To heal a dying heart

Punishing myself-Fatima's past!!

This chapter is dedicated to reaper333 for the excellent and extremely constructive feedback.

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Two years ago:

" There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief... and unspeakable love. "

-Washington Irving-

I read the quote over and over. I missed Mahra. Whatever had happened to her, it was all my fault.  I let the sacred tears fall. They washed my cheeks,my lips,my chin,my neck and soaked the collars of my shirt. I made no attempt towards whipping them away. They felt good-good and salty.

They helped me feel weak despite what the quote I loved,said. But I didn't flinch. I allowed them to escape my eyes and they enjoyed themselves all over my face. I smiled through my tears. Remembering what api said about my tears.

"Fatima I feel jealous of your tears."

"Why is that api?" I had asked ,confused.

"They flow and leave you more peaceful than I can make you,despite all my kisses and hugs."

I laughed. She smiled. We stared into each others eyes. Ya Allah! Thank you so much for sending Api into my life. I love my Sars(Sara) and my zai(zain) to bits too. But api owns a big, BIG compartment in my heart. Yupp she lives in my heart. :p

I let my head fall as I got back into the present. I wasn't in my cosy room at all. The white walls of this room made me feel sick. I glanced at the clock.

12 pm

No wonder nobody was in my room. I felt normal enough. Why the hell was I in a stupid hospital then?! I got off the bed and went towards the bathroom.

I got inside and turned on the light. I felt a weird burden on my head. The same heavy brick had been placed on my head. Mahra's face flashed into my mind.

"What have I done! I am a bad Muslim. I couldn't help her. Allah please forgive me." I started screaming. Mahra's face wasn't going away. I grind my teeth with a lot of force. My hands were shaking now. I stepped forward. Looking for something sharp.

"YOU HAVE TO PUNISH YOURSELF.

A loud voice boomed into my head.

"YES I MUST-MUST PUNISH MYSELF. MAHRA, I WILL MAKE MYSELF PAY FOR WHAT I DID TO YOU."

I grabbed the first pointy thing that caught my attention. I couldn't make out what it was. I didn't care. Bringing it close to my left wrist- I tried my best to slash it open. I kept on attacking;I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop. Something in me encouraged me on.

I laughed as the first sign of blood caught my eye. I attacked until my hands got red. I threw my head back and laughed. Blood excited me now. There was only one condition-it had to be my blood.

I heard a movement behind me. I looked behind me and saw baba standing there. I ran towards him.

"Look daddy!! I just removed a portion of the bad blood inside me. It was suffering inside me you know. I just had to remove it-make it go free."

I laughed and squealed with delight and looked at my father. His pupils dilated. He forced me into his arms and stepped out of the bathroom. I kicked and screamed in his arms. I wasn't done,I still had to harm my other wrist.

He placed me gently on the bed. My breathing was laboured. Baba is too strong(Ma shaa Allah!!). Forcing against him had left me exhausted. I saw the worry all over his face,despite his best attempts towards masking it.

"Why are you sad baba?! It was necessary. I had to punish myself. Don't you see Mahra is so innocent. I swear she hates me and my beloved Islam now."

"Darling nobody hates you. Please calm down. Some people hate Islam for they know nothing about it."

I gave baba(father) an irritated look. Why wasn't he getting it. I was bad,if he wouldn't take me to court to be punished. I would do it myself. 

I winced as the nurse injected something into my arm. Oh I see they will put me to sleep now. I won't let that happen. I pulled my arm away. Turning, I tried to get off the bed. Baba grabbed me at once.

"Let go baba. I need to go to the restroom." Unabashedly, I lied.

"The nurse will accompany you."

"No way baba! That's so disgusting." I wrinkled my nose. Oh common dad just one wrist left. I smiled at baba.

He let me go and I ran towards the bathroom. I groaned as I noticed all the place had been cleaned. Looking around,my eyes frantically searched for a sharp object. I groaned yet again as nothing could be found.

On finding nothing,I got angry. My hands started pulling at the freshly bandaged wrist. That's when the door opened and the nurse dashed inside. It wasn't the meek nurse I had snatched away my arm from. It was "HER". SHE always forced me to give up on harming myself.

I tried to run away but soon enough she lifted my 19-year old frame into her arms. Like seriously for dad it was easy.(Ma shaa Allah) But she was a lady how could she manhandle a black-belt??!

I knew retaliating would be fruitless so I relaxed against her chest. She placed me onto the bed. I glared at her while baba had his eyes lowered, for she was a lady. I smiled,I loved my Baba's Islamic habits.(Ma shaa Allah!!)

She drugged me with ease. I felt myself drifting despite my attempts to shrug it off. Soon I gave up and started reciting Surah Mariam out loud. With ease sleep took over me.

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