Parachute. (Phan)

Day 1 (Dan)

Dan was almost a different person when he was behind the camera. When he was filming, he turned his awkward experiences into funny stories with his anecdotal humor. But when the camera went off, he was left alone. Alone with his thoughts, and worst of all, himself. Alone with the whispering voices telling him how much of an idiot he was in the encounters he talked about online, how he was a disaster and should've handle himself better.

Dan has been depressed for as long as he can remember, mostly caused by severe bullying in tertiary and upper school, and dropping out of university only worsened it. Even though he had amazing parents and a pretty cool brother (though he'd never admit it out loud), he still had those deep thoughts over never being good enough and not serving a purpose in this world. Even when he told them he wanted to drop out after his first year of law school, his family was supportive. They knew about Dan's mental illness and made sure it wasn't just because he was sad or missing home. But he knew uni isn't what he wanted to do. As Dan was surrounded by mounds of boring law books, he had an epiphany/existential crisis. He absolutely did NOT want this. He wanted to be a YouTuber.

Dan was thinking about that part of his life for the 10 millionth time after bidding farewell to his subscribers in his latest video, making a little two-fingered salute off his forehead and adding a little smirk. He knows he should edit that video soon, seeing as he hasn't uploaded in almost a month and a half. But he just couldn't. He didn't want to do anything anymore. Basically, all he did anymore was watch anime and mindlessly scroll through Tumblr. He was so bored of his routine and feeling useless. Maybe editing will pull me out of this spiral he thought. He slowly stood from his monotone duvet, plopped down into his black leather chair at his desk, plugged his camera into his laptop, and started editing.

When he finished, he opened YouTube, uploaded the video, and noticed there was a video from AmazingPhil from about 2 weeks ago that he hadn't watched yet. How did you miss that you loon?! he cursed himself. He always made sure he was up to date with Phil's videos. He's been obsessed with the older boy since he first started his channel back in 2009. The two men had never met but Dan felt like he'd known Phil his whole life. Of course, Phil would never know of Dan's existence through the millions of subscribers he had. He was just another "fangirl" obsessed with every little thing about him. Dan immediately clicked the video and got sucked in and smiled as soon as he saw Phil's face on the screen. He watched his every movement, from the smallest gleam in his eyes when he made a cheeky joke to the big smile where he sticks his tongue out when he's laughing. Dan was starstruck with everything about Phil. The video ended before he knew it and frowned when it did because that meant he had no more videos to watch of the boy he was in love with.

He decided that he should probably edit his video while he's in a good mood before he goes into another wave of depression. He edits the video, making shaky zoom-ins for comedic effect and leaving in awkward faces he makes to make the audience feel better than he does. He finally finished editing after about 2 hours and opened Twitter. "get ready for yet another awkward encounter video. they seem to be endless but at least I have content" Tweet Sent! He hid his pain behind comedy. He'd always been like that, making jokes to mask the darkness churning behind his eyes. He watched his video before uploading, making sure he didn't miss any opportunities or unnecessary silences. As he watched, he realized how... Different he seemed. He was letting his true self, the melancholic Dan, seep into his video persona. He wondered if this mingling of his personalities was just in this video or it had come up before.

Dan went to his last video, "Internet Support Group 3". He noticed small things, like when Dan would make an intense self-deprecating comment. He knows the difference between a joke and his mind really taking over. Or things he forgot to edit it out like calling himself stupid or useless. How did I miss those during editing? He looked at the comments to see if anyone was concerned with his off-character remarks. He scrolled for a while looking for anything, but he saw nothing. Thousands of comments but not a single one giving a shit about how he was acting. Dan has been hurt by comments before, but the lack of words stung more than anything anyone has called him.

Dan was overwhelmed and now felt like he was tossed into a pile of needles. "Time to assume the position," he sighed to himself. He laid flat on his stomach in front of his bed and started his 3-hour long existential crisis. How could he leave those in his videos? Was it a cry for help? Would anyone even care if he made it more obvious? Why do humans even care about other humans? Is it our purpose? What's our fucking purpose? He went on and on, spiraling more than he ever has before. Then Dan felt like he was hit with a truck as he realized what he wanted- no, what he needed to do. He realized his purpose. He was just a waste of life, space, and resources. So, he was going to go to Tower Bridge in London and fly.

A ping from Dan's phone snapped him out of his crisis, signaling a text. He lazily pulled out his black iPhone and saw that he got a message from his only real friend, PJ.

PJ: Hey Danny Boy, I noticed you seemed a bit off in your latest videos. I know we haven't talked in a while and I feel sick about it. Is everything alright?

Dan smiled at the thoughtful text from the only person he talked to at uni, and ever since then they'd been pretty close. But since Dan wasn't going to be in this world in about 24 hours, he didn't want to bother PJ.

Dan: yeah everything is good peej! truly, i would let you know if there was something wrong. i missed talking to you too. how are you? and Sophie?

PJ: We're both really good! We finally moved in together and she's inspired me to have new ideas for videos. Speaking of, we should make one together soon! I miss you something fierce man.

PJ was everything Dan wanted to be. He was handsome, talented and creative beyond belief, and had someone who inspired him to be better, who loved him as much as he loved her.

Dan thought he might as well entertain the thought of a collab with his friend again, it would make PJ happy.

Dan: yes please! my best videos are the ones you're in and it would give us an excuse to finally see each other. i look forward to it. i'm going to head to bed, but let's get together and think of collab ideas soon!

PJ: Definitely! Goodnight friend, I'm so glad we got around to talking again.

Dan felt terrible lying to his only friend, but it's better than him knowing the truth and trying to save him or talking him out of his decision. He weakly pushed himself off his grey carpet floor and checked his phone for the time. Midnight. He can't believe that much time had passed by. He decided he should probably go to bed, feeling the tired tugging at his eyes with every minute. Dan took his dreary black clothes off down to his lavender boxers, climbed into bed, and fell asleep watching Phil's videos. As Dan's eyes gradually closed, he studied the features of his love's face. The glasses that sat on his pale, soft mug fit him so well. Dan wanted to cry, realizing that it was his last full night in his bed. Instead of crying, he thought he should spend his last sleep with his favourite person.