Something Happened

Chapter 18

The first snowfall of the year made everything beautifully gloomy. It made me feel kind of despondent, especially after telling my friends what had happened to me and then being left. I guess it wasn't their fault though, I can't expect a certain reaction out of someone.

The walk to school was cold and lonely, but I didn't mind much. When I did make it to school, it felt as if the whole building was staring at me, maybe I had something on my face or maybe my clothes weren't right.

The stares of my classmates were not wanted but they were there anyway and I couldn't make sense of the situation. I looked around, more confused than ever. It was only then when Sadie came rushing up to me, almost blatantly telling me what had happened that I realized that I had messed up.

"Why didn't you tell us? We could've helped or at least done something. The whole school is talking about how you were with some guys and you told them you were raped. Who was it?" At the rush of Sadie's words, the drunken night with the guys had come back to me in full force. Remember one point I had yelled something about my rape and that was all it took for someone to get a hold of the information and spread it around like wildfire. The whole school knows.

That sentence kept repeating itself in my mind refusing relentlessly to give up. That black monster in my stomach had come back just when I thought it was done with me. It tore and ripped up my insides waiting for me to say something, give it a way out. My heart has already dropped to the floor I'm not sure if I'll be able to survive it, not this time, not today. Hadn't I already been through enough? Was I being punished for something? What did I do wrong?

I push my way past Sadie, not knowing what else to do. I made my way to the bathrooms that were always empty because they were the smallest ones in the whole school. I throw myself into one of the stalls for added privacy, just in case. My head was packed full of questions with not enough answers.

Who had heard? Who had told everyone something so personal?

I didn't realize that someone came in until they were pounding on my stall wall. I jump in surprise but I refuse to make any noise to signify that I am in here. Maybe if I don't say anything they will go away.

"Estelle? Are you in there?" The sound of Damon's voice makes my muscles relax but my mind does nothing of the sort. I still don't say anything.

"C'mon I saw you run in here. Open up," his smooth and sincere voice make my body move on its own and unlock the door. I wonder if Damon can hypnotize me the way Derek did. Make me lose all sense of myself and let him do what he wants with me. The thought terrorizes me.

Damon pushes himself into the small stall and I back up against one wall, making room so that we aren't touching. Although, when he breathes, his chest just barely skims my own.

"Are you okay?" His question just confuses me even more. I don't know. I shrug in response and look down at my feet. The snow has melted off of them and the water that was left made them look slightly darker than what they really are.

"I don't know why someone would tell the whole school something like that. What kind of person hears something like that and then tells everyone? But most of all, I don't know what I was thinking, saying it out in the open like that," I tell him softly. I feel Damon shift uncomfortably, but I don't move a muscle.

"I don't know why someone would do that, but I know that it isn't your fault," Damon tells me. My confusion turns to anger like someone had snapped their fingers and everything besides anger faded away. All I was left with was this rage that lit a flame inside of me.

"Not my fault! I was the one who went off and said it out in the open! Yeah, sure, someone had spread the word, but I started it. You don't have the right to tell me that it isn't my fault. Especially when you get uncomfortable and moody whenever I bring it up! News flash, it happened and no one can change that! I got over it and you can too!" I yell at him. If anyone was even in the vacinity of us my shouts could make them turn around and run.

I could see Damon's fist and jaw clench at my harsh words, my anger liting his own. "Yeah, I get uncomfortable when you bring up the fact that some guy, that I had been friends with, raped the girl that I liked. I shook hands with the guy that drugged and raped the girl on the soccer team, who I had watched for years. The girl with the bright eyes and friends. I watched that girls eyes dull and I watched her distance herself from her friends because of something that my friend had done. I sat back and watched that girl shy away from human contact because of something that could have been stopped."

"Then, that girl tells me that I can't do anything about it! I can't tell anyone, I can't get revenge, I can't have my own feelings towards it! So, yeah, when you casually bring up your rape, I get moody and uncomfortable, but news flash Estelle; you're not over it. I watched you get drunk on my couch, I watched you cry and yell, I've seen you run away from it and ignore it. I've even seen you hate on not only the people that looked like Derek but yourself, too. You, Estelle, are anything but over your rape," Damon turns to leave, but I grab his hand. Just like that my flame had fizzled out.

"It couldn't have been stopped Damon, and you didn't know. I'm sorry that I made you feel like you couldn't have feelings about it and no, maybe I am not over it, but I want to be. I pray every second of every day to just forget about it, to just move on. I try Damon," I tell him. Damon looks at me, his gaze burning into my soul.

There are a few moments of silence. Damon's eyes stare into my own. I can't help it, "what did you mean when you said that stuff about watching me?"

Damon's hand reaches up and rubs his neck where the tattoo lies, a see a small blush creep up his face. He looks down at his shoes, no longer making eye contact.

"I think it was how you played. I had gone to a game once when I was seeing someone on the team, but you kind of stood out. You never looked at the audience or coaches for reassurance, you just did what you thought was right. I went to almost every game after that, even after I broke up with Brooke," I think back to Brooke. She was on offense, but she never took any risks and chose to play more on the safe side. She was kind of loud but she was pretty, all blonde hair and big green eyes.

"I'd see you in the halls a lot too, talking with your friends. It's not like I followed you or anything, I was just more aware of you than the other players or people in physics," he says. For a second, I forgot about the gossip in the halls and how everyone knew my biggest secret.

"You totally stalked me," I joked, smiling enough to show my teeth. He looked at them, the way my lips curled up and then and suddenly his own met mine and it was warm and soft and I don't think I had ever felt anything like it before.