Something Happened

chapter 7

I am completely pleased with their choice of movie. Deadpool 2 slides its way across the screen and Benny does a little Whoop Whoop.
Benny and I had always planned to go see it but never did. I look across Jamie and Ethan to smile at him. He smiles back, knowing what I'm trying to get across.

I am glad that the movie grabs my full attention so that I won't have to acknowledge the fact that two guys are pushed against my sides and they are significantly stronger than myself. The guys laugh at the funniest parts, and surprisingly, I do too.

When the movie ends, I leap off of the couch and stretch my limbs. I feel relieved when I am no longer being touched by the guys. Everyone follows my lead, but much slower.

"You guys are welcome to stay for dinner," Damon says. It hits me then that I haven't eaten anything today. I guess I didn't really feel hungry.

"Are you down, Estelle?" Benny asks me. I shrug, not wanting to make Benny take me home if he wants to stay, but also not wanting to say yes.

"We can order pizza if you want. Is pepperoni okay?" Ethan asks.

"That's fine with me, and Benny will eat anything that you put in front of him. Except for mushrooms, he has a weird thing against mushrooms, and avocado," I tell him.

"Okay hear me out, Mushrooms are literally the work of the devil and avocados taste like mushy chopped grass," Benny tells us. Damon chuckles at his analogy and I roll my eyes. I've heard the same sentence a million times.

"Okay, so pepperoni pizza with extra mushrooms and avocados, got it," Jamie says and Benny glares at him, hard. Jamie ends up just ordering two large pepperoni pizzas, one did, however, have mushrooms.

When the pizza arrives, Ethan lunges towards the door. The rest of us find a seat around the dark mahogany table. Ethan pays the pizza guy and I have a pang of guilt. I wanted to get out of this thing so bad and yet the guys let us watch their tv and they bought us pizza.

Everyone grabs two slices of pizza, besides me, I grab one. Benny makes sure to throw nasty looks at whoever grab a slice with mushrooms. This encourages the guys to make love noises at their mushrooms.

"So, Estelle, are you going to pursue soccer for a career? You seem to be pretty good," Damon says, staring directly at me.

"Uhm, I don't think so. I mean, soccers great, but I don't think that's what I want to do for the rest of my life. I'm not really sure what I am going to do once school is over but I have been dabbling in the idea of teaching psychology," I tell him with a light blush across my face. I wonder if they can see it. To my right, Benny frowns.

"You never told me that," Benny tells me, I can hear the betrayal in his voice. Last time he asked me what I was going to do next year, I told him that I have no clue and brushed him off. I can see how he might feel betrayed. I guess I didn't tell him because I didn't want him to question it or ask about the sudden career change.

"My uncle teaches psychology at the college downstate. It's a fun class, he could teach you and then you could take over when he retires. I can talk to him if you want," Jamie tells me. He is being so nice to me yet all I can think about are his eyes. Derek's eyes. They are so similar. I don't want to look at him, I don't want to be in the same room as him. I look down at my plate and force words out.

"Yeah, sure, that would be cool," I wonder if they noticed my controversy towards Jamie or if they thought I was just being shy. I'm sure Jamie has noticed already. He probably thinks I hate him because of something he did. I feel bad for disliking someone because of someone else, someone totally different. I just can't get past his eyes. I can't get past my own.

Everyone talks about things here and there while we finish dinner. It was okay, I was uncomfortable most of the time and I really only talked to Benny and Ethan. Occasionally I would say something to Derek but I didn't talk to Jamie. Not unless he asked me something that required an answer.

"I think I should get home," I tell Benny. He nods his head and stands with me. We help the guys clean up but then we say goodbye and head out to the car.

"They are nice people, aren't they?" Benny tells me more than asks me. He likes them. I briefly wonder if he will ditch me for them, people who aren't as anxious as me, people who are more fun that I am.

"Yeah, they're great," I tell him. I can tell that he has something more to say but the rest of the ride is silent.

***

When I get home, the house is quiet and dark. Mom hasn't been home yet. I wonder if she is ever really home. Like really here. Not mindlessly doing dishes or watching tv on the couch but like actually being present with me or wondering about the future.

I take a shower and let the water burn my skin and turn it red. Maybe I am the one who isn't there. I am just a visitor in my own house, doing what I am told and what is expected of me, but not really asking questions or thinking about what I am doing.

When I am dressed in fresh clothes, I climb in my bed and pick my notebook back up. It was lying as I had left it, open and raw. I lean back and continue writing.