Something Happened

Chapter 11

My notebook goes flying into my wall. Everything is falling apart right before my eyes and I can do nothing to stop it. The monster in my stomach has eaten a hole in my stomach and it's out. My monster is out. Jared is yelling or maybe he's sobbing, I can't tell. It has faded into white noise, all I can hear is my heartbeat thudding in my chest.

Jared grabs me by the shoulders and at that moment they are like cold and detached and I flinch back. This doesn't go unnoticed by Jared and instead of him growing softer like he normally does when I am scared or hurt, he grows angrier. His face turns red and he's yelling again.

"Who did this to you! I swear I am going to rip his fucking throat out! Estelle, you better tell me who right fucking now!" He continues yelling and ranting until I speak up.

"Whether you kill him or not, it won't change the fact that it happened. It will only send you to jail and make me even more lonely and depressed than I already am," he completely stops at this. Then he falls to the ground and he sobs and he beats his fists against my floor. I wish I had never said anything. I wish that I had never written in that stupid notebook. This is my fault. I did this.

"You-you tried to tell me. Yesterday, your story. You tried to tell me and I didn't listen, I didn't try," he says wheezy broken voice. "I am supposed to protect you and make sure this doesn't happen. I was raised to protect you!"

"I'm sorry," I tell him. He pulls me down into him and proceeds to tell me that it isn't my fault, but I know it is. I should have tried harder to keep him off, I should have worn something more, I shouldn't have drank. This is all my fault. I caused not only myself pain but the people around me too.

***

The next day rolls around. Mom never came home last night. Jared stayed in my room all night. No matter how much he begged I never told him who had done it to me. At one point he had tried to drag me to the police station, but I convinced him it was useless because it happened weeks ago and there was no proof. I told him that I didn't want people to know and that I just wanted to move on. He didn't agree with my choice but he understood that they were that. My choices. Like it is his choice to be in the army, it's my choice not to be a victim. At least not in my friends' eyes.

Jared's eyes are still red from crying and his fists are starting to bruise from hitting my floor. The sight of my brother makes me feel terrible. I can't even describe how bad I feel.

Jared makes us breakfast but I barely got in two bites before I am once again glued to the bathroom floor, puking my guts out. Jared comes to check on me and when we make eye contact something in his eyes change. "No," he whispers. I don't understand his problem until he asks me to go to the doctors with him.

"No, I can't, it can't..." I am a blubbering mess all the way to the local Planned Pregnancy Clinic. Jared fights to stay composed.

We are seated in the waiting room when we arrive. There are several pamphlets on abortion, babies, new moms, circumcision, and so many more.

"What are you going to do?" Jared asks me. I don't have to ask him what he means. I already know.

I let out a breath and compose myself. "If there is anything there, I will not carry it. I will terminate the pregnancy and we will never speak of this," Jared's jaw twitches in anger. I don't know if he is angry that I am willing to take a life or that I am in this situation in the first place. Jared also composes himself. This is not the place.

"Estelle Martin?" When my name is called Jared and I both jump out of our seats and follow the older lady into a room. Soon after another lady comes in. Her name tag says "Amanda" but I think she looks more like a Teresa. Amanda takes some of my urine which I am led to a bathroom for. After I give her my cup I go back to my room and wait with Jared. We were both on edge and when the lady finally comes back I am shaking.

"Wait!" I tell her before she could give me the results. "I just need a minute," I tell her.

"Take all the time you need. I will give you guys some time to talk just yell out in the hall when you're ready," we thank her as she walks out the door and closes it softly behind her.

"What do I do? I am kinda freaking out over here," I tell Jared. He looks over at me and shrugs.

"Really? You're going to shrug right now, as your little sister is about to find out if she is pregnant or not!" I whisper-yell. Jared starts to shrug again but then quickly pulls his shoulders downward.

"I will support you no matter what those results are," Jared tells me.

"What about what path I chose if the results are positive?" I ask him. Jared looks uncomfortable but nods.

"This isn't your fault. Whatever you chose to do I will support you, but we can't do that unless if you let the doctor give you the results."

"Okay, you're right," With that, Jared calls Amanda back in and I hold my breath.

"Okay. Estelle the pregnancy test came back negative. If you need to talk to someone I can give you names and if you have any questions feel free to ask," Jared and I both let out a breath. I am okay. I am not pregnant, my brother doesn't hate me, I don't have to take a life. Everything is okay.

***

Please note: Everything Estelle is experiencing and feeling may be different than what other victims are feeling. I am in no way telling people how they should or should not feel. Estelle's choice is also not what everyone will choose if in her situation. Everyone is entitled to their own thought, feelings, and actions, but please do not judge or criticize Estelle's or anyone else's choices. Please take a look at the online help pages below if you are struggling with your mental health, pregnancy, abortion, etc. I welcome civilized conversations about these issues in the comments.

Help Lines:

https://www.betterhelp.com (Online Counseling)

https://optionline.org/after-abortion-support/ (Online After Abortion Support)

https://online.supportgroups.com (Online Support Groups)

https://optionline.org/livechat/ (Online Pregnancy Helpline)