not show it; and Commander too. Behind closed doors, everyone suffers.
" Equally, we all could've done something, but we tried our best Armin. Those lives that were lost weren't in vain. Those lives.. they lit up the sky, " you referred to your fallen comrades as the stars you were both previously staring at. Each and everyone of them. Reaching out to take ahold of the blondes hand, you would give it a gentle squeeze.
" Thank you, " his voice broke, causing him to dip his head to avoid embarrassment.
" Don't thank me, Armin, " reassuring was all you could do as of now. No words were needed as you both would look back up in the sky. A shooting star zoomed past, lighting up both your faces.
" You know, [Y/N]... " he hesitated, looking at you with a small smile. " I've always looked up to you, you're always so strong and confident.. " His blush darkened.

"I've always loved you."

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